Autism Can Only Be Explained Two Ways

     Two years ago my son could barely function. He tested right in the middle of the spectrum meaning he wasn't high functioning or low but right on the edge of both. He had no method of communicating other than body language which meant a lot of screaming and daily meltdowns that often lasted for hours. He ate very little and only drank if I placed something his hands and told him to. Largely due, I suspect, to a mess of a digestive system that caused him debilitating pain. I couldn't take him anywhere and when I did it almost always ended badly and extremely fast. I couldn't leave him with anyone for more than 30 minutes and whoever I left him with was in a state of anxiety hoping I would hurry back. Clothes, blankets, and shoes, all irritated him and just the feeling of a blanket on a cold night would wake him. He barely acknowledged anyone who spoke to him and just simply getting him to look at me was a challenge. He didn't touch anyone other than who he lived with and even hugging mom was few and far between. He was a wanderer to a point I couldn't leave his side because just saying his name to get his attention was irrelevant. He didn't have the ability to respond to his own name and people would ask me if he even knew what his own name was. I would say yes, but I was only 99% sure of that. No indication that he did, I just couldn't believe that he didn't.

  When I describe the state he was in to people quickly I say, he was gone. Just flat out gone and autism had a vice grip on him that I wasn't sure would ever loosen up. I wanted to believe he would break out of his trap but I honestly had nothing to go on saying he would other than time, patience, and extreme faith.  Along with a small handful of advocates who thought he could but I wondered sometimes if they were just taught to say positive things.  I also if I would ever even hear my son say "I love you" because he was completely non verbal.

    Today he speaks. He eats when hungry, drinks when thirsty, and that mess of a digestive system is no longer causing him pain. I can take him places for long periods of time and just know at some point he will have enough of it but it's never within minutes of arriving like it used to be. Meltdowns of course still happen but they are not every day and sometimes we go weeks without. Clothes still come off in the house but he keeps them on in public without an argument and every night he pulls the blanket up to his neck, says "I love you" and falls asleep. He acknowledges people around him and pays close attention to them, making eye contact without stress. He knows, responds, and can tell people his name along with giving high fives and hugs to people he used to retreat from. He has been able to show his sense of humor, his likes and dislikes without screaming in protest. He wanders but I am no longer super glued to his side directing him or keeping him safe every single moment because he has some ability to turn around and come back or follow. The last year has been watching my son slowly introduce himself to us and manage his own autism enough to shove the word aside and live life in a way we are not missing everything. It might be cut short but that is way better than not at all.

   Is he caught up with his peers? No, and two years behind but when I have a paper in my hands full of charts telling me where he is at by comparison, I look it over once and never look at it again. If I wasn't in a room with a therapist when it's handed to me, I honestly might not look at it at all. Does he struggle socially? Very much so but the progress he has made makes it much less of a concern. I still have to be cautious and I help him communicate daily. None of the things above have come easy but they have come and that's all that matters. Instead of fearing a trip out of the house, especially to do something new, I am excited to have the experience no matter how small it may seem to someone else. Like we are both four year olds on a new adventure because being able to break out of isolation is amazing, not easy, just amazing.

    I am not writing this to tell everyone how my son is doing but to make sure a parent out there who has locked themselves in the bathroom for just ten minutes to have a cry knows things change. Knows that stacks of charts aren't going to determine how patience and love will pay off or who your child is in this world. So that parent who has just left a grocery store with tears in their eyes and a screaming child knows one day you might get in the car with a smile giving a high five for rockin that quick trip in for milk. So that parents who can't get their child's attention know one day they might respond and look you in the eye while you speak. So a parent out there believes one day you might hear "I love you" with clarity. Believe just because autism won't let the words come out doesn't mean a child is not fighting every day to say them. So a parent out there who feels consumed by a diagnosis knows it's not the end or even a indicator of what's coming. Yes, it can be hard and yes people can be rude with a lack of knowledge towards autism but none of it matters the moment you see your child overcome something that was predetermined they might not. People will say autism is just a word but it really is a big piece of life and watching a child fight through it can be only be explained two ways...Overwhelmingly heartbreaking and overwhelmingly heartwarming. Somewhere in the middle you have to find a little peace, no matter how small it may be because it moves everyone forward knowing there is so much more to come.

Thanksgiving...unplugged and reconnected. Could you do it?

    Thanksgiving is upon us and the joy of eating until you either fall into a food coma or roll yourself out of the house with leftovers in hand begins. For my son Thanksgiving will be a challenge simply because of a house full of people but a challenge that often makes for a great distraction in our case. Autism isn't the subject today but I have to mention it just for good measure.

   The subject is old school. By that I mean Thanksgiving the way we used to know it, tons of food, football, family, and limited technology distractions. For some, family gatherings have changed a bit with cell phones, Ipods, and whatever else we can plug into. Including the TV but considering the football lives in that giant distraction, I will leave that one alone. How many of you find yourself in a group of people and look around to find limited interaction with each other because technology has a vice grip? Texting, music, games, whatever it may be these days it's always there and to often interaction is not.

   A few weeks ago my kids and I were driving in the mini van and two of my kids had Ipods in hand with headphones in the ears while texting.  What happened was, I had no one to talk to without interrupting technology and I cracked. The new rule of leaving these things behind when we go somewhere as a family was set because at that point it was either leave it behind or this mom was going to launch it all out of the mini van window into the nearest ditch never to be seen again.

   I remember the good old days that consisted of talking and distraction by way of each other as family and as people. I know many people have set strict rules on these things but I also know many people wish they had set more rules long ago. I wish I had and did but slowly it snuck in and I allowed it. One mom fail I know I am completely guilty of and I do see it as a fail to have my children so plugged in and tuned out to often.

   We are constantly wondering what is wrong with the world around us and the way things are going in our society and we all know how disconnected from each other people have become. It's clear, we all see it and are guilty of it so this Thanksgiving, leave it all behind. If you must take a cell phone leave it in the car as soon as you see the people you are thankful for to begin with. If it's the camera you need disconnect the Wi-Fi. I know, that's a scary thought for a lot of us but think of how it used to feel to actually connect with the people sitting next to you.  Unplug the kids and give them back what this generation is missing out on, connecting face to face. Aside from the kids, could you do it? Could you make it all day without sharing a picture of your mash potatoes with 300 of your friends or only commenting on a football game with the people right next to you who might not like your comment? Could you miss a text or in some cases hundreds of them to speak to the one person next you? Sometimes I wonder if it's not just what we see in the news that is a direct reflection of what's wrong with the word but what is happening in our very own lives we don't even realize is happening, because it all slowly snuck in and took over. Happy Thanksgiving and happy disconnecting from the online world, if you can.

Grief...No. belief...Yes!

   The subject of grieving has come up since my son was diagnosed and to me this is an odd subject. I understand the concept of grieving when a child is diagnosed but I have an inability to do this. In fact a year ago when an advocate insinuated I was a grieving mother, I was more of an insulted mother.

  I want what is best for all three of my children no matter what that may be in life. People often have an image of what there child will become and that image is almost always above and beyond like they have just given birth to a superstar. Yes, we all give birth to superstars and while we are raising our little superstars we want them to have morals, standards, and be generally good people to themselves and to others. We want them to have success doing what they love and we even want them to have a few failures so they can learn to keep trying and the ability to be humble. Autism doesn't stop a child from this and unless there is an expectation in place that is totally unrealistic I don't see autism as something that will prevent my little superstar from learning the things I feel are important. We must have an expectation that suits the circumstances in order for them to be met in the first place. When all three of my kids where born I didn't put much thought into expectation because all I could think was, wow! Then came the part I just wanted to be enough for them.

  So when someone tells me I am supposed to grieve my son for not being what the world would expect I find it very strange. Strange because it is not my son who has let me down, it is society and they we treat others in general along with complete lack of explanation for why so many children are struggling to just speak. The way the autism stigma takes hold and people shy away from learning and understanding. For that, I grieve society.  Autism came along and unexpected challenges came with it but beyond that he is my son. He is no less than what I expected of him because when he was born all I could think was, wow! After the wow to be honest I wing it every day and pray a lot. So far that has worked out for the most part with a few bumps in the road but grieving has never come to mind. If someone told me they could stop all of the challenges my son faces from autism I would take it and I would take all of the challenges away my other two children face because no one wants to watch their struggle through anything in life.

  If a doctor or therapist says to me, your son has autism do I grieve him? No, I adjust to what was just presented to me so he can thrive in a world that might not understand. I might ask the doctor or therapist questions he or she cannot answer and then grieve there degree hanging on the wall but I surely will not grieve my child.

   This might seem odd to some people but I was also a child who grew up in a family that stood out for being a bit different. A life of irrational decisions, almost no direction to speak of, and didn't accomplish the things I was capable of. I was and still can be the daughter who just never did figure out how to focus my abilities and use them. If I was to ask my parents if they have ever grieved me I would hope the answer would be no although I am little afraid to ask that question, just in case. What I am saying is, grief for me is associated with loss and I have not lost my son. He is with me, he is challenged but we are all challenged in some way. Focusing on what could have been doesn't do tomorrow a damn bit of good and changes nothing that has already been. Grief? No, but belief...yes.

Reflection time fades as quickly as it hits.

               Reflection is on my mind today and many others after yesterday’s tornado devastation. Something happens in the world or in someone’s life and we all sit back and say “my heart breaks and I just can’t imagine.” All of a sudden everyone is glued to their TV overwhelmed with empathy and shock for people they have never known or ever will. We try to imagine what it would be like to crawl out of the rubble and have everything gone. We try to imagine what it would it would be like to stay at work praying your child is safe at school only to find out you will never see your child again and couldn’t be there to hold them when the terror hit. The whole country sits down and cries wishing they could do something to ease the hell strangers are facing.

                Every time a tragedy hits we all go quiet and pay attention but for too many people it only takes days to get back to life and forget. We carry on in the comfort we have with things and people we don’t realize we are so damn lucky to have. We go right back to buying things we don’t need and putting off people we do need. Reflection time fades as quickly as it hit and really its human nature to not think about how easily life can change. No one wants to think about what ifs and how much of life they are taking advantage of until they have to. Or until something in the world reminds us how fast it can be taken away or destroyed. We all have that it won’t happen to me syndrome in one way or another.

                What if we all stopped living that way and hung on to the feeling we have when we see people lose everything? What if we didn’t ease back into our comforts and refused to let it fade until the next tragedy hit? I sometimes wonder what people would do differently with their life if they really understood they aren’t in charge of when or how it can all be taken away. If someone knew the sky was going to pick up their car and swallow it, would they spend every single day working to pay for a car they couldn’t actually afford or would they have kept it simple from the start. If they knew ahead of time their neighbor was going to be pulled from the wreckage lifeless, would they have said hello the day before? If they knew every single thing they owned would be gone in a blink of an eye would they still have maxed out the credit card at the mall last week?

                We all know the answers to these questions but we don’t live it or at least we get right back to it when the tragedy fades for those who aren’t directly in it anyway. I have learned in the past few years to hang on to reflection because it’s too important to let fade away. That care we feel for others when something horrible happens is not supposed to be a temporary feeling induced by shock. It’s supposed to be part of everyday life because that’s how you affect someone’s life and your own just by waking up in the morning. When the media finds something else to report and the events of yesterday are no longer getting the ratings they aim for, don’t let the feeling you had when you saw those images on TV leave you.  Hang onto that feeling of caring about people you don’t even know before the media starts blasting the same old stories once again about all the evils in the world that make you not even want to leave your house. After all if you still have a house, you have much more than a lot of people right now.

A world I refuse to let him be alone in.

                  In these last few years I have learned I wasn’t living right and I don’t mean doing it all wrong, even though I could probably say that to, I mean taking it in wrong. Getting out of the house has new meaning and taking in the days is different now. I used to live like I was really going to grow old and I had plenty of time to pass things by and possibly notice later. Not so and my sons attention to detail and struggle with becoming overwhelmed woke me up.

                We are going on an adventure tomorrow to the city with my dad and I can tell you I feel like a little kid. I am excited to ride the ferry boat and excited to be in the chaos of the city for a bit. I am excited to do something I normally don’t get to do and really haven’t done in years. I literally can’t wait! The same reason I went to church yesterday with my mom, because if I didn’t I would miss an opportunity. Not just to do something I normally don’t do but to spend that time with my mom. I literally enjoyed every second of that moment in my life just because I was able to have it.

                I have been through a lot of different difficult events in life and I can look back on them and think they should have woken me up sooner. I have literally had things happen to me I am very lucky to have walked away from alive and still I didn’t take in life right. I just kept going the very same way I was before that experience. I went through a custody experience with my older kids that literally made me hate life and I overcame it, we all did. I have rolled a car off the side of a mountain fracturing my face, landing upside down and walked away. I have been attacked by a mad man in my own home and overcame my fear with time. I could really name a few more events that should have changed my views on life quickly but those three stand out in my mind. I woke up a bit with these things and found strength to move forward but I can’t say any of them forced me to really see life how I needed to.

                I have also had awesome life events that should have changed my views on everyday life and they did for a time. The gift of my kids, each one is impossible to even put into words it’s so awesome. I have endless blessings and miracles granted in my life. I had the love of my life which many people never find and I was granted the most amazing family right from the start of my life with the gift of being adopted, a gift that also led me to another amazing family I am blessed to be a part of. Again I could go on and on with struggles and miracles given to me but I still couldn’t see life how I needed to.

                The day I was told one of my children would struggle every day just taking in the smallest details I had taken advantage of my entire life finally woke me up. Everyone faces challenges in life and difficulties come no matter what but when you are told things as small as a bright light or a loud noise will be one of those difficulties it truly humbles you in a way you never expected. A crowd, a movement, a large room full of objects, the wind blowing, the feel of rain, the tone of someone’s voice or how tall they are, the feel of clothing, and even the smell in the air is a challenge and I had spent an entire lifetime not even noticing these things. The things I had never even noticed in all of my struggles and miracles are a huge element in my son’s life. I don’t go a day without noticing these things anymore and I literally take in life like every element matters. I get excited over things most adults might not and not just because I am isolated at home a lot, although that does makes a difference to, because the word autism forced me to notice. I am not grateful my son struggles with these things and I wish he didn’t have to but I am grateful that I am not going through life missing them anymore.

                The things I thought were huge challenges were not so huge and I don’t look for big miracles anymore because I now see the little ones that matter just as much or more.  I try to take in life the same way he does when he fights back, like that moment matters because the smallest thing matters much more than I ever understood in all the years I was not even close to paying attention or appreciating how easy the days really were for me. I finally woke up and if I hadn’t I would never have been able to understand his world. A world I refuse to let him be alone in.

So you think you have it all figured out? Not yet you don't.

               There is something that happened to me when I realized my son was going to face a different life than expected, along with the rest of us. My mom meter jumped up and by that I mean I thought I had being a mom figured out for the most part but all of sudden I discovered I had to step it up a notch. The mom I already was wasn’t going to be enough in my head, I had to be better. Looking back on that feeling you could even say it was a necessary even without autism being part of the story, I just didn’t know it. My awareness of life and people in general changed.

                It’s a hard thing to explain but some things changed for me and many of those changes came from seeing things more clearly. I had to pay closer attention to life in general. The meaning of support changed and how people go about doing it. I was almost forced to take a harder look at the people around me and their actions because the pressure I already felt as a mom was and is a big challenge to wrestle with. I had a couple good friends who never wavered and even grew closer to me from this change. I call them my two Jan’s! One Jan was already a blessing in my life and remains that way. The other Jan was my neighbor who reached out to me and gave me nothing but support and friendship.  Both Jan’s carried me through and they may not even realize it. Then there were other people who just slowly faded away and it seemed by choice.

                Some of the little things in life that before I could push through weren’t so easy to push through anymore. Those negative forces that come into life and kick you from time to time weren’t acceptable on any level anymore. I also realized I had a lot of those forces that didn’t seem too bad before but they started to become huge burdens. I had to let them go because emotionally I couldn’t afford to spend time on things that hurt my spirit at all. You see when you spend day after day trying to understand your child and many of those days you might end up on the floor crying right next to them, you can’t take in those burdens as easily and process it all. Then get up the next day and be the very best you can for what’s coming next.

                I guess you could say his processing challenges started to make me see my own processing challenges. I was and still am trying to keep up with him on a daily basis and the outside issues that some people bring into life or even bring into your life by not being there, become too much. When you spend all day working to ease things, keep up with your other children and ensure they get the love they deserve, fending off the public, and discovering who really wants to be there for you things become very clear. You start to see how much energy you have given things that didn’t require it. You learn who truly cares to be a part of life in a healthy way. I learned some people gave us more support than I could ever have expected and some people gave much less.

                It’s interesting how something in life like an autism diagnosis can reveal a side of people you never knew was there, good and bad. Or maybe even you knew it was there and when life changed it just became easier to see. My eyes opened to the fact I was too far from my family and we needed them all along but it was time to do something about it. My eyes opened to how many people are really uncomfortable around a child who is different and will actually blame a mother, even people close to you. I learned when you’re not the parent who cuts loose on Friday night at the local bar; people fade out of your life, not a bad lesson by the way. I learned kids are the most understanding sometimes because before we moved every single kid that came to our home met Phillip with a huge smile and didn’t see his autism at all.

                The most important thing I have learned is life is too short and too awesome to spend on things that just steal your energy. I need all the physical and mental energy I have so I can put into being the mom I need to be. The mom I wish I would have known how to be 14 years ago when I first became one. I was never a bad mom but I truly didn’t know how much better of a mom I could be until I was forced to learn. It’s almost like when the reality hit, it was life saying to me, “so you think you have it all figured out? Not yet you don’t.” The simple word autism slapped me right across the face and I knew nothing. It’s on odd feeling to be pretty comfortable in your knowledge and one day life humbles the hell out of you because you just realized how ignorant you really are to the changes coming your way. Well played life! I have learned more in three years than I could have ever imagined learning in an entire lifetime and I know I will never have it all figured out, but at least I am seeing clear enough now to give it my best shot.

Even God has a challenge.

                My fourteen year old son has the curse of thinking too much. Some would say that is a curse but it’s really more of a gift if he learns to focus it the right way. Fourteen is a hard age to analyze the world around you and try to make sense of things.  Answers to everything are impossible to find and last night he wanted to talk God with me for a bit. He has reached that time in his life he wants proof of God and evidence that God is real. I wanted the same at his age by the way and I hear a lot of people looking for the same thing before they decide to put any kind of faith in what they can’t see.

                It’s a hard to explain spiritualism to a teenager who still has a ton of life experience ahead but one thing he wants to understand is how bad things happen and keep happening. Everyone wants a better understanding of that, because according to Sunday school as a kid God has the power to just stop it. I remember thinking as a kid God was this wizard in the sky that could just wave his hands and fix anything if I asked. I know now that is not exactly how it works but the way I was taught led me to believe that. He’s magic so why doesn’t he just wave his magic hands and make everything magical? It took me years to discover the answer to that.

                First I questioned God like my son and then I moved on to being mad about things God should have been able to fix which at one time in my life turned me into a non believer because I didn’t see any proof either. Even at that point I was still looking for a way to believe because I was raised to believe in God and wanted to. I had blessings in my life that already proved some kind of higher power.  There were many times over the years I snuck into the back of a church hoping I would find some kind of evidence in the sermon that would change my mind. It never happened and in fact every time I visited a new church all I found was a bunch of people either looking for the same thing or so flawed they made my questioning stronger. The last time I walked into a church for a sermon was nearly ten years ago and it was after 9/11 happened. The pastor gave a sermon in regard to terrorism and Muslims. He called them the enemy and made some reference to the devil but this wasn’t the God I was looking for. On my way out the pastor cornered me because I was a new face and asked me to return the following week. I told him how I felt about the service and I would not be back and that was that. His face was a bit shocked by how I felt but to me he was just another man speaking on behalf of God. He wasn’t any better or worse than me and I figured if he could do it, so could I. After all a sermon based on hate wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. I like to think most churches don’t do that and I stumbled into the wrong one that day but I might have needed to.

                At that point I found my answer that was actually always there, it just took some time to see it. God has a challenge and his challenge is people. Miracles happen, I know because I have had them in life and prayers get answered. Prayers also go unanswered and many times that is a very good thing but one thing I realized God can’t do anything about is the choices people make and what comes from that. He can come into our lives but he has the challenge of people making choices that lead to bad things. He has the challenge of people representing him wrong or representing him like a magic wizard in the sky. He doesn’t make the decisions of man that lead to all these things we want him to wave his magic hands and fix. I do know once I realized God was challenged by the human race, I stopped blaming him for things he didn’t cause. I started to realize I was one of his challenges and working with him was much more in my favor than against. Life changed and even the hard times caused by my own choices or other people in my life, weren’t so hard anymore.

                I didn’t write today in regard to autism unless of course someone reading this blames God for it or leans on him for strength. I wrote to remind us we are all challenged by something and even that big magic wizard in the sky is challenged by each and every one of us. Maybe if we took a bit more notice of him in a world set to deny him we would find that proof so many look for by way of strength and a little ease when times are hard. After all hard times are something just about everyone can agree on right now and the interesting part is it has all been caused by the flaws of man.

Find your stinky old book!

                 When I saw this picture it made me think of two things, one being how plugged in our society is and two being what parent’s are able to do to get away even if it’s just for a moment. I collect old books and I mean really old. Early 1900’s or earlier are my favorite finds and this is something I have liked to do but only recently started doing more of it. I can’t count how many times I have gone to the grocery store alone and some will say to me, “at you got to get away”. Just to clear this up, getting away and being away are two different things. Leaving alone to buy diapers or a gallon of milk is being away. Getting away is something that clears your mind.

                Getting away is taking time to be alone with yourself and being reminded of whom you are, what you enjoy, aside from being a parent. I love being a mom but eventually I do start to wonder if the only thing I will ever do again is laundry, dishes, house cleaning, and managing three kids. Aside from autism all three of my kids have very challenging personalities none of which are anything like the other. Spending day after day trying to keep those minds balanced and out of trouble can get exhausting. Not exhausting in a way I need to sleep but in a way I need to give my own mind some personal attention. So, I jump in the van and go on a short quick book hunt.

My kids think I am nuts because I come home with stinky old books and a smile on my face but to me those stinky old books are what keeps me from losing myself keeping up with everyone else. If you lose yourself your really not much good for the people around you so I need those books. That short treasure hunt makes me happy and it’s necessary for my own soul.

It is very hard to find something that gives you soul food when you have a child with autism simply because it is very hard to get away and when you do it can be short lived. Very often it’s being away that is still gravitating around others. Not a bad thing because that’s what a parent does but everyone needs that one thing that is for their own good. No matter what that might be.

Years ago I was in the worst place of my life and I had all the time in the world to myself but my mind was never on me. My dad’s childhood home was being rented in Montana and I traveled over to clean up for the next renter. When I arrived the home was in need of a gutting and I was to stay in it for the trip. It was empty and smelled so bad I could hardly breathe with one bed left for me to rest my head on and stare at the walls.  I went out into the shed and found a book tucked back in a corner that had been missed for years because it was left there from the years my grandma still lived in the home. I have no idea how it was missed all those years but it was an Edgar Allen Poe book from the early 40’s so I grabbed it and went back into the empty house for the evening. I sat on that one bed trying not to breathe or touch anything for fear of what I might pick up from the filth and I read that book. From beginning to end and the entire time I forgot where I was. Forgot about the things in life that were challenging me and I was totally lost in a stinky old book left hidden in a corner for over ten years by the very women who taught me I could go anywhere in a book, my grandma. I did get a hotel for the rest of the stay so I could breathe clean air but I took that book with me.

             The point is everyone needs to find their stinky old book! Something that feeds or reinforces their soul and gives us that short escape customized for our own mind. Not just autism parents but all parents or just anyone who starts to feel a bit drained from the challenges of life. It might be something no one understands or something so small it isn’t clear why it puts on your face. We are living in a busy world that is completely plugged in and flowing with judgment no matter what you do. We can’t avoid any of it so find a way to escape it that is healthy for you. After all is said and done what’s healthy for you is healthy for the minds you’re trying to keep up with. The bonus is they will see you find your stinky old book and one day find their own hopefully. Being away is nice but getting away is good for your soul.

Well behaved kids discount, and a ton of judgment.

http://www.komonews.com/news/local/discount-for-families-with-well-behaved-kids-190466431.html

               This is a story that came up on our late night local news last night and typically I skip the news these days but this one caught my attention. At first I felt a bit irritated but I wasn’t sure if I was just feeling sorry for myself or maybe my feelings were a bit more legit than I was giving them credit for. You see we don’t eat at sit down restaurants if it can be avoided. There have been a few times we have and it is a constant struggle to keep our son in one place. I would never say he is bad but that doesn’t mean the opinion around us sees it the same way.

                If you read many of the comments attached to the article you will find the judgment parents face on this issue. You will see a mention of a charge for bratty kids and how well behaved kids at a restaurant is a sign of a “good parent” and so many more comments that cause a stir in my mind. I know people judge quickly when my son runs or can’t seem to be still for a short time but the thought people could think a parent who faces this struggle is not a good parent makes my stomach actually hurt with sadness. If being a good parent consists of making sure everyone else in the room is undisturbed, well then why am I trying so hard to raise kids who have morals, understanding, individual thought, care, a sense of others and the ability to be happy?  Apparently I have been killing myself to raise my children to best of my ability when all it really takes is to not bother anyone. Who knew!

                It’s nice of the restaurant to have given the parents something to smile about and proud of no doubt about it, but at the same time how exactly does one earn a well behaved discount? Maybe I bring my son in for a try at a sit down meal and he makes it for a bit but the food has taken forever to get there, huge problem by the way with a child who has extreme energy. Maybe he is beginning to climb out of his seat to explore because that is a given no matter what and one of us has to wrestle him outside just so the other person can pretend to enjoy the meal, possibly left at the table alone. I could create a ton of scenarios that people would see as disqualified but sometimes just getting in and out without a meltdown is actually being well behaved and a success.

                I am going to climb out of the classy bubble I try to stay in today and say to those who think they know what a good parent is, you are narrow minded, foolish, rude, judgmental to an unhealthy level, and your head is to deeply implanted into your backside to see it. No parent on earth has such a perfect tactic towards parenting total strangers can see how good at it they are. Yes, parents find success but they had to battle through things that didn’t work to find it in the first place. Something has to occur in the form of a struggle to find something that works and in no way is that limited to children with autism. Autism parents just tend to face not so typical struggles and have to find not so typical tactics which take time, a lot of time. We have to be able to get through the door in the first place to see what needs help and let me tell you it could be the day a new challenge sets in while we are trying like hell to figure out the ones already in place.  What works for one child might not work at all for the next and considering 1in 88 children have autism that means 1 in 88 children might require a completely different approach to simply get through a meal.

                At first I felt eating at this restaurant was out of the question but now I am beginning to think a little dose of autism might be good for this establishment. Maybe we will venture out one day to eat there but you can be sure I will be printing this blog out and leaving it on the table when we do. Maybe we will even get the well behaved child discount, but I have my doubts no matter how well my child behaves. Even though there are people in this world with their head stuffed up there backside that are also people who are willing to help pull it out, that’s if they would like some help because I would have disturb them a bit to make that happen.

               

 

Patience that could be classified as a super power!

               There is an element to keeping things at ease for my son that I believe without it, his life would be painful. Patience and I am not talking about typical patience most parents practice but extreme patience to the point it could be classified as a super power.

                I see a lot of people force change in a child with autism and have even seen other parents root them on for being in control and making it happen. I don’t really think anyone is in control when a parent is emotionally exhausted and a child is completely stressed out. Change is so hard for an autistic mind but I have found with extreme patience it’s not impossible and it’s not painful for anyone.  Changes have been eased in very slowly here when they need to be and by slowly I mean months sometimes.

                Everyone has some degree of insecurity when it comes to changes and especially unexpected ones. I personally like change but at the same time my mind has to adjust to it before I feel completely at ease. Autism is the same as you and I when it comes to this but the one difference is the mind can’t grasp it so quickly and easily. I see this about my son and forcing him to adjust as quickly as I can does cause a tremendous amount of stress.

                This became very clear to me when I had the ridiculous idea that I was just going to stop buying diapers and get this boy potty trained. At the time I felt I was going to flat out show him what needs to be done and he will adjust. Looking back on that decision I can’t believe how foolish I was for thinking that was some kind of grand master plan that would work in my favor because it didn’t work in anyone’s favor in any way. As soon as it occurred to me what I was trying to force I stopped the process because the stress I was causing my son was not worth it. We have made a bit of progress over months with the process but only two things have happened. He is now recognizing wet is not fun and he now verbalizes when he is wet and he wasn’t verbal at all when I tried my master plan. Doesn’t seem like much but for him these are huge steps towards a change. I was told by an autism advocate a year ago he was ready to potty train because he is dry at night and if he was not programmed the way he is, that may have been true but I can’t imagine the damage I might have caused if I tried to force him every time I was told it was time by people who don’t understand him. I was also told he would never reach the point of progress he has made without intense therapy with three different specialists that matched a schedule of a grown adult’s full time job. We never made it to the second appointments for that because the people involved did not understand him and he regressed immediately. That may have been the right approach for another child but not this one.

                My point today is change is hard and yes some changes just have to come fast and we have to deal with it the best way we know how but some changes are ok to take time making. Even a very long time if that is what a child needs to ease into a secure feeling. One thing at a time and that one thing can be small to the eyes around you. If you have overcome one small step towards the goal it’s not small to a child with autism, it’s huge! Not only is it huge to feel secure enough to make one small step but huge in a child’s security in how we can help and understand. In order to feel at ease with the change my son has to feel ease with me and anyone else who is helping him move forward.

                Move forward at a pace that works and that pace might not always be what you are told. Nothing is completely clear when it comes to autism but communication comes in all forms. If a child is regressing, lashing out, and showing clear signs of stress….slow down, slow way down. Pull up that patience super power and use it because the result is more than worth the time.

               

A good case of the giggles and some "I did its"!

                 Something happened last night that brought tears to my eyes and in a good way. There are so many days with Phillip it just seems to feel robotic. You do the same things and you get typically the same reactions. Unless of course things are mixed up a bit then you really don’t know what reaction you will get, but you hope for the best.

                When I see him accomplish something new I am overjoyed for him but many times he might simply smile or have very little reaction at all. I know he is proud of himself but a display of how he feels is a hard door for him to open. He might yell with a smile, dance, or take off in a run with a burst of happy energy to show his pride but someone who isn’t around him all the time might not know what he is communicating.

                Last night he found a way to make his big sister laugh hysterically. He stood in front of the recliner and tossed his head down on to it. Once he discovered she felt it was funny he stepped it up and decided to run across the room and dive into the recliner. His little legs would fly up into the air and his sister would burst out laughing. Then he laughed himself and surveyed the room to see if I was laughing to. This went on for a quite a while and he was having a blast but it was also bedtime so the fun had to end.

                When we crawled into bed he laid on his stomach with his head up and his chin resting on his hands. He was thinking about the fun with a smile on his face and said, “I did it” laughing at himself. He repeated I did it and continued to laugh harder and harder about his accomplishment of making his big sister laugh so hard. His energy level was still in full gear so getting him to lay his head down at all was not happening so quickly and still he repeated, “I did it” laughing a good hard three year awesome belly laugh. I told him. “Yes you did Phillip, you did it” and encouraged him to put his head down and go to sleep.

                Eventually he pulled the blanket up to his chin and rolled over into his time for sleep position, growing silent. I slowly turned my head to see if he had gone to sleep and there was one more very quiet laugh followed by one last quiet “I did it” then he drifted off for the night.

                The pride he was able express in himself and how long he felt that pride was awesome to see. At the same time he was able to actually communicate why he had such a healthy case of the giggles. It’s hard to explain why this was such an important moment for him but when you see the daily challenges he faces trying to break out of the autism hold, It’s a moment both of us wait for.

                Those are the moment’s autism parents live for! You wait for it, believe it will come, and don’t want to miss it for the world because it makes the hard days just disappear. The door opens just a bit and you get to see your child peak there head out and smile with pride. I accept autism and completely understand autism will not go away but I also know my son is trapped by it. When he breaks free of that trap the happiness I feel for him that he was able to do it gives me tears of joy because I can only imagine how that must feel for him. He can’t tell me how it feels but a good case of the giggles and a few quiet “I did its” explains it all.  

Guns, Government, Mental Health, Video games! huh?

                I stayed up late last night watching CNN even though late last night I said I wasn’t going to do that anymore so I could clear my mind. In the madness of our country right now and America has been mad for a while now I think we can establish one thing….we are so divided, so ignorant, so misinformed, so stubborn, so blind, and so sick in general there may not be an answer or resolve to the mess we have created.

                I have watched autism, guns, mental health, video games, government, and even white supremacy blamed for the violence happening in our country. Some of which could play a role and some of which surely have not.

                If we all sat back and really thought about how our society has changed in the past twenty years I think we could actually outline how it all went wrong. We have become a desensitized and no one did it to us, we did it to ourselves. We have all seen it happening right in front of our faces and in our homes as time has passed. Your child can’t communicate with people face to face because texting is easier and most kids will actually tell you that these days. Video games are horribly violent and yes kids need to understand these are make believe forms of entertainment but we have seen kids get so attached to this entertainment reality becomes distant. Small kids plugged into violence because some parents find it easier to plug them in than to raise them. TV used to be free of extreme violence on our basic channels and over time the bar has been pushed. Each time creating a window to push the bar just a little more. Until sitting down with your kids to watch TV or a rented movie is like taking a risk against your morals and you know you’re going to lose. These things are totally normal to kids these days by the way.

                We have a right to bear arms but we don’t care who has them. Doesn’t matter if a person’s mind is healthy or not, money grants the right to own. Other then felons or domestic violence offenders who we all know still bear arms because there is no way to stop them. We can instill gun control but enforcing it would be nearly impossible at this point. Unless every household is emptied of military style assault weapons and then we have the guns that are on the streets illegally, which we already have not been able to stop. Already against the law and already out of control.

                Mental health is certainly at a crisis and we could say that began the moment the first anti-depressant pill, ADHD pill, Anxiety pill, and every other fix me now pill was prescribed. It’s as easy as saying your sad to the doctor and POOF….a smile in a bottle is placed in our hands, no matter what changes in our personal lives may need to be addressed. Pain killers are passed out like candy and America is eating them at an alarming rate. All of these things change the chemistry of our minds.

                The internet and yes I do know the irony of blogging and blasting the internet at the same time, there is no limit on what people can see or seek out. It’s an open door to every kind of scum on earth to find victims at their disposal. Child predators just have to log on and pick one and even though we try to teach safety we all know our kids are never 100% safe online. People type things to each other they probably would never say face to face because seeing someone in person hopefully inspires some kind of human connection and empathy but words on a screen mean nothing when it comes to someone’s personal value. We also see the violence some kids are being subjected to by their own parents and recorded with a cell phone. It was just last week I saw on the news a parent who drove their daughter to a bus stop to beat up another girl and recorded it, rooting her on during the assault. We see bullies attacking victims and then when the victim is forced to fight back we root them on, with no thought as to who is recording the event with no action as long as we get to see it. We see this all the time and we watch it because it’s become a sick form of entertainment for so many.

 We have become out of control because we have slowly allowed ourselves to lose control to the boiling point. Only now we are mad and want something done as long as we aren’t told what we can or can’t do. We want to point the finger at whatever we can to find reason for the madness and everyone is pointing in a different direction. Guns, Government, media, and the list of things to blame go on and on with everyone shouting a different issue at each other.

When all of this began the first thing I heard on the news was “autism lacks empathy for others” and that statement was mind blowing to me considering a good percentage of our young society couldn’t define the word empathy if asked to. We have lost it and still during a time we all know we are in trouble we still can’t seem to grasp compromise and empathy towards each other to fight for the morals, standards, and safety we all want in our daily lives.

In between meltdowns.

                 Phillip had a meltdown marathon yesterday and well, these days happen. Not as often as they could but when they do it is completely draining. It’s not the meltdowns that drain you and he is a three years old so tantrums are going to come no matter what. What is honestly draining about these days is the inability to help him or to know what has caused him to have such a hard day. This morning he seems ok so far and unfortunately we have to just move on from yesterday with no answer.

                Days like this also have an effect on the mom and dad unit. I am pretty real about the autism element in our lives and my grasp on the fact sometimes nothing can be done is a good grasp. Not an easy grasp as a mother but I have faced it enough to know I can really do nothing at times. Dad tends to keep the faith a little stronger then I do and believes  if he handles it like you would a typical child, you will get a typical reaction. Over time this really has caused some static and frustration between him and me. I tend to stand back and watch the struggle thinking one day dad is going to understand,  you can do nothing for him but leave him alone, but dad is a stubborn old bull.

                Yesterday in the heat of things and after dad had made several typical attempts to calm Phillip, I stepped in and took Phillip upstairs so he could be alone and calm himself. I came back downstairs and could see the frustration on dad and some hurt from not being able to help. I had to say something to him I hadn’t yet and also have been avoiding since the autism diagnosis but the longer this goes on the harder for everyone.

                I said to him, “I don’t want to come off as cruel but you need to realize our son is not typical. He is not going to react the way you are hoping he will and honestly he may never.”

                After I said it I realized even I needed to hear that. I know things have to be very different raising him and I know typical parenting won’t work but I also know many times I have hoped for a typical reaction. Maybe I am not as outwardly clear about it as dad is but guilty just as well. 

                When you think you already have some experience in parenting and then an autism diagnosis comes your way something happens. It almost feels like you are the new kid in school. You don’t know your way around, you feel like everyone is looking at you, and let’s just say a new country to because there is a huge language barrier. Everything you thought you knew is now irrelevant and adjusting is extremely hard, not impossible, but hard.

                With all that said dads stubborn will to hang onto typical could also be a very positive trait for Phillip as he gets older because even though he is not typical…he will wanted to be treated that way. In between meltdowns that is.

You will be judged the second you walk into a room.

                  I saw something this morning that made me think a little too hard with my first cup of coffee but couldn’t be further from the truth. It read...”they say to be yourself, and then they judge you.” How many times do we tell our children to be themselves? If you’re like me you say this to your kids constantly and you mean it but the reality of society is judgment comes no matter what.  We even remind ourselves all the time not to judge and then we do it, even if we don’t want to admit it.

                We judge each other by appearance, financial class, parenting, religion, race, political views, and neurological differences. There is more but those are the main categories that come to mind right now. When I was a kid I was constantly questioning everything about the world and the people in it. I fought desperately to not be a social drone, mostly because I was socially awkward and embracing it was easier than fighting it. I found if I looked as out of place as I felt no one questioned it, except for my parents of course and they had many more reasons for concern than my desire to embrace different. I remember a day my mom was very frustrated with my clothing selection and really this was everyday but she didn’t always say anything to me about it.

                On this day she said to me, “Jenn, no matter what you decide to do with yourself in life or how you choose to look, people will judge you the second you walk in the room.”

                I was a teenager so of course I didn’t listen, I never did, but her statement actually never left my mind. As a kid you don’t want to believe this so you hang on to the notion people are truly looking past all of those outside elements searching for your personality. Over time my mom’s words began to ring true over and over again. Not as a kid by the way but traveling into the adult years of life. I actually don’t remember being judged as a kid other than by adults.

                As an adult I realized a quiet personality sometimes meant that people thought I was dumb and still do. Being overweight means you are unhealthy and being skinny means you are healthy, not true by the way. I am skinny and I know plenty of people of struggle with weight who could run circles around me and I have no doubt will live longer. Going to church on Sunday makes you a bible thumper and going to a bar on Friday night makes you a drunk.  If you live in suburbia you must have a nice family and if you live in a trailer park, you must be trashy. There are so many more I could point out because the judgment list goes on and on and when I sit back and think of all these things it actually never ends.

                When we tell our children to be themselves we mean it and we want them to be comfortable with who they are no matter what but at the same time my mom’s words over 20 years ago are dead on as I got older. It’s interesting with my son being different from other kids because when we go places I do see the looks on people’s faces in regard to his difference but I can’t think of one time another child gave him a look or a child judged me as his parent. In fact kids will just flat out ask why or carry on with what they are doing. Most of the time they don’t even notice Phillip is different and still engage with him as they would any other child.

                Kids really are looking for each other’s personality even through all the differences they have. We aren’t born judging each other but we sure do teach it, perfect it, deny it, and practice it often as adults. How difficult it must be for kids to take the advice of so many adults who really should be taking the silent advice we can see in them if we pay attention. On that note, try living just one day with absolutely no judgment towards anyone. You might find it’s much harder than you think and if you are successful you are an extreme asset to the human race and I wish we could all embrace that ability, or should I say hang onto it.

 

The divison of autism parents....and the impact.

                The division between parents when it comes to autism always seems to push itself to surface from time to time. The division I am talking about is the different opinions that stem from different experiences with having autism tossed into life. When Phillip was diagnosed I guess I was silly thinking all of us autism parents would be united and stand for the cause together like a big band of brave acceptance warriors. It is a bit like that in some ways but in many ways it’s not.

                Autism is such a different experience for everyone that it can even be difficult to find just a few other people who share your opinions or close to them. I have ran into nearly every kind of autism parent there is, I think and I am almost reluctant to say that because we have a long way to go on this journey.  What do I mean by every kind of autism parent there is? You will find the parents who see autism is a gift, as a curse, as a disorder, as a neurological difference, as a vaccine induced disease, as an evolutionary impact, and sometimes you find the parent who just doesn’t know and deals with whatever comes their way.  My favorite people aren’t parents at all, but people who will actually flat out tell you how your child became autistic. Those people don’t really have a place in this blog but mentioning them makes me laugh so I had to throw it in.

                I have tried to stay away from this topic but every time I see these parents collide I feel a bit of pain for autism, no matter how it became a factor in life. We all want our children to be understood but even then I can say we don’t always understand our own children so we fight to get society to on board and fight to explain why at the same time. The emotions of autism are draining at times but well worth it. There have been times I have wanted to change the title of my blog to The Evolution of an Autism Mommy just because my opinions and feelings change so often. It is a roller coaster to say the least.

                With that being said I know society and the people we interact with, by nature are not drawn towards learning about something so confusing. I would even think many people are just afraid of it in general from the things they read or even from a screaming child they might have encountered in line at the grocery store. If that screaming child possibly hitting mom or dad is the only autism encounter they have had, I wouldn’t expect them to jump into wanting to know more. Now it you take that screaming child who can also memorize an entire Pixar movie in one sitting, and make that child a nephew, grandson, little sister, or best friends youngest then you have someone who is willing to want to learn more. A direct impact will do that to a person so in all the autism division I worry. I worry that parents unknowingly push people away from the desire to know more.

                Autistic kids generally don’t see how their autism impacts others unless we show them. They also don’t see how it will impact their own life unless we show them. In all the division and different opinions I want to shout…”Stop the madness!” I want to shout it as a parent who needs other parents and I want to shout it for all of the nonverbal people living with autism. They want success and as much independence as possible in life or maybe they just want to get through the day with a smile from a stranger because they don’t see one often enough. Either way the quickest way to help both of those things happen, or hope for that to happen is to stop the madness and focus on what truly matters to each and every autism parent you will ever come in contact with….the impact. The impact of autism, the impact of a parent, the impact of our children, and the one we all really need to move to the top shelf….the impact ON our children.

Thankful for the way things just come together, when I let it.

                Road trip for the holiday today and the first thought I had this morning was, how will the day progress. I had two thoughts in my head and was just going to keep my mind open and see what happens. We were heading to my brothers house full of people. Phillip had never been to my brothers and a house full of faces can of course become a problem. So he would either adjust fine or right off the bat he would have a meltdown.

                So the journey began and we packed into the minivan on our way to the ferry terminal. Once we arrived at the ferry terminal we discovered a two hour wait to get on the boat. If we waited, on the side of the road we would not make it in time to the feeding frenzy we were all thinking about. This brought the decision to drive, also two hours but without the hour boat ride. All the while I am thinking about if or when Phillip will protest. So far he was perfect and seemed to be happy to be on an adventure. I have noticed since moving when we drive there are so many new things to see each time, he is perfectly content.

                Off we went down the freeway with the hope the traffic would not be so bad our time was wasted no matter what decision we made. Since moving back home I have had a new perspective on life in general and all the things I have missed. The busy life I was always running from is exciting and I am in love with it. From driving through Seattle to a passing DeLorean on the freeway, I just enjoy it like a little kid would. Phillip was in awe as we drove by the airport and did not take his eyes off all this planes on the ground and in the sky.

                At my brothers house he ran right inside and barged his way through the faces onto the couch. Then he was off to explore and take it all in. You could say he did this nearly the entire time we were there and was fantastic. Then the time comes he has in fact taken in all he possibly can and he realizes it. He doesn’t just realize all he has seen and investigated but it pours over him and the overwhelming feeling hits. I would compare this to slowly filling a cup with water. If you just keep pouring the water in, it will spill over the top.

                 This used to take just a short time and thankfully these days it can take a long time but either way, it hits. His first sign of overload is he wants his clothes off and at home this is fine but most of our overloads don’t happen at home. Then it elevates to not wanting to be touched and some people would mistake this for being unfeeling or unloving. For Phillip this really is him saying to me…I am overloaded with feeling and I can’t handle one more, including touch. When the don’t touch me faze begins I know this is it and very soon no one will be able to help him. Once this faze is in effect I know it is time to go. Next time he goes to my brothers it won't all be new so the risk of that pouring over won't be so strong. He will in fact remember all he took in today.

                The evening ended and as we drove past the city lights I was content, full of food, but content. He did better than I could have expected in every way and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed at that point how quickly life changed in the past weeks. Being able to spend the day with some of my family in the place I have always called home was not something I would have predicted in life just a few short years ago. Driving down the road with the people I love, able to touch Phillip again by the way, cruising by Seattle lights on Thanksgiving and home is just s short drive away is exactly how life Is supposed be. At exactly the right time and I know that because life has taught me just exactly that.

                On a day we are supposed to say what we are thankful for I can easily say I am thankful for the twists and turns, the tears, laughs, the surprises, and all those pesky things I have needed to learn even if I had to learn to the hard way. I am thankful I can say goodnight and I love you to my kids every night and know one day Phillip will say it back. On a typical morning the one thing I am thankful for as soon as my eyes open, is that I was given another day to open them. If that is how your day begins, well I would say your day started out pretty dang good. Now all you have to do is live like you really feel just opening your eyes for another day is actually a gift and let it all come together, no matter how that may happen.

A busy mind...and getting tons of exercise!

               Great visit with Phillips Uncle and cousin this weekend and was nice to see the boys play together, also to get some muscle help to move some furniture in from uncle Tank.  Today we inherited a beautiful piano that matches our dining room set and hopefully when Phillip nails down his ability to pay attention he can take some piano lessons.

                I also did the unthinkable today! I went to Ross without Phillip and it was just me and my daughter who goes off shopping on her own. I had forgotten what it felt like to go into a store, look for things for myself, and not be in hurry. Not to mention not have my family running by trying to keep up with Phillip. Yes I have been given time to do this in the past but we all know if your little ones are in the building your mind is never really on finding much for yourself.  Then I did another unthinkable! I actually bought some things for myself that I took time to pick out. Things I really like and not just things I grabbed on the fly by. It was fantastic to spend a little time with my daughter even if it was short without either one of us having to manage Phillip at the same time. Then again, I missed it a bit and found myself in a hurry when I didn’t need to be. I was even talking to myself out loud because I am constantly talking to him so he will stay with my voice. It’s just the nature of the beast now and boy did I get some funny looks. For once I was getting funny looks for my behavior and not my son’s behavior, and the irony cracks me up.

                Now we are settling down for the evening. My dad is sitting in the dining room helping my oldest son with his math homework and thank God he made a trip over this evening as soon as I called for help. That alone is just an amazing feeling all around. I don’t have to give my son a pep talk and tell him to do his best because help was on the way. Having a math and biology teacher a phone call away is going to be a God sent, literally, to get the kids caught up in a good education system. I knew they were going to struggle a bit so having that support is going to be key for them to have an education they deserve.

                Phillip is running around in his diaper as usual and my daughter finished up making some brownies I intend to dive into later tonight. Dad is kicking back after a nice weekend with his brother who is typically too far away to see for a quick weekend and I am preparing to do some investigating into some old stamps from a book of modern postage stamps printed in 1940. Full of awesome stamps I am excited to find some history on. After the little man falls asleep of course and I stuff my face with some hugs in the form of chocolate.

The days are so busy with constant things to see and do I feel like boredom isn’t even an option anymore. Very different from life two weeks ago when boredom was how the day began and ended. I can’t help but wonder if this change that has made me feel like my brain has things to do is the same way Phillip feels. He has adjusted better than I could have ever imagined he would and maybe busy was exactly what he needed. Routine is good and essential for him but routine also needs ways to keep a mind moving. Exercised might be a better word to use and his busy mind is not just getting the ease of routine but the exercise of never sitting idle for way to long.

A busy mind must keep moving and this boy’s busy mind is doing a whole lot of moving these days, along with a bigger house to keep this little legs moving right along with it.

Check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

I have noticed something in the busy world and it’s a little depressing. The robotic nature of people on the go is everywhere. Maybe I am more sensitive to this because I have a son I was told would be this way when it comes to autism. I can tell you now that is not the case at all even with routine he is very much in tune with the emotions of people. He may show it differently but it’s there.

                When I am out and about I can watch people go from customer service mode to complete shut down until the next person comes along. Just trying to be friendly to people in general seems to be forced in society. Even if you get a good reaction the person seems surprised to have been approached in a human way. When I say human I mean, with a smile or a kind word just in case that has been forgotten by the general public. People aren’t even aware of each other anymore and I consider myself a pretty antisocial person. I don’t like big crowds and extremely shy with people I don't know but I am still aware if people around me and the desire to relate to each other.

                Have we become so plugged in and in a hurry to keep up with social expectations we have actually forgotten what social means in the first place?

Social

Adjective

1. Pertaining to, devoted to, or characterized by friendly companionship or relations: a social club.

2. Seeking or enjoying the companionship of others; friendly; sociable; gregarious.

3. Of, pertaining to, connected with, or suited to polite or fashionable society: a social event.

4. Living or disposed to live in companionship with others or in a community, rather than in isolation: People are social beings.

5. Of or pertaining to human society, especially as a body divided into classes according to status: social rank

 

                Just a few definitions of social and now that I am actually off the mountain and mixed into society I am wondering if people really are social beings anymore. Yes with people we know well of course we are but what has happened to the way we approach each other as strangers in general? Do we still even know how or is it now considered odd or weird to be kind and polite to people we don’t know. Everywhere I go I run into robots unless I force them to into small talk and let me tell ya, I do. At first they seem to think I may have doubled up on a Prozac prescription and then they seem to relax and remember how to be a human being again. Discomfort and confusion turns into ease and a smile.

                Today I was driving in town with my daughter who is twelve. A man was on the side of the road with a sign that read, I need help. Not for drugs or alcohol just help. Call me a sucker if you will but I gave my daughter a dollar to hand him and she seemed to enjoy giving it to him. I don’t care what he spends that dollar on, what I care about is a man who has reached a point in this life he feels he needs to do this with 30,000$ cars driving by paying no mind to a clear social disability of everyone involved. From the man to the people who ignore him, we are all responsible for the way we choose to be aware of society.

                I have spent 5 years isolated from society for the most part on the side of a mountain with most of my communication being kids and now that I am back in the rat race I find it totally ironic autism is considered socially disabled. I did before the move but now I am even more at odds with the social pressure we are putting on autistics to fit in. When you really take a good hard look around as you go about your day the greater population has in fact become socially disabled. I can tell you this when it comes to autism things need to be logical and understood. How can autism ever keep up socially if logic and understanding is no longer a part of human nature in general? Why do we take a difference and put an expectation on it that we ourselves may not even be close to living up to in the big picture of life.

                Think about this as you are living day to day and try to adjust to each other even if it’s just a smile or friendly tone. If we are going to bombard an alarming rate of children being born autistic with a standard in society to meet,  we as society need to actually live up to that expectation. In the words of the artist Ice Cube way back in the day and not exactly but close to it…We need to check ourselves, before we wreck ourselves, or possibly an entire generation of kids who are fighting to live up to a social standard we can’t even seem to figure out for ourselves.