Even Jesus was a Toddler

   Yesterday my son and I stopped at World Market and it's one of his favorite places to go. Lots of breakables but it never worries me because he is actually a very careful child. The reason he loves going there is the toy selection and I agree with him because all of the toys are battery free and old fashioned toys that require thought. I like that and I prefer old school to the way times have changed, especially when it comes to how kids learn and play.

    He was wild and all over the place so I had to work a little harder to get through the store with all eyes beating on us. I could feel it and even though no one was rude, people don't have to be rude to be clearly judgmental towards you as a parent. It's the slow walk and stare at your child approach I see all to often. While I was paying my son picked up a vase and when he tried to put it back it fell over and rolled onto the floor, shattering. Of course this event caused everyone to stop and watch that mother with the high energy, not listening, unruly, tantrum throwing child who broke something because she isn't doing her job. Not exactly correct but that is what most people would see and the fact I didn't get mad at him probably made some of that judgment worse. It was an accident and honestly he wasn't very happy with what happened either. So, I quietly paid for the vase and we left, eyes still on us because he had already thrown two tantrums over being told no before the incident happened. He had already grabbed judgmental eyes just being three.

   I have reached a point with my son that I guess you could say I have let some things go. Some things being the way I am told he needs to be, the way he is supposed to act, and the way society has decided how every child and parent are supposed to be. To me it's all complete crap and so is any form of judgment that shoots our way.

   My son is three years old, stubborn, smart, autistic, and testing the world. Testing limits, boundaries, the environment, and top of the list he is testing me. That's what kids his age do and they don't stop, the tests just become different with different ages and stages. He throws tantrums (aside from meltdowns) and he behaves like a three year old would or should. He is definitely a challenge and I have to really work to keep up physically and mentally. I read last night there is a disorder now that basically suits kids who throw tantrums called, Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder. When I read about it all I could do was feel very very bad for the state of our society and the kids growing up in it.

   Disruptive meaning what a child is doing is an annoyance. Mood, another word for how one might feel. Dysregulation, a fancy word for not being normal or regular and disorder is basically another word for mental illness. How in the hell have we become a society who has allowed our children to be considered mentally ill for acting like children? Is a childhood tantrum so completely out of line it needs to be addressed with a label ending in disorder? Have we become so blind and confused that we don't even understand how kids can be anymore? I heard an add on the radio a couple of weeks ago for ADD or ADHD and the add claimed a video game could help our children fight back the symptoms. Similar to so many adds for autism I come across. I turned the radio off right after I heard it because we live in a society that is hell bent on fixing every single personality and shaping it into some kind of extreme order that actually doesn't exist. If it did we would all be walking around exactly alike. How entirely boring would that be and impossible to ever make happen.

   My son throws tantrums and a lot of them are not associated with autism at all, they are because he is three. Six months ago he did everything I told him to when I told him to and I will to say it was easy, I was blown away by it. As a parent I kind of felt like I was getting by pretty easy but that has changed. I am glad to see it because it shows me he has a strong personality of his own that is busting through and challenging me is not something I see as a bad thing. Of course I challenge him back and want him to understand I am the mom but I don't want him to go through life doing everything he is told when he is told to by everyone. I am just his first test subject is how I see it and I am thrilled he has found that part of him, he is going to need it in a world full of confusion and people who might sometimes be wrong. People who have decided all children should be acting a certain way and conforming to a standard no one will ever live up to and adults face the same pressure.

   I don't know who is coming up with all of these childhood disorders and calling so many kids mentally ill for being kids, but I would love to have a sit down with some of their mothers. I would love to ask them what raising these people was like. Someone said to me last year after my son had completely broken down in a grocery store and at the time I felt embarrassed by it and frustrated he wasn't behaving himself. They said "even Jesus was a toddler" and that comment never left my mind. It also erased my embarrassment and I suddenly was embarrassed because I had completely forgotten that my child didn't have to be perfect. Even Jesus was a toddler and so were the people who are creating so many mental illness guidelines that apply to our kids. They had tantrums, challenged their mothers, probably caused a few public scenes, struggled in school in some way, had mood swings, and made it all the way to being an adult who could write the guidelines for things like Disruptive Mood Dysregulation  Disorder. I guess you could say they made it to being a successful adult depending on how you view success. I am no therapist and my opinion is irrelevant but I know I am not the only person tired of seeing children diagnosed and medicated for everything under the sun. It's out of control and when I read all of the stories I have I don't think it's children that are out of control, it's adults with an idea of what control should be and it's no good.

It's ok to cry, one day he will jump!

   The dreaded mom breakdown! If your a mom and have never had one of these well you must tell the rest of the mothers on earth your secret to completely holding it together always. I would be shocked though if a mom like this exists. Autism or not, every mom feels pressure, feels doubt, feels overwhelmed, feels judged, feels exhausted, and feels like she will keep doing it no matter what because it's what she does. I don't know a mom who hasn't burst into tears at some point over one of the feelings above at some time during motherhood, not any good moms anyway.

   Being an autism mom makes not one bit of difference when it comes to this topic although I think I can say a lot of autism moms cry and cry a lot. It's hard and we know it, we would be lying if we said it wasn't. We had a weekend full of meltdowns and full of routine changes, not big changes just a couple of new things tossed in we don't normally do and well when it comes to autism this can cause big challenges. We made a trip to our local dump with grandpa in an unfamiliar truck, then changed to grandpa's car to go home. All of it not part of our daily routine so arriving home left my son full of extreme anxiety. Crying, screaming, kicking clinging, and a relentless attack on his comfort level. Eventually I decided this attack was not going to stop until we did something very familiar, almost like attacking it back with what his mind craves, routine. Into the mini van we went and back to grandpa's house for just a short time. When we returned home all comfort was restored but he was exhausted and it effected him all day.

   The next day we made a simple trip to Starbucks to see old friends and this is something he has never done. I could see from his extreme energy and could hear from the sounds he was making his mind kicked into overdrive and knew we would both pay the price later on. His mind was so busy the only way back was via meltdown at that point. That's hard to understand but it's almost like he has to crash and burn in order for his mind to stop at times.

   That is exactly what happened and once again the screaming began. Now at this point motherhood kicked me and I did the unthinkable. I cried and I cried almost as hard as him. This happens to moms and I can say when my big kids where little and I was exhausted I cried a time or two as well. Not a sad cry just a cry that wants to fix it all. Moms often have to turn there backs when a child is upset so a child can work through that feeling and understand how. Maybe a child is mad about going to bed or mad they can't have a toy so a tantrum begins. Sometimes it's just an age and eventually they learn to manage what works on mom and what doesn't so it gets better. That doesn't mean it's not exhausting.

   There was a difference though between my cry now and my cry back then with my other children. You see it wasn't exhaustion because I am not tired, pretty well rested actually. I am not frustrated with behaviors or any stages he is going through. What this cry was is simply heartbreak and not a constant heartbreak, one that hits occasionally just because of how hard autism can make life for him. You see the thought that my son can't simply do something new or different without extreme anxiety breaks my heart. It is very hard to watch a little boy struggle through a very simple change to the point he has to crash. As a mother that hurts to see and hurts to know I cannot do one thing to prevent it. It is totally out of my hands. I can control his environment and I can gage what he can handle in the way of crowds or noise. I can decide if something might work or might not but I cannot slow down his mind and ease anxiety over changes.

   It's is perfectly ok to cry and this is how I look at it, I am horribly afraid of heights. I cannot even climb a ladder or stand on a chair without feeling fear. The higher I go the more fear I feel. If my mother had to strap a parachute on me and push me off a cliff nearly every day in order to for me to learn not to be afraid...I would be very concerned if she did not cry at some point and because I know how much my mom loves me, I know she would cry the very first push! At the same time if she knew eventually I would jump on my own she would still do it if she had to. The changes are scary for him and being he is only 3 understanding those changes makes it even more difficult for him. So, if I can't always fix it and I have to push occasionally we cry together and one day he will jump.

Having control of your mind and senses is something we forget to be grateful for, until your an autism parent.

                Yesterday was full of way ups and way downs and all of us were exhausted from it. I knew this was potentially going to happen after the first appointment at the autism center. You wouldn’t think 3 hours of fun would throw everything off in such a drastic way, but it does. Something that is difficult for others to understand and the reason is the result of the changes happen at home. Only we see what comes from his mind trying to keep up.  I actually try to keep it that way if possible for good reason. It is a exhausting and painful thing to see happen.

                He woke yesterday with a pretty intense energy level and I could see things were building quickly to a hard day. We went to grandpas for a bit because he just loves his grandparent’s house. He did excellent while we were there. Listened to me while we walked around to the neighbor’s homes and he had plenty of room to run and keep running. When it was time to leave he nearly brought me tears of joy, the way up of the day. He grabbed grandpa’s shoes from the hallway and placed them in front of his feet then stood in front of him waiting. It was clear he intended to take his grandpa with him and considering he won’t retrieve his own shoes, this was a very big deal. Grandpa put his shoes on as he was heading outside anyway but what happened next blew my mind. Phillip reached up to him to be held. Also doesn’t seem like a big deal but when you are the only person he does this to, it is a very big deal and I was quietly throwing a huge celebration party in my head! Maybe he didn’t want to leave or maybe he wanted to take grandpa with him but why doesn’t matter as long as he did it.

                We left way up and arrived home to meet the way down. We played in the garage for a bit but when it came time to go into the house he completely lost his self control. The meltdown began and it did not stop for hours. Typically I can place him in the bedroom and it subsides but this one was not going to leave us so quickly. Eventually he allowed me to remove his clothes and he frantically communicated a desire to take a bath. I assume reaching for something to ease him but the bath ended with making things even worse. You see his mind wanted ease but the physical sensory overload was like a freight train collision. We had reached a point I could not touch him at all or his meltdown grew much worse. Even though I know better I tried because you still have that mom in you that wants to find a way to end the struggle. Eventually he lay down on the floor and I had to remain in the room without touching or speaking. If I tried to leave the room it pulled the trigger all over again. Maybe the sound of me moving or even sight of me moving caused a problem but part of it is his desire to feel better and mom is needed. Not moms touch or talk just mom’s presence. I can’t speak for every child with autism but I know when a down like this happens my son is afraid. Whatever is happening that he cannot control on his own is draining and frightening, physically and mentally.

                Eventually we both fell asleep and before I crashed with him I tried to move him onto the bed, but he woke and went right back to the floor in the corner. He woke hours later in a better place but I still had that fear it might surface again. I was not afraid of him but afraid for him during all of this. It’s a process educators and even people close to a child do not understand. I know the routine change and sleep schedule was the main trigger so I knew this was a possibility but many people do not understand with autism the smallest changes can rock an entire world. They don’t understand being overwhelmed is not just mental but physical as well. The mind can’t take one more ounce of processing and the senses seem to go into complete overdrive. The mind crashes and all of those senses that take in sound, smell, sight, and touch are can’t work to get into the mind at an even flow. Patience is the only way out and understanding what is happening can at least provide a bit of security. This is the process that makes some people believe autistic children are bad but the reality of this process is a child is in a battle with themselves. Imagine this feeling and imagine you can’t explain it to anyone around you. Now imagine being punished for it. Having control over our minds and senses is something we forget to be grateful for as we go about life, until your autism parent that is.

               

A little information fire cracker!

                Yesterday this mama had to get away from sitting in the house thinking, it was mandatory to do with the way life was coming at me. My oldest son went to a movie with grandma and my daughter and I went to Ross to shop around for a while. There are times you stop somewhere and you worry how you’re going to get in and out without a public display with the little guy. Most times actually but yesterday I made up my mind my daughter was going to get all the time in the world she wanted and the little one was going to get the same.

                It was a busy place and that is never a good thing but I told my daughter to go do her thing and we would just wander around. Now, Phillip doesn’t wander anymore, he sprints and while he is going top speed he is actually taking it all in. We spent over an hour at full sprint in Ross going around and around stopping for just a moment every once in a while to touch something interesting. Being that it was a busy day I had to weave through the crowd and try and keep up. He just flies right through finding those tiny openings while mom is trying to keep up. I find it kind of amazing some of the spaces he can slip through because it shows just how much attention he is paying to the environment he is in.

                What happens when a mother is chasing a child in circles through a store at top speed? Society happens. The looks as your flying by are all very different and come at you as good and bad. One person might giggle and say “he is a quick one!” while another person might stare with disgust at your parenting. Or lack of parenting is really what they believe is happening. They wonder why you just let your child run and you don’t stop him and they don’t see one thing cute about what is happening that is for sure. Then you have people who try to speak to him and he is totally unaware. He won’t respond but if by chance he does it’s not a verbal response they expect. They get confused by him and aren’t totally sure what is happening. I have seen kids out in public with Ipad in hand which has been recommended to me and I have tried it. Even the magic of Steve Jobs can’t turn the world down, something I wonder if Steve jobs himself could have related to. I also don’t want him glued to a screen so we leave the technology home.

                Phillips energy level is something people don’t understand at all. That energy level has a big affect on things we do and places we go because the reality is he can’t slow down. He has no concept of sitting when there are things to explore. He will sometimes follow but to get him to do it is unpredictable and a big job. He might have a day he follows me through a store but both him and I have the spent the entire time making that happen. If he runs a few feet and turns around that is a huge accomplishment but it’s also a constant battle to get it to happen. If I say his name and he comes back, society views him as a behaving and I just want to hug him and say “you did it!” It has nothing to with behaving and everything to do with grasping the ability to control what he is doing.

                I can’t take him a restaurant and put a kid’s meal with crayons in front of him because those crayons are nothing compared to what is happening all around him. He cannot block any of it out and his little body responds just as much as his mind does. At home he appears to be very calm, most of the time and can control himself but home is full of things he took in a long time ago. He is like a little information firecracker! The fuse is the energy level and once he has taken in too much he might crack. Yesterday the opposite happened. He ran and ran even until his legs started to argue with him to the point he had lay down on the ground like he was planking to power up. I can’t even tell the looks people get when he is doing this and I am not freaking out for him to stand up like a proper young man. Yesterday was a bit of a breakthrough for him because all of a sudden he turned around and reached up to me. He was exhausted and just wanted me to get him off his feet. I picked him up and he laid his head on my shoulder for the rest of the time in the store all the way to the van.

                It’s a moment that almost never happens because he cracks before this ever comes. I end up having to carry him out with extreme protest because he can’t grasp the ability to know…that’s enough. Holding him with his little head on my shoulder was a moment he knew it was enough and didn’t crack. It doesn’t happen often but when it does I know he won a battle and I make sure to hug him and tell him “you did it” and he will do it again.

Padded rooms piss me off and they should piss you off to.

               Recently I learned in my state and I can imagine many others isolation rooms, padded rooms, and restraints are not a tactic that needs to be mentioned to parents. I was under the impression this is something a parent needs to agree to and that is not so. They don't even have to know.  I am going to put this as simple as possible…padded rooms piss me off.

                Not just padded rooms, isolation and restraints but the unethical and need I say abusive approach schools are taking. There is no reason under the sun any child should be put through this treatment and sent home at the end of the day as though this is what getting an education is all about. Many times unable to talk about what was done during the day or often times it’s not understood. Autism learns social behavior from the behavior of others. If mom drops her child off for the day and part of the day means being dragged into a padded room then that child might believe this is part of the day and that is that. The wrong factor doesn’t click and if anyone is working near autism they know this, or had better know this. 

                Anyone who works with autism must know what happens during the day will affect home life and the days ahead at school. If they don’t know this, get out of the special education system please.  The use of these padded rooms always follows a typical abuse pattern meaning, the room is given a name like jail or naughty room. Quiet room is my favorite one because it sounds completely harmless, it’s not. All of these titles sound similar to a time out which is a basic discipline tactic used everywhere so it doesn’t sound as bad as it is. The school does not have to notify a parent and most of the time will not. A recent story I read was a boy who had been placed in a padded room for four years beginning at the age of 6. Mom never knew because the school never told her, didn’t have to. If this was not abusive why would it not be known to a parent? Why would it be ok to do a child who can’t speak without knowledge to anyone outside of the system? If there is any kind of understanding of autism at all, it would be known this tactic could cause a huge number of problems. I find it very hard to believe schools don't know this and keeping this treatment secret until a child is able to talk about it, if ever, is abuse.

                If you research padded rooms you will also find prisons use them and most are in better shape with more space than the schools are using. Lets repeat that…PRISONS USE THEM. Now let that sink in, schools and prisons. How does a prison put an inmate in a padded room? Force. How does a school put a child in a padded room? Force.

                Maybe padded rooms in prisons are a bit nicer because we put more money into our prisons than our schools, which brings to the point of why schools would put money into something like this to begin with. You don’t have to be an autism parent to get pissed off about this and this is why, there is no limit to who can be put in these rooms. Nothing says a parent needs to be notified therefore nothing says these rooms are only for a certain group of kids. They might say that, but legally there is no limit. After all the only reason a padded room in Longview Washington was discovered and its use was stopped was because a mainstream boy was being put in it. A neurotypical boy who was able to speak and tell his mom long after the treatment began. It was only then the outrage began and something was done. Even then some people felt it was ok for special needs but not kids who don’t have “problems”.

                To end this, anyone who is working with autism or creating autism programs in our schools and feels the use of a padded room is a form of education or treatment is a damn fool. They have no business being anywhere near our children. We cannot fight everyday at home to understand our children in a way that creates progress and in a way no one else does only to send them to school and have this happen. It completely defeats the all we work for and what school systems are supposed to be working for. Progress, social development, care, independence, education, trust, faith, and love. None of which are found in isolation.

Patience that could be classified as a super power!

               There is an element to keeping things at ease for my son that I believe without it, his life would be painful. Patience and I am not talking about typical patience most parents practice but extreme patience to the point it could be classified as a super power.

                I see a lot of people force change in a child with autism and have even seen other parents root them on for being in control and making it happen. I don’t really think anyone is in control when a parent is emotionally exhausted and a child is completely stressed out. Change is so hard for an autistic mind but I have found with extreme patience it’s not impossible and it’s not painful for anyone.  Changes have been eased in very slowly here when they need to be and by slowly I mean months sometimes.

                Everyone has some degree of insecurity when it comes to changes and especially unexpected ones. I personally like change but at the same time my mind has to adjust to it before I feel completely at ease. Autism is the same as you and I when it comes to this but the one difference is the mind can’t grasp it so quickly and easily. I see this about my son and forcing him to adjust as quickly as I can does cause a tremendous amount of stress.

                This became very clear to me when I had the ridiculous idea that I was just going to stop buying diapers and get this boy potty trained. At the time I felt I was going to flat out show him what needs to be done and he will adjust. Looking back on that decision I can’t believe how foolish I was for thinking that was some kind of grand master plan that would work in my favor because it didn’t work in anyone’s favor in any way. As soon as it occurred to me what I was trying to force I stopped the process because the stress I was causing my son was not worth it. We have made a bit of progress over months with the process but only two things have happened. He is now recognizing wet is not fun and he now verbalizes when he is wet and he wasn’t verbal at all when I tried my master plan. Doesn’t seem like much but for him these are huge steps towards a change. I was told by an autism advocate a year ago he was ready to potty train because he is dry at night and if he was not programmed the way he is, that may have been true but I can’t imagine the damage I might have caused if I tried to force him every time I was told it was time by people who don’t understand him. I was also told he would never reach the point of progress he has made without intense therapy with three different specialists that matched a schedule of a grown adult’s full time job. We never made it to the second appointments for that because the people involved did not understand him and he regressed immediately. That may have been the right approach for another child but not this one.

                My point today is change is hard and yes some changes just have to come fast and we have to deal with it the best way we know how but some changes are ok to take time making. Even a very long time if that is what a child needs to ease into a secure feeling. One thing at a time and that one thing can be small to the eyes around you. If you have overcome one small step towards the goal it’s not small to a child with autism, it’s huge! Not only is it huge to feel secure enough to make one small step but huge in a child’s security in how we can help and understand. In order to feel at ease with the change my son has to feel ease with me and anyone else who is helping him move forward.

                Move forward at a pace that works and that pace might not always be what you are told. Nothing is completely clear when it comes to autism but communication comes in all forms. If a child is regressing, lashing out, and showing clear signs of stress….slow down, slow way down. Pull up that patience super power and use it because the result is more than worth the time.

               

Clothes are irrelevant..and thats ok.

             There are some big differences between raising a child on the spectrum and raising children who are not. One of the biggest differences I have found is being able to let go of some of that control as a parent. Just some of it because you still have to be the parent but some little things are ok to just let go. Lately our control struggle has been clothes and Phillip prefers to be without them.

Over time I have had to pay attention to the signals he gives me and work with them. He hasn’t slept in clothes in over a year and one blanket he prefers over the other. He can be in a sound sleep and if I place the unfavored blanket over him thinking he might be cold, it wakes him. So, I don’t bother with that blanket anymore. Even if I barely cover his feet, he wakes.  He taught me what will help him and to be honest help me get as much sleep as I can. We went from waking up all night long over and over to a sound sleep, as long as I am able to push back my mommy desire to put pajamas on him or cover him while he sleeps. The good side to this is I never buy pajamas for him; the bad side is some of those pajamas are very cute and I can’t buy them.

                At home he is diaper only. He knows now when the clothes come out we are getting ready to go somewhere and I have learned to sing a silly song with each item of clothing to get them on peacefully. My family thinks this is a humorous tactic but it works and if it works with humor, even better.  He is three so when someone is over and he has taken his freedom to a new level, meaning naked, well then it has gone too far so we keep putting the diaper back on and I am always pleased when it stays on for an extended period of time.

                The other day I left Phillip with my folks so I could go run an errand he just couldn’t tag along for. My parents know all too well about the clothing protest with Phillip and thankfully they are also two of the most patient loving people alive. I felt it was best to take him to their house as the environment would keep his mind busy longer than at home. I know at home they would be dealing with a boy without his clothes for sure because he takes them off as soon as he gets in the door, but other places he has distractions for a time before this happens.

                The day went perfectly for everyone and when I returned I was glad to see Phillip was still dressed keeping himself busy but his pants kept falling down so my dad rigged his pants to stay up. The drawstring on his pants had been tied to the button on his jacket and I found this to be hilarious! Phillip didn’t know and didn’t care or at least he didn’t seem to know. I had a hard time getting the knot undone but that was even more entertaining because typically I am trying to get clothes on him, not off of him.

 Sometimes it’s ok to let go of some of that parental control and even better when you can improvise to make things work!  Most important is to pay attention to the signals and work with them. The mommy desire that eats at us to have things a certain way can actually be irrelevant when it comes to what we need to. I want him to wear clothes and put on some cute Toy Story pajamas but he needs to be without, so we compromise and improvise. It may seem when my three year old is streaking by at home for the 25^th time today that I have not practiced my parental control but if we slept sound last night and he agreed to wear clothes out of the house with a little help from a silly song, we have success!

Life with autism: In their own words

                I really liked this short video and the little man at the end made me laugh. Logic is key! That doesn't mean someone with autism can't be funny or understand different social cues. It means they might just need a little help with it...you could say in the same way some of us need a little help with logic.

Dear Society...

Dear Society,

                I am a mom and I have three kids. My kids are twelve, fourteen, and three. My older children were toddlers together and for the most part they were able to live up to our social standards but I don’t encourage it and I will say in the last ten years our social expectations have risen quite a bit. My older children could speak full sentences very young and communication was never a problem. They could sit still when they needed to and understood the world around them better than many adults I have met in this life. I worked hard with them to make sure they were prepared for school and ahead of the expectation. They are well behaved and work hard in school. They do as I ask 95% of the time and are growing into amazing additions to our crazy adult world.

                I have taken the same approach with my youngest but he doesn’t speak sentences. He doesn’t tolerate social order such as standing in line yet and he doesn’t pick up on those expectations we have put in place to fit in. My older children can adjust when it is necessary but alas the youngest is not able to grasp this concept. He is autistic as much as he has to learn, society still has much to learn about autism.

                You see I have worked to teach him the alphabet, numbers, colors and to behave in order to appease the people around us but he has taught me this is not so easy. Repetition is what he needs and so repetitive one person nearly can’t keep up. Technology is nice because it has a battery that doesn’t run out unlike mom. The more he sees it and hears it the more it is pulled out. An example of this would be the alphabet. Over and over I sang it, showed it to him, and forced badly made DVD’s on him to learn the sounds. There was never a sign he was retaining it until one day he showed me. He knew the sounds and he could recognize the letters. He made it all the way to letter S and he fought like hell to get it all out.

                Next time you see a child blasting by you in a grocery store or whatever public place you may be, and you see a mom blasting by you right behind him with extreme patience for her child’s actions keep in mind this repetition process. Today she got him in the store peacefully for the first time. Today she may have gotten an extra half hour out of him to get what she needed. Today she also ran out of frozen waffles and it’s the only thing he will eat for breakfast. These outings, she prays for just a few more minutes of success because the repetition of trying is what makes that happen.

                I will tell you with my son’s autism, and I can only speak for him, he sees, hears, and soaks in everything around him. He may not say it or make it known he is doing it but he is. This includes the actions of society towards him. He knows he being stared at and he sees people whisper. He notices when you roll your eyes and give his mom an odd look that doesn’t appear to be a friendly one. The nasty comments made to some parents are heard and they soak in. The repetition of society is teaching our children the social expectations they are required to learn. How society reacts to a difference makes a difference to a child and a family.

                A child with autism may not be doing what everyone around them expects of them but they are fighting like hell to understand what that means. The actions of others play a bigger role in that process than people think because on the outside looking in it may seem autism isn’t paying attention.  I ask one thing and one thing only…please practice understand and repeat it as often as you can.

                That simple act almost everyone is capable of and not only does it help just a bit to create 1 in 88 amazing additions to our crazy adult world, but a little self improvement never hurt.

Sincerely,

An autism mommy, who has run out of waffles.

Wandering is a huge issue

http://healthland.time.com/2012/10/08/study-parents-receive-little-help-with-autistic-children-who-wander/

              The link above is an article my aunt sent me this morning I found very interesting on the subject of wandering. Do you have a wanderer? I sure do and I would say it is a constant issue when we leave the home. At home we have a routine, even outside, but when I step away or the routine changes outside he will just go and go. A huge worry for me when we are in a crowd or near roads but even at home he has given me a scare with his intense desire to investigate and not respond when I call for him. In fact I can’t even get us in a situation that I lose sight of him at all. I absolutely have to have a visual on him no matter what.

I remember the first time I realized how serious that visual needed to be taken and what it really meant. He was not diagnosed with autism yet and we were outside working in the yard. Phillip was just down at the edge of the house. I was digging weeds out of the flower bed and I took my eyes off of him for maybe thirty seconds. When I looked over he was gone and I assumed he had gone into the garage only a few feet away. I got up and walked to the garage saying his name but he wasn’t there. Then I assumed he made his way to the back of the house while I was walking to the garage so I continued around yelling his name. I wasn’t sure why I was yelling his name because I knew he wouldn’t answer, he never had.  Once I rounded the back side of the house and didn’t see him I started to panic, and really started yelling his name praying he would just make a sound for me to hear but nothing, just silence.

We live on the side of a mountain and our home is one story. The back yard is rather large and sits on somewhat of a flat off the mountain, but the forest is dense and lots of trees and brush to hide in. At the point I realized I had in fact lost him not only was I terrified and shocked from how fast it happened but I didn’t know what to do. If I was to run in my house to get the phone I may lose a chance to spot him or hear him and because he doesn’t respond that was the only way to find him. I stood there yelling for him for what was maybe seconds but to me it felt like an eternity. I noticed one of our shed doors was slightly open and that’s not a usual thing. Ran over still yelling by the way, looked inside and there he was. Standing there spinning a tire on a bike without a care in the world. He had been in this shed a few times and had wanted to get his hands on that bike so it made sense he went there to satisfy his desire to investigate. I can say I nearly had a stroke that day at the thought of him wandering the mountain side or even close by and me not seeing him. Wandering happens with any toddler but the lack of response is what frightens me the most. There has been a time he has simply stepped behind a large tree and I have frantically yelled for him with no reaction.

Wandering is a serious issue for kids with autism. Some are injured, lost for a long time, and even horrible accidents that end a life can come from wandering. No the child is not confused when the wandering begins. I think it’s an extreme focus and desire to investigate that can lead to dangers the child is unaware of. Preventing it is an unknown and no I have never heard anyone from his diagnosis on address this issue. I have learned therapy dogs are a very good way to prevent this from happening if you are lucky enough to have one available to you. Even in a public place a therapy dog will notify a parent when the child begins to go off track. I know with our own family dog, and she is no guide dog, he will follow. I can sometimes call the dog and he will turn around with her and stay within a safe distance.

I have considered the old backpack harness you see some kids wearing but he is nearly three and I am afraid I waited too long to introduce him to something like this. I always think about the news story a couple years ago with the woman dragging her child through the store.  It may have worked great if I had known early on this was going to be such a dangerous problem with his autism. I could have introduced it as soon as he started walking but I was unaware he had autism for one and for two the ego in me said I wasn’t putting my child on a leash. I was wrong big time on that one and introducing him to a harness early on would have made things much easier. Who knows, it may have even instilled a routine of staying close so when the time came he may have learned to stay within a safe distance. I would say anyone who has a new autism diagnosis and it’s early enough….get yourself a little monkey backpack with the leash and consider it a life saver and a fence, a nice big tall eye sore of a fence. Be very clear to anyone who cares for your child of just how much of a danger wandering can be and pray, pray a lot.

Autism for us and potty training....Think autistic!

                 Today’s post is about the potty so I will try to keep it clean in case you’re having a snack. My son is almost 3 and everything has pointed to ready to potty train for while now.  He is dry at night most of the time and his body kind of works on a schedule. The problem has been adjusting to such a huge change. Three years of a diaper and three years being comfortable with that process and with autism or any child, that change is a huge challenge!

                We started two weeks ago and I woke up one day thinking, we are going to do this beginning today. I laugh now because my optimism is sometimes over the top of the reality we face but being a bit unrealistic can sometimes lead to over thinking. Over thinking can sometimes lead to logic and I stress sometimes with that theory.

                We began going straight to underwear because after all wet isn’t fun so he will understand that after a few accidents right? No, it’s not that easy. Yes, he understands wet and doesn’t like it but there is the part of him that needed to be led into a drastic change of routine that didn’t frustrate him or we would in fact move backwards in the process. Another obstacle we faced was the potty in general. It is a seat with a big hole in it so that led to some real fear of sitting on it. Once I managed to get him on that seat with a hole then what? I could talk, dance, make weird noises, try to read a book, and use every other tactic under the sun to get him to sit still long enough for the magic to happen. Reality was we have autism and autism never sits still. Toddlers in general never sit still. I have been told stickers or a reward but in order to reward I had to find away to get him to sit to begin with.

                I won’t lie I was totally at odds and nearly broken with an answer to this. No matter what I read or advice I was given it felt like I just had to throw my hands up and call it good. None of those things were going to get a comfortable routine established and if I forced it I knew he would fight back and the battle would just grow bigger. Any parent who has been through the potty training process knows it can go all wrong with one bad incident.

                Here is the thing with autism that I know from my own son. Logic, reasons, and purpose has to be a factor. Boredom is the enemy and it is just another word for defeat with his difference. I put my mind to work with all of these factors running through my head and how to defeat them all at one time. There had to be a reason to sit to begin with. There had to be logic in the process meaning if he sits he will find a purpose other than going potty because he hasn’t found the logic in using a potty yet. I can’t explain that to him so I have to show him. Not show him myself so like so many people will suggest but show him through his own body. Taking him outside to pee on tree wasn’t going to work or I would end up with a teenager who only pees on trees.  I built something that gave him a reason, purpose, and soon will come the logic of why we sit. Is it the autism potty training answer?  No, probably not as it is different with each child.

                I will say in two days my son has sat on his potty without any problems. Sometimes he sits for just a short time and other times he sits for a long time. Last night he sat for nearly an hour and sat again this morning. He enjoys it and has found purpose in sitting on the potty. I am completely at ease with the process and know things will fall in line in his mind.

                I also know with a stroke of luck what I made for him inspired speech, counting, and a routine of sitting still. There are ways to work with autism and of course it's not easy. There are no easy answers to parenting in general. My sons mind never stops searching for purpose and things that ease him or interest him. Even when it comes to a process we should all understand like using a potty. There has to routine and purpose. I don’t know about you but a sticker chart sure wouldn’t motivate me to change my life from the daily comforts I already know. Three years of routine is not that easy to change for any child, but it’s not impossible either. If my idea bombs so be it and I will let my readers know but my unrealistic optimism that I pride myself on says we are pushing on with some awesome progress and my belief is it’s going to continue that way.

Helping with chores or packing for Disneyland!

                Way to often I see stories of disabled people treated horribly. Disabled is impaired in a physical sense and they rely on the kindness of others to help them. We all rely on kindness of others in some way to survive this world but when a child or adult has a disability it can be detrimental to daily life.

                What is it that makes people treat someone with a disability so horribly? Maybe a genetic flaw or a difference the devil created just to stir up some pain in the world. Always throws me off when autism is considered a flaw but people who harm others aren’t considered flawed. You hear the stories all the time. Maybe it is a caregiver abusing someone who needs daily help, a child being restrained in an over the top way or verbal abuse from a teacher. Then you have even worse stories of kids being placed in confinement until a parent comes to get them at the end of the day. No one even letting them out to use the bathroom and they end up expressing their feelings the only way they can. Some of those ways are difficult to even mention. I remember a story a while back of a child being placed in a duffel bag in the hallway, and the school backed themselves up on the treatment. It was hard enough to imagine an education system that uses this tactic and then an entire staff that stands behind the tactic is nothing short of insanity taking over like a virus.

                So I have to ask this, if I found my child zipped up in a duffel bag lying in a hallway why on earth would anyone have to fight to defend the moral ground on that? The self control that these parents have is extremely impressive to say the least. It’s easy to read about someone else’s child and move on to the next story but actually being the parent who lives this nightmare would be a totally different story. They are faced with school policies and excuses for why these things are done. No moral policy is ever put into place by the way and typically the policy is so vague it’s hard to battle the moral ground. Maybe parents need to start requesting a moral policy so when it is broken the fight to keep their child safe is not such a difficult one. There really Is no answer to this, even camera’s won’t stop people from causing harm because if they are capable a camera isn’t going to stop them and it that is the only thing keeping them from this being an educator in general is not the line of work they should be in.

                A common mistake made by some many people is looking at someone who is disabled and thinking there is no feeling to them. Thinking they won’t feel pain in there soul, heartache, distrust, and keeping a memory of what was done to them. They can’t always express themselves so they are really a prime target for this kind of treatment.

                Think of it this way…you are 9 with a mind that is actually 5 and you have fought like hell to get to 5. You have had a bad day with no way to talk to anyone about it and your bad day is showing in whatever way you can express it. Even if you could talk about it you’re not sure how you would explain it because you are still trying to understand that social side of people around you. You get mad and maybe act out the only way you can. Now the only adult around is putting you in a duffel bag and zipping it up. You know if you try to get out more trouble will come your way so you wait…..wait for your mom to come. Now imagine you are ok with this because you have had to do this before and like I said you don’t understand the social side of people very well. That’s one reason mom sends you here…to learn social skills. Now you’re crammed in a bag sitting in a hallway, its dark and you can hear things around you. Maybe you shouldn’t have tried to express how you were feeling because the bad day just got so much worse and you know you have to come back tomorrow. Then you hear your mom coming down the hall and now you’re not sure if mom will be mad at you for being bad.  Completely confusing and painful to process in every way possible for a child and I would bet my own life it is never forgotten.

                These are the limits being placed on so many children unable to express themselves and when they do, they learn a disturbing lesson on moral ground and social handicaps that “normal” people are having so much trouble with. This is not lessons anyone should be learning and moral ground makes that pretty clear if a person has one to begin with.

                My son hasn’t started school yet and you could say it is one of my biggest fears yet with his autism. I can only pray we find a great system for him and people who have care for every child they encounter but for so many it's just not the case. This needs to change because duffel bags and broom closets should never be in the same sentence with children unless they are helping with chores or packing for Disneyland.

                 

What I want...but I am a dreamer.

                The worlds gone mad or at least the people in it have. We could say it’s been going mad for some time and now it is starting to boil over. I don’t watch the news daily like I used to because it’s depressing and to be honest makes me never want to leave my house.

                On that note here is what I want, and I know others feel the same way. Simple break down of what I would like to wake up to tomorrow and I know I am a dreamer. I want to turn on the news and see back to back inspiring stories of people doing awesome things. I want to know my kids are going to school and will come home with a quality education by high paid quality teachers. I want the teachers to know I will raise my children and all you have to do is educate them. I want less money in prisons and more money into our children’s future and less kids on the free lunch program because parents can afford to feed them healthy meals. I want people to feel the system is a way to build life up and a not a way to stay down. Getting off of it should be the goal and actually working towards it.

                I want to see our president on TV and feel secure when I see his or her face. I don’t want to hear remarks about the color of skin because no one cared when a white man was in office. I don’t care if Papa Smurf is our leader as long as I feel respect and trust when I hear is voice, which I actually do feel respect when I hear Papa Smurf talk. No one cares he is a little blue man because he is wise.

                I want wars to stop being fought for reasons most people don’t understand and soldiers to be respected for being the kind of people who will risk going to war in the first place. I want politically correct to be thrown out the damn window because the only way to be politically correct is to not speak anymore. I want unknown cancer causing ingredients taken out of our food because there is no point in finding a cure if we don’t address the cause but I also want a cure. I want to go to the doctor and for a simple reason and not be charged an obscene amount of money. Four hundred dollars to take my blood makes me have to choose between getting my kidneys checked and then having to sell one to pay to bill.  I also don't want health care that takes my choices away so if I had to choose between a high priced choice and a dictated free service, I would pay the price.

                I want to gas up my car for under what I have been paying because once I put gas in I may not be able to go anywhere. I want to go in to pay for my gas and get smiles from the person working without having to try and force one out of them because even if your job sucks at least you have one. I want shelves at eye level with my child to full of organic fruit or healthy snacks instead of five hour energy and junk no one should be eating because profit is killing people by way of our food supply.

                I want Alcatraz to be up and running for child molesters to have a neighborhood they are actually welcome in forever. If we have to build more concrete islands surrounded by sharks to hold them, fine, that's a tax we all can agree on. No internet, no TV, no recreation hour, nothing but concrete walls and fed the same crap our kids have been served in schools. It is pretty comparable to prison food if not worse.

                I want to believe in God without being told I am delusional and say it without offending someone who doesn’t believe the same thing I do.

                This is a blog about autism so I need to go there as well. I want my son to be autistic without media talking about it like it’s a life sentence. I want people who fear it to understand it and know my boy is just that. A boy who is not like any other but still a boy who plays in the dirt, smiles, laughs, and feels like all of us do. I want people to come together when it comes to autism and fight for education systems we all feel good about. I want people to stop trying to find things to blame and move forward. If there is blame it will be found eventually but I think some people really do see autism as a genetic trait not a disease to fear. I want to be able to talk about autism and tell someone I had my child vaccinated because I felt it was right and not be looked at as though I made a bad decision. If you vaccinate or don’t vaccinate, either way your goal is protect your child. Judgment isn’t necessary. Most of all I want people on the outside looking in to see my son the way I do. A child with a difference who needs what everybody else on earth wants....understanding.

Tin Tin...Main Menu Only Please

              My son has always loved movies that are either Pixar or anything involving antique airplanes. The sound of a plane alone can completely grab his attention and he will totally forget all that is around him. When he was diagnosed they pulled out a small toy airplane and he immediately stood up and started to execute detailed flight patterns with it. Everyone just stopped and watched him in amazement. One woman said it took her breath away to see him do this. He will take one designated plane and spend time just practicing air tricks and making propeller sounds with extreme patience.

                I don’t know why he does this or how it came about but it is very interesting to watch him. About a month ago he started watching Tin Tin and loved the flight pattern of the old plane in the movie. Not only because it was similar to his chosen toy plane but he perfected the way the plane moves in the movie. He started by watching the entire movie then slowly it shortened up to the beginning of the movie that involves the plane the most. The problem now is the main menu. The only part he wants to watch is the main menu with the plane flying around the screen. If I attempt to play the movie he lets me know exactly how he feels about it and I don’t enjoy the reaction at all.

                This morning we have Tin Tin, main menu only, playing on the TV. Phillip is practicing his flight patterns and propeller sounds and I have to say he has mastered both. He has two other old style airplane toys that must be parked in a certain spot on the coffee table at all times unless he is playing with one. If you move one even an inch he will notice and put it back in its proper parking spot.

                On our way to football games yesterday I decided to bring one of these planes along as a backup plan for when he gets restless. The problem was I removed the plane from its designated parking spot. Most kids want to take a special toy with them but he was upset with me when we got in the van. He wanted me to take the plane back in the house and park it on the coffee table. He doesn’t speak and didn’t tell me this I just know.  I knew if I could get him away from the house with the plane he would not be so frantic about the situation. I put the plane in the bag and later on in the day gave it to him, with no protest. He took it and started practicing flight as I expected.

                This part of his difference is so interesting to me. What is it the science that creates that kind of order in his mind? I know it’s autism but the neurological difference between his mind and mine is what I would love to know. My mind is never in order and I have to force it to even come close so the complete opposite and to the extreme is fascinating to me.  Just an ounce of that order would benefit me and just an ounce of my disorder would benefit him.  These extremes happen all day long and many people don’t understand what he is doing but I do. I have to fight to pay attention and he fights to break his attention. A person could say you understand because you’re his mom but I really think a lot of it is the difference to an extreme and a respect I have for it. Society considers my disorder a weakness and his order a weakness but then again society is way too hung up on weakness and needs to focus more on the strength of others.

Authority or Power? They are not the same...

                 No autism today because honestly things have been going so smooth along those lines I can’t think of one thing to write. That is a very good thing for us but not so good for my blog.

                Today I am writing about adults in a position of authority. When it comes to being in this position, especially when it comes to children, a parent needs to feel their child’s best interest is always top priority. Even if you don’t agree the actions have to send the message that the child is the common ground and what is best for them is the goal.

                My daughter had to have her DTap immunization to begin Junior High and we did that which led to some moderate side effects and she was not feeling her best when school began. I have never had to hand deliver an immunization record so that was something I had forgotten to do. I had spoken with the authority to let him know she was in fact immunized. Yesterday my daughter called me from school and told me I needed to deliver the record right that minute. I told her I couldn’t do it right at that very moment but I had other things to bring to the school so I would be there later in the day. That is when she became upset with me and told me she will be held out of class and made to sit in the office until I bring it in.

                My first thought was…are you kidding me? But she was not kidding me. My second thought was…why am I speaking to my daughter who is now in the principal’s office for the first time in her life about this issue? So I asked my daughter to hand the phone to an adult. I didn’t care which adult, just someone with an adult perspective and wise enough to send her back to class. The adult I was handing to was rude and stated she couldn’t go back to class without the record as it is state law. I explained I understood state law perfectly but she has been in school over a week and she needs to be in class. If there one thing no one should do is recite state law to a mother of an autistic child when it comes to immunizations. That part actually makes me giggle. At this point I was not happy at all with the tone I was given, the lack of respect, and the simple fact my daughter was being held out of class. I also assumed after speaking to this woman they would send her back to class because common sense tells you keeping her in the office is unjustified at this point.

                When I arrived at the school as soon as I could, and maybe a half hour later I saw my daughter sitting in the back of the office reading a book. You can only imagine at this point I had flames coming out of my ears. I walked into the office past the receptionist and told my daughter to go back to class, which she did gladly as I found out she had missed two classes already. Meaning she sat there much longer then I had even been made aware. I tossed the record onto the desk and decided at that moment I was not going to leave silent like they expected me to. I rarely speak up and I am always polite even when I don’t want to be but in this lifetime I know firsthand sometimes adults are just flat out wrong.

                I said to this woman, I don’t appreciate my daughter being punished for something I had forgotten to do. When I said it, no one looked at me but I did see her eyebrows go up as if she didn’t like what I had to say. I waited for a response and nothing so left quietly. When I arrived home the principle called me to notify me that I had been disrespectful and created an unsafe environment. Huh? Unsafe? I told him his tactic was wrong, I give the respect I am given and I understand the immunization was needed but to one day decide to yank my daughter out of class when in reality she shouldn’t have even began school if we are talking law, was just not ok. In the end of the long conversation and I can say we both made our point I was asked to show respect when I enter the building. I completely agreed as long as that was based on a mutual respect. Also agreed. He and I have always been on good terms and I don’t want that to change.

                The problem for me now is I don’t really have much respect for the authority anymore even though I really want to. My daughter’s education is supposed to be top priority and our common ground, but taking her out of class was not the message that was sent to me. The message I received was, do as we say or your daughter will pay. Really no other way to describe it.

                Sometimes adults are just flat out wrong and authority can be confused with power. In this case easy to deal with and no one was hurt or strongly affected but in many cases that mentality is a serious and dangerous problem. Speak up when your gut tells you to and make sure the actions match the intent, which should be positive intent when it comes to your child. School is a place to learn and be social. Yes kids need to respect the authority in life and so do adults but always pay attention to the difference between authority and power. They are not the same.

                Of course later that day to my surprise the receptionist from a different school called to notify me my oldest child and his friend, God love them both, had changed her bulletin board on the front of the school to read a dirty word. He’s 14…and 99% of the time very well behaved but this time the authority was not happy and we were on a common ground;)

Autism is not a crutch...unless you allow it to be.

Today Phillip and I went shopping for my oldest son’s birthday next week. There is always a 50/50 chance how an outing like this will go. Last trip to the grocery store he was perfect but I did have to carry him the entire time and being nearly three, it wasn’t an easy task. Whenever we leave the house I always know that I really don’t know how it is going to go. I guess that way I don’t fear it or get to excited either.

I knew right away today when he tossed himself onto the ground as we walked in the door this was not going to be a successful day. Especially when I tried to stand him up and he went into wet noodle mode. Typically I try to push on but today was not the day, so I scooped up my little wet noodle and left before it could turn into a public display. I wasn’t upset or frustrated with him at all in fact I was a bit relieved. That’s right I was relieved because the reason he tossed himself down was because he didn’t want to follow me. He wasn’t overwhelmed at all, and I didn’t see any autistic triggers. What I could see was a strong willed little boy who just didn’t agree with his mama.

There is a fine line between an autism inspired tantrum and just a good old fashioned toddler tantrum. It’s a hard line to spot and many parents have a hard time knowing which is which.  Sometimes it is easy for me to tell if he is overwhelmed or hyper stimulated but other times it’s not so easy. In this case it was nice to see him just being a boy with a very strong opinion. Since he can’t speak his opinion to me he used the wet noodle tactic to get his point across. I supposed when you feel life revolves around the difference you get a sense of peace when something happens that has nothing to do with it. Of course everyone knows he has autism but what I don’t want is every time he is just being a boy, everyone to assume it’s the autism and calls it good. It’s just not always the case and thankfully many times I can spot the fine line but for so many others they are still trying to figure it all out. Especially when each child is so different and there is no handbook on how to find it. Just time and patience!

Make sure that line doesn’t go unnoticed and the blame isn’t shifted to autism for every little thing. Yes, it causes challenges but parenting in general is a challenge and we have to always remember if we credit autism for every little thing, when does a child ever break away from that label and is recognized as an individual?  Kids with autism are capable of taking responsibility for their actions and can learn to understand their own personality aside from autism. What we need to remember along this journey is… as parents if we allow autism to become a crutch than that is exactly what it will become.

 

Stupid Awesome Day...

                Today I am officially running on pure exhaustion. Thank God for mommy adrenaline and simple fact I have no option but to keep doing what I do. Maybe that is one thing I really love about being a mom, you can’t get out of it! It’s full time, nonstop and action packed, the perfect job for me. I can’t get bored, I have no idea who is going to say what, at least one of the kids shocks me on a daily basis one way or another, and I get to watch them decide what they want to be in this crazy world and how they will go about doing it. To me one of the greatest rewards as a parent is seeing the changes over the years take place. The good changes make you extremely proud and even how they handle the not so good changes give you a rewarding sense of pride.

                While the older kids are teenagers I still try to make a daily impact if I can that still makes me feel like mom is necessary for more than a ride and a few dollars. This is not easy because the reality is some days that really is the only reason they need me.

                I bought a white board for my toddler thinking the instant erase and start over tactic would hold his attention. I have learned with the twist of autism, you can think all you want to and it still only has a 50/50 chance of being affective.  This idea was not effective so, I turned it into a positive board that I write a positive message on to keep spirits up. Maybe teenagers won’t listen when you want them to, but a bright sign on the wall can’t go totally ignored. Before school began I wrote on the board to have a fantastic awesome day and keep a smile on. Just before bed I noticed my positive sign had been tampered with.

                Someone has changed fantastic to stupid and smile to frown. I asked both kids who had put the negativity on my positive board and come to find out they both took part in mucking up my inspiring words. Both kids thought it was funny and couldn’t help but blame each other. Of course I gave a joking mom lecture about staying positive and keep the nasty negativity off the happy board. Both kids were laughing and off to bed. As I was walking down the hall I told them both to have a stupid awesome day at school. Little did they know the joke was on them in their attempt to oppress my happy white board.

                I sat down with a smile on my face because I knew they had to read it before they changed it and the simple fact they worked together.

                Impact for the day? Check!  Mom is still necessary? Check! Mom’s parental reward? Big solid check!

Warning Label! Abilites! Do not Ignore....

               Yesterday was a day of reflection for me. We have plans to move and I have begun to clean out things we don’t need. Along with that comes discovering things you have. My daughter kept me company while I sifted through boxes full of random stuff and my little man played contently in the dirt, without eating it for once.

                Books, pictures, drawings from my older kids when they were little, and lots of memories came flowing back. Some things carried a memory with it but at 35 years old there was no chance I would recall what the memory was. Or we would find something that gave me a small glimpse like a beach would come to mind and an hour later I would remember a family trip the item came from. Thank God for that hour later or it may have driven me crazy trying to recall.

                In the bottom of one box I found a couple of old cassette tapes from very early on in my childhood. My grandmother on my dad’s side would read books and tell stories. She would record herself and send it in the mail. My grandmother was a very powerful source in my life and passed when I was a teenager, a selfish teenager who never took the time to let her know how she impacted my life. I still remember her like it was yesterday. Her kind lap to sit on and listen to stories she had memorized from books and the enthusiasm she would have when she told those stories that would not allow my mind to wander away from the places her stories took me.  To me she had super powers for being able to hold onto my mind the way she did and even though she was stern and didn’t take any guff, she had a nature that made a child feel safe and home. Even if it was just a visit with her I always felt like she gave me a gateway to a world inside books. She encouraged me to write and write a lot and never stop using my imagination. Until my teenage years hit that is exactly what I did because she had shown me it was a way to slow my mind down.

                 I don’t think my grandmother ever knew how she affected me this way. Even when I come across an old book that may be worth holding onto, I have a rule of thumb. If grandma would have encouraged me to read it, it’s worth keeping. She never knew my mind was always running circles and if she would have it wouldn’t have mattered to her. She would have treated me the same way with no excuses.

                I put one of those tapes in my cassette player, and yes I still have one, and there she was. Her enthusiasm and storytelling came right back to me years later. The smile on my face was literally because it was as easy as hearing her voice again to take me back 25 years or more and feel that encouragement all over again. At the same time I looked at my autistic son whose mind is much busier than mine ever was and remembered an important lesson grandma didn’t know she taught me. Every child has unstoppable abilities no matter what obstacles are in the way. They just need a cozy lap to sit on and a quiet voice to help them pull it out and use it. No matter what the world has labeled us with, the ability should never be overlooked.

                What if we lived in a world we didn't label what is considered a flaw and only had labels that gave everyone a warning as to what we are capable of?

Powers Out....Thank God.

                We are way too plugged in and yes I am sitting at my laptop getting ready to make a technology speech. Our power went out last night for a few hours and at first I felt a little frustrated with the situation. Then it just got so quiet and real I started to enjoy it a bit. All three of my kids where sitting in the living room with me and nothing to do but talk and laugh. No TV, computer, phone etc…just each other and some not so great flash lights. After a while I started think I should flip the main breaker every once in a while just to clear the chaotic technology smog we are all living in and bring us all together with nothing to do but entertain each other.

                Have we become a society so reliant on technology we have forgotten how to rely on each other? Have we given technology so much power to educate, that people are forgetting how to do it themselves. We have smart phones, smart cars, smart this and smart that but what the world is running out of smart people. Kids would rather text than talk and our cars tell us what to do. Don’t get me wrong if it wasn’t for technology I wouldn’t be able to blast my babble to whole free world but when is the time to step back and get our humanity back.

                Man is so hell bent on advancing that sometimes it seems we have advanced ourselves into giving our advancements total control over us. Along the way humanity is being drained out of our society along with the ability to think. What can we expect when we leave all of our thinking up to technology which has no feeling or empathy. Soon we become more like it and forget how to be human ourselves. A scary thought when you really sit back and think about it. Trust me…I do this a lot.

                I pads are in big demand for people with autism and it really is changing lives for some who could never and may never speak. My son has the ability to speak and will with time. I thank God for that and with patience it will come. Do I want an I pad for him? Sometimes I do in all honesty but other times I am reluctant to allow him to be so attached to technology he isn’t able to learn humanity and empathy. I will use technology to help him no doubt about that but I don’t want to see any of my children become so reliant on it they forget what being human consists of. Something you can never find on the internet, get from a smart phone, find in an Xbox, or download. Empathy, care, communication, and the ability to think. 

                At the end of the day I think we all need to push through a power outage from time to time or just go flip and main breaker and remember what it is like to need each other. Take the time to just shut it all off and focus on each other. After spending a few hours in the dark with three awesome kids and a couple of barely working flashlights...I could go for a power outage at least once a week! Or more;)

Bullying Will Never End...Reaction is Action!

                 School is beginning for everyone and it’s a hustle for those are getting ready. School supplies, clothes, schedules, and stress in many cases. Lots to do and lots to think about for parents and kids. One of the things parents with an autistic child have to worry about is bullies, and this is not just something a parent of autism thinks about. With all the end bullying campaigns and public awareness on how to deal with it, it is still very real and never ending. There will always be the nature of the beast in school or the adult world.

                We see so much on YouTube, facebook, and the news on a daily basis about someone being treated horribly. More often than not it’s on video because someone felt it was a better idea to record than step in and help. I can’t say back before all this technology is was any better but it does seem like it has just gotten worse as far as empathy for others in this crazy world. Younger generations are failing to relate to each other on a human level and seem to find more entertainment in watching others being hurt than they do helping someone. There is fear in standing up against a group of bullies and sometimes ignoring it is a survival instinct. An understandable survival instinct but we have to teach our kids it’s not just about survival.

                It’s about living and living right. The impact we can have on one person just by stepping up and giving them a little more strength when they are already being broken is huge. Bullies typically work in strength by numbers there is no reason why anyone should have to tolerate it standing alone. One life can be touched in an amazing way just by feeling what they might be feeling and letting them know the numbers can work in their favor to. Standing up for someone doesn’t always have to be a verbal act or taking on a crowd in the name of kindness. It can be a simple act of sitting next to someone or sparking up a conversation to distract the situation. Trying to set some of kind of example as a human being that others can see and one day learn from.  Teaching our kids one day the social rankings that apply in school end when life begins and acts of kindness can actually be carried with you all through life. With an impact that will last long after their school years are over.

                This doesn’t just apply to autism because we all know the social challenges kids with autism face on a daily basis, this applies to every person on the planet. If you don’t know how to talk to your kids about bullies have them read this before the school year begins and remind them popularity ends and humanity continues on. It’s a choice to be kind and leave a mark in someones life they won’t forget or even just help them feel people care simply because they can. Bullying will never end and it’s a reality for all kids and adults. We can’t control that but we can control how we react. Reaction is a powerful way to take action and it may be a risk but a risk to be proud of.