Judgement, lack of empathy, and candy

    http://www.valleynewslive.com/story/23823811/woman-handing-out-letters-not-halloween-candy
  
   The story in the link above came into my news feed this morning and no it's not in regard to autism but it is a huge look at judgment and setting a very bad example for kids trying to learn what the world is. Something all kids are doing. Here is the letter this concerned woman has decided to hand out. I assume she will open her door and do a quick 5 second assessment of children standing in front of her to decide if they need to take home a treat or a letter, they will without a doubt read before handing to a parent.

 
   This woman is concerned about the health of kids and has decided Halloween is the time to step in and send her words into the homes of parents who need her guidance. Now, she could have decided to hand out pencils or fruit snacks for the evening, in fact she could have handed out a huge number of things that don't involve candy but no, this letter is necessary to get her point across. A letter she will pass to those who she feels need it by way of a child who might struggle just a bit with self image. (Insert extreme sarcastic tone now) Sounds like a really well thought out plan to contribute to ensuring her place in the village is to get these kids on track.

   Judgment is a nasty thing and we all feel it at times in life, over and over again. When you take a child and tell them what they are, they feel it. You take a parent and tell them they aren't doing enough or they are doing it all wrong, they feel it. Everything we say to each other is felt no matter what way you spin it and we are all guilty in some way of judgment but this is an extreme no one should feel is justified. It truly blows my mind that an adult would write this letter and feel that it is OK to put in the hands of child with zero thought to how the people on the other end will feel receiving it.

   We are seeing more and more of this lack of empathy in society every single day and all we can do is try to hang onto that empathy that seems to be slipping away from people. It's to important for all of us and especially kids who are trying to manage growing up in an already confusing world. Helping people truly starts with empathy and kindness. I have no understanding of how this concept is leaving people and they don't even see it, or seem to, but this letter is the perfect example of someone who has not one clue how words on a paper might cause some harm and that is scary. The interesting part of this letter from my point of view is, my son is underweight and has an extreme sensitivity to sugar. Sugar in the form of candy makes my son sick and causes meltdowns from how it effects him so he doesn't get to eat 98% of the candy he will collect. He won't even want it and if my son knocked on this woman's door she would take a 3 second look at him and decide by appearance it is perfectly acceptable for him to have some candy.

   This letter landed this woman on the national news and it might take most people about 5 seconds to read it. For that she is going to face her own quick judgment from others and that is an entirely different topic called Karma.

A closer look at One Pissed Off Mother

   Here it is if you haven't seen it yet, the famous letter a not so friendly neighbor wrote to a grandma who cares for her autistic grandson. I have thought a lot about this letter since it hit the online world and I think we need to get inside the mind of One Pissed Off Mother and take a really close look at what's truly ailing her.
   
   Number one her greeting, "to the lady who lives at this address" she has not one clue who she is writing to, not one. Or if she does she doesn't know a first name therefor she knows nothing about how this person feels day in and day out. The greeting alone makes everything else she states meaningless. One pissed off mother has the time to get mad, throw some purple paper in the printer, and write a stranger a letter about her feelings. Clearly her feelings are top priority over "lady who lives at this address" and time is something she can waste. A privilege most people don't have or chose not to.

   We move on to her noise complaint. I think she may have some sensory issues of her own because she seems to be much more affected by it than she should be. Might be a good idea for her to address her super hearing that cannot seem to turn down the world around her. Suburbia is not quiet or even close to it and for her own personal peace, she might want to consider a move to the country herself. A park to take the boy to and let him make noise is her recommendation so not to kick her sensory difference into high gear. A wonderful idea....if he was a dog. He is a boy who can't control his body but I bet he has more control in his mind than one pissed off mother does. Physically he struggles while her struggles seem mental. I think some fresh air and daily trips to the park would do her some good to regroup  and protect the neighbors from her lack of self control.

   The special needs parent comment, she seems to feel angry with people who she feels might be getting an extra dose of help, perhaps this is a cry for help of her own. Her desire to have a special needs parent cater to her overwhelmed and intolerant state of being is clearly a show that her silent children are very hard for her and she needs others to adjust. I think a special needs parent might be exactly the type of friend she needs to overcome this state of mind and to learn the world doesn't adjust for you no matter how badly you desire it.

  Last but not least her suggestion to euthanize this young man might suggest she is a distant relative of Hitler and on top off all of her other struggles, sensory issues, to much time on her hands, lack of peace and serenity, in need of extra help in the parenting department, extreme focus on her own feelings, a communication handicap, and a anger management course or two,  I think she might be a Nazi.

  This letter seems to a cry for help but don't worry One Pissed Off Mother they are coming for you! Some advice from a special needs parent who chose to live in suburbia with my autistic son, it's going to get worse before it gets better but good people will reach out to you and help you if you ask. I think we all now know someone who could have helped you work through your intolerant state of mind. "The lady who lives at this address" has learned to tolerate and find peace in ways you might never understand. This ignorant purple mess of a letter is one irrelevant dose of just how much intolerance she deals with and the strength she has shown is to be commended and that goes way beyond words on a paper from the neighborhood Nazi.

  

Self defense instinct is something we use all the time, even as small children.

               Self defense is an instinct most of us are able to use one way or another and when we think of self defense we think about actual physical defense when we might be in trouble. There is an entirely different form of it that I didn’t even realize was so important until I had a child who doesn’t use it. It is a small form of self defense that we use throughout our lives all the time and it actually comes pretty naturally for most of us from early childhood but for my son it does not. For many kids with autism it does not. We know a child or adult with autism can be a target for being bullied and abuse because of either lack of speech or lack of understanding. It’s why so many parents worry and keep a close eye but it’s not just a matter of avoiding abuse or being bullied, it’s a also a life skill that isn’t there and yes it causes me to be a overprotective helicopter mama. Honestly I am one of those mamas’s anyway but it is possible to step that up.

                An example of this, and I could give many, but this is one that happened just the other day. We took a small hike around a lake and ended up at a swimming area with a small beach. The hike alone was very short but because of distractions it seemed very long. Lots of stops and a lot of telling my son it’s time to keep moving. When we got to the beach other kids were swimming and I let him get wet for a while. This was the day we kicked routine in the backside by the way in case you read my blog regularly and it did help very much. There was a little girl who was very friendly and she told me she was 5 years old. She was adorable and very talkative with a ton of energy which made her very entertaining to my son. He adored her immediately and would have followed her anywhere and tried. Phillip went into the water with her and she would scream “shark!” then they would run out of the water laughing over and over again. Soon this game took a twist to splashing and she began to splash Phillip in the face. Here is the self defense life skill we use even as kids or lack of. Phillip stood there and took it and it didn’t even seem to process with him that he could in fact and should, run away. The little girl splashed more and harder and soon he could barely breathe and still did not avoid it or even splash back.

                I gave him a moment to react but I also had to step in and ask her to stop because she did not understand that he would have let this continue no matter what. He was playing a game by letting her but he was unaware how to stop her. This happens a lot with other children and I am forced to step in all the time because the instinct is not there. It can be even the smallest thing like sharing a toy because that instinct is strong but he has no idea how to get it back. For one he can’t ask for two he doesn’t seem to understand the process.

                We ended up leaving shortly after the splash attack because it didn’t take the little girl very long to see she could get away with just about anything and soon the splash attack turned into a mud attack. Her mom was there but she was far away and I wasn’t comfortable having to keep stepping in. The crowd her mom was with didn’t appear to be one I wanted to end up in a confrontation with over telling her daughter what to do.

                I can’t speak for every child with autism, only my own, but I know this is a real challenge for many parents. The self defense instinct is more important in daily life than we realize and when a child doesn’t have it or hasn’t learned to use it you end up having to do it for them more often than not.  I have encountered some kids who are amazing at being very kind and understanding with my son and then I have encountered the mud slingers. He is going to meet a lot of them in his life and I am not always going to be there to be his stand in self defense instinct. A very real fear because little mud slingers grow up to be adult mud slingers. On that note, I hope that adorable little girl does not grow up to be that and she was just a child learning the world like my own child is trying to do. With a mom who was able to sit back and not pay attention for a long time and totally unaware how blessed she was to have a little girl who was able to be so independent. Then again, there is such thing as to independent.

Is cyber space stealing our ability to empathize?

                Every single day I encounter people being rude and nasty to each other. Typically that’s online because without a human standing in front of us there is no feelings attached for some people. Someone is always offended or wants to force a point of view on someone else. It is constant and it really never stops. People disagree and then the insults begin and more often than not, the insults are cruel and unnecessary. I can’t even figure out why it continues at that point because then it just turns into a battle of who can insult the other more.

                You can actually be nice as pie online and someone somewhere who doesn’t agree with you will tear you apart for fun. This concerns me a lot because it speaks volumes about human nature and how far people will take things if the empathy of a person standing in front them doesn’t exist. In my opinion this is actually dangerous to kids growing up in this world who use technology to do most of their communication. There are words but no face to see or feelings to read. We can take a sentence and read it however we want to, then we can translate feeling however we want to because there is no tone of voice attached. Even kids without autism are learning how to interact with each other as they grow up and keeping a good eye on technology is very important to keep the thought of humans and feelings alive.

                I offended someone last night with my opinion, not an uncommon opinion by the way but not a welcome one to this person and many more after that. Actually I offended more than one person yesterday with the subject of Christianity and modesty. I did not set out in any way to offend on either subject but it happened so easily it was like I couldn’t avoid it unless I remained silent. That is not how people are supposed to be interacting with each other on a daily basis. It’s not healthy period.  If I was to have said the same exact thing I typed face to face, I know the reaction would have been different. They would have heard my tone, been looking at a human being, and known I wasn’t out to offend. Maybe we would have picked each other’s brains a little more because when you are in someone’s presence you tend to care more and feel more. At least that’s idea.

                This problem is affecting everyone because the internet connects us all. Even if we aren’t in the middle of a bashing we all come across one no matter what. It’s a problem for kids learning to relate to others with or without autism but adults are affected as well. When we read a comment online we can’t see social cues so in a way we are all getting a dose of autism with this kind of interaction. Difficulty understanding each other and things are taken very literally, leading to frustration. The difference is I don’t think autism leads to cruelty when the frustration hits. Here are some ironic differences in our world between someone affected by autism and someone who is not. Not all of this applies to everyone but I know everyone has seen it in action, especially online where it has taken over.

                Some with autism need technology to communicate while others chose it. An autistic mind will fight to understand others while some people fight refusing to try to understand. Autism wants to know what those social cues are while others have the ability to read them and ignore it. Autism typically wants to make sense of things while others chose not to. People tend to think autism lacks empathy, totally incorrect by the way, while others chose to not use it. Autism is trying to live in a world without offending or being offended while others are setting out to offend and get offended.

                My point is people take advantage of the abilities they have and how lucky they are to have them. Don’t be one of those people if you can help it. If you’re looking at a computer screen always try to remember there is a human being on the other end. A computer is a gateway to each other and somewhere in cyber space the elements we need to relate to each other get lost. I think we could use a lesson from autism and fight to hang on to things that matter and help us attempt to understand each other instead of tossing it out into cyber space to get lost. Ignoring the fact we have the ability in the first place.

Guns, Government, Mental Health, Video games! huh?

                I stayed up late last night watching CNN even though late last night I said I wasn’t going to do that anymore so I could clear my mind. In the madness of our country right now and America has been mad for a while now I think we can establish one thing….we are so divided, so ignorant, so misinformed, so stubborn, so blind, and so sick in general there may not be an answer or resolve to the mess we have created.

                I have watched autism, guns, mental health, video games, government, and even white supremacy blamed for the violence happening in our country. Some of which could play a role and some of which surely have not.

                If we all sat back and really thought about how our society has changed in the past twenty years I think we could actually outline how it all went wrong. We have become a desensitized and no one did it to us, we did it to ourselves. We have all seen it happening right in front of our faces and in our homes as time has passed. Your child can’t communicate with people face to face because texting is easier and most kids will actually tell you that these days. Video games are horribly violent and yes kids need to understand these are make believe forms of entertainment but we have seen kids get so attached to this entertainment reality becomes distant. Small kids plugged into violence because some parents find it easier to plug them in than to raise them. TV used to be free of extreme violence on our basic channels and over time the bar has been pushed. Each time creating a window to push the bar just a little more. Until sitting down with your kids to watch TV or a rented movie is like taking a risk against your morals and you know you’re going to lose. These things are totally normal to kids these days by the way.

                We have a right to bear arms but we don’t care who has them. Doesn’t matter if a person’s mind is healthy or not, money grants the right to own. Other then felons or domestic violence offenders who we all know still bear arms because there is no way to stop them. We can instill gun control but enforcing it would be nearly impossible at this point. Unless every household is emptied of military style assault weapons and then we have the guns that are on the streets illegally, which we already have not been able to stop. Already against the law and already out of control.

                Mental health is certainly at a crisis and we could say that began the moment the first anti-depressant pill, ADHD pill, Anxiety pill, and every other fix me now pill was prescribed. It’s as easy as saying your sad to the doctor and POOF….a smile in a bottle is placed in our hands, no matter what changes in our personal lives may need to be addressed. Pain killers are passed out like candy and America is eating them at an alarming rate. All of these things change the chemistry of our minds.

                The internet and yes I do know the irony of blogging and blasting the internet at the same time, there is no limit on what people can see or seek out. It’s an open door to every kind of scum on earth to find victims at their disposal. Child predators just have to log on and pick one and even though we try to teach safety we all know our kids are never 100% safe online. People type things to each other they probably would never say face to face because seeing someone in person hopefully inspires some kind of human connection and empathy but words on a screen mean nothing when it comes to someone’s personal value. We also see the violence some kids are being subjected to by their own parents and recorded with a cell phone. It was just last week I saw on the news a parent who drove their daughter to a bus stop to beat up another girl and recorded it, rooting her on during the assault. We see bullies attacking victims and then when the victim is forced to fight back we root them on, with no thought as to who is recording the event with no action as long as we get to see it. We see this all the time and we watch it because it’s become a sick form of entertainment for so many.

 We have become out of control because we have slowly allowed ourselves to lose control to the boiling point. Only now we are mad and want something done as long as we aren’t told what we can or can’t do. We want to point the finger at whatever we can to find reason for the madness and everyone is pointing in a different direction. Guns, Government, media, and the list of things to blame go on and on with everyone shouting a different issue at each other.

When all of this began the first thing I heard on the news was “autism lacks empathy for others” and that statement was mind blowing to me considering a good percentage of our young society couldn’t define the word empathy if asked to. We have lost it and still during a time we all know we are in trouble we still can’t seem to grasp compromise and empathy towards each other to fight for the morals, standards, and safety we all want in our daily lives.

You will be judged the second you walk into a room.

                  I saw something this morning that made me think a little too hard with my first cup of coffee but couldn’t be further from the truth. It read...”they say to be yourself, and then they judge you.” How many times do we tell our children to be themselves? If you’re like me you say this to your kids constantly and you mean it but the reality of society is judgment comes no matter what.  We even remind ourselves all the time not to judge and then we do it, even if we don’t want to admit it.

                We judge each other by appearance, financial class, parenting, religion, race, political views, and neurological differences. There is more but those are the main categories that come to mind right now. When I was a kid I was constantly questioning everything about the world and the people in it. I fought desperately to not be a social drone, mostly because I was socially awkward and embracing it was easier than fighting it. I found if I looked as out of place as I felt no one questioned it, except for my parents of course and they had many more reasons for concern than my desire to embrace different. I remember a day my mom was very frustrated with my clothing selection and really this was everyday but she didn’t always say anything to me about it.

                On this day she said to me, “Jenn, no matter what you decide to do with yourself in life or how you choose to look, people will judge you the second you walk in the room.”

                I was a teenager so of course I didn’t listen, I never did, but her statement actually never left my mind. As a kid you don’t want to believe this so you hang on to the notion people are truly looking past all of those outside elements searching for your personality. Over time my mom’s words began to ring true over and over again. Not as a kid by the way but traveling into the adult years of life. I actually don’t remember being judged as a kid other than by adults.

                As an adult I realized a quiet personality sometimes meant that people thought I was dumb and still do. Being overweight means you are unhealthy and being skinny means you are healthy, not true by the way. I am skinny and I know plenty of people of struggle with weight who could run circles around me and I have no doubt will live longer. Going to church on Sunday makes you a bible thumper and going to a bar on Friday night makes you a drunk.  If you live in suburbia you must have a nice family and if you live in a trailer park, you must be trashy. There are so many more I could point out because the judgment list goes on and on and when I sit back and think of all these things it actually never ends.

                When we tell our children to be themselves we mean it and we want them to be comfortable with who they are no matter what but at the same time my mom’s words over 20 years ago are dead on as I got older. It’s interesting with my son being different from other kids because when we go places I do see the looks on people’s faces in regard to his difference but I can’t think of one time another child gave him a look or a child judged me as his parent. In fact kids will just flat out ask why or carry on with what they are doing. Most of the time they don’t even notice Phillip is different and still engage with him as they would any other child.

                Kids really are looking for each other’s personality even through all the differences they have. We aren’t born judging each other but we sure do teach it, perfect it, deny it, and practice it often as adults. How difficult it must be for kids to take the advice of so many adults who really should be taking the silent advice we can see in them if we pay attention. On that note, try living just one day with absolutely no judgment towards anyone. You might find it’s much harder than you think and if you are successful you are an extreme asset to the human race and I wish we could all embrace that ability, or should I say hang onto it.

 

Should be fired on the spot, just for talking.

http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Parents-angry-over-school-districts-isolation-booth-181308621.html?tab=video&c=y

                 I posted the story above on my face book page yesterday but last night when I was up late watching the news this segment came on. I have to say as a parent of an autistic child after the segment aired it wasn’t the padded room that had me fuming anymore. Ok, well a little but the things I heard coming out of the women’s mouth in the interview were so much worse to me.

                Couple of things grabbed me and for a moment I wanted to throw my TV outside and give up on society completely. They mention in the segment this room is intended for children with an IEP. The IEP is instilled when a child has special needs, in my mind this means not main stream education and that’s that. Individual Education Plan and I have to wonder what kind of padded room has anything to do with a room only a prison would use for inmates. What does a padded room have to do with education? Nothing, unless the educators have no idea what to do. If that is the case my son, who is not main stream, would never have his name on this IEP. I would hope all parents are carefully reading and considering this. If you don’t have a padded room at home, you don’t need one at school.

                Then we have this little dandy from the district spokeswoman who should be fired on the spot just for talking. “District spokesperson Sandy Catt defended the practice, but admitted the district launched an investigation after receiving allegations from another parent Wednesday.

"It is not for discipline for regular education students," Catt said.”

“Regular” education students…..that is what a person in authority and control over IEP’s has said publicly to defend a padded room. At this point I was mortified and completely in shock. The comments, the defense of the tactic and after all was said and done I had the feeling no one minded this tactic as long as it wasn’t used on “regular” kids. If little Johnny who is a mainstream child is put in this room then this child was treated like an animal. If little Jimmy who has autism is put in this room, it is part of his Individual Education Plan. Anyone else see the major problem with this?

Special needs does not mean broken, animal like, a problem, or a nuisance. Special needs means and I think we all know this, a different approach and when you look at the way our education system is heading I think it’s safe to say most American children fall into this category.

I am going to end this blog by simply saying Sandy Catt, you clearly are in need of your own Individual Education Plan and you do not understand the meaning of special needs. Maybe you need to lock yourself in your therapeutic padded room for a few hours and see if this helps. May God have mercy on anyone’s soul who closed the door on that room to any child, regular or not.

Video: School bus worker chokes autistic boy - Schools - MiamiHerald.com

Video: School bus worker chokes autistic boy - Schools - MiamiHerald.com

       I don't even need to ramble on about this one, we all know how we feel about it. The disabled child is in the restraint, but it's pretty clear who needs to be restrained in this video. Every parents nightmare and a very real one that parents with a special needs child never stops thinking about. Not just the treatment of the child and I assure you, the urinating himself was a form of communication, but the fact human beings are disgusting enough to not even consider a camera directed at them in action. NO feeling of empathy, remorse, or understanding of right and wrong.
      The autistic child is NOT the disabled one in this video, not even close. Lets not forget there are some amazing people out there working with a passion to be a positive part of our children's lives and those people must never be ignored or forgotten just because the video of there character hasn't gone viral.

Check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

I have noticed something in the busy world and it’s a little depressing. The robotic nature of people on the go is everywhere. Maybe I am more sensitive to this because I have a son I was told would be this way when it comes to autism. I can tell you now that is not the case at all even with routine he is very much in tune with the emotions of people. He may show it differently but it’s there.

                When I am out and about I can watch people go from customer service mode to complete shut down until the next person comes along. Just trying to be friendly to people in general seems to be forced in society. Even if you get a good reaction the person seems surprised to have been approached in a human way. When I say human I mean, with a smile or a kind word just in case that has been forgotten by the general public. People aren’t even aware of each other anymore and I consider myself a pretty antisocial person. I don’t like big crowds and extremely shy with people I don't know but I am still aware if people around me and the desire to relate to each other.

                Have we become so plugged in and in a hurry to keep up with social expectations we have actually forgotten what social means in the first place?

Social

Adjective

1. Pertaining to, devoted to, or characterized by friendly companionship or relations: a social club.

2. Seeking or enjoying the companionship of others; friendly; sociable; gregarious.

3. Of, pertaining to, connected with, or suited to polite or fashionable society: a social event.

4. Living or disposed to live in companionship with others or in a community, rather than in isolation: People are social beings.

5. Of or pertaining to human society, especially as a body divided into classes according to status: social rank

 

                Just a few definitions of social and now that I am actually off the mountain and mixed into society I am wondering if people really are social beings anymore. Yes with people we know well of course we are but what has happened to the way we approach each other as strangers in general? Do we still even know how or is it now considered odd or weird to be kind and polite to people we don’t know. Everywhere I go I run into robots unless I force them to into small talk and let me tell ya, I do. At first they seem to think I may have doubled up on a Prozac prescription and then they seem to relax and remember how to be a human being again. Discomfort and confusion turns into ease and a smile.

                Today I was driving in town with my daughter who is twelve. A man was on the side of the road with a sign that read, I need help. Not for drugs or alcohol just help. Call me a sucker if you will but I gave my daughter a dollar to hand him and she seemed to enjoy giving it to him. I don’t care what he spends that dollar on, what I care about is a man who has reached a point in this life he feels he needs to do this with 30,000$ cars driving by paying no mind to a clear social disability of everyone involved. From the man to the people who ignore him, we are all responsible for the way we choose to be aware of society.

                I have spent 5 years isolated from society for the most part on the side of a mountain with most of my communication being kids and now that I am back in the rat race I find it totally ironic autism is considered socially disabled. I did before the move but now I am even more at odds with the social pressure we are putting on autistics to fit in. When you really take a good hard look around as you go about your day the greater population has in fact become socially disabled. I can tell you this when it comes to autism things need to be logical and understood. How can autism ever keep up socially if logic and understanding is no longer a part of human nature in general? Why do we take a difference and put an expectation on it that we ourselves may not even be close to living up to in the big picture of life.

                Think about this as you are living day to day and try to adjust to each other even if it’s just a smile or friendly tone. If we are going to bombard an alarming rate of children being born autistic with a standard in society to meet,  we as society need to actually live up to that expectation. In the words of the artist Ice Cube way back in the day and not exactly but close to it…We need to check ourselves, before we wreck ourselves, or possibly an entire generation of kids who are fighting to live up to a social standard we can’t even seem to figure out for ourselves.

Start with kindness...even a small act of it.

                 A lot going on in the world right now and seems a bit overwhelming at times I think for a lot of people. Or if you are on the east coast, extremely overwhelming. We are about to find out who our president will be for the next four years and we all know this has people very much on edge no matter who you support. The world is a crazy place and we are all hanging onto hope for the human race.

                Just before Halloween we stopped at Wal-Mart to find a last min costume for Phillip. By chance I found one that was missing the mask and gloves. Of course I pointed it out to the checker because if you are buying half of a costume you like to think you won’t have to pay full price. The checker told me the only discount offered no matter what is 10% off and that was the limit. Wal-Mart policy was to not give any more than that under any circumstance. I told her it was fine and knew this was a company policy and nothing could be done but she called a manager anyway to just to see what she would say. The manager came over and immediately I could see she had a hard exterior and was no way she was going to budge on the 10%. We started talking and she told me I needed to go back to the costumes and find the rest of the costume which was not an option. I told the employees it wasn’t that big of deal and I was ok with the 10% and I was polite to them. Not their fault they work for a huge greedy corporation who only cares about profit. In fact with the economy the way it is, I have respect for them for even going to work every day at such a rotten place to work.

                Once we settled the manager quickly told the checker to lower the price much lower price than 10% off which surprised the checker. When the manager walked away she told me I must have caught her on a good day. My response was there is no reason to get upset with her. She is just doing her job they way she is told to. That is when the checker told me about a customer from the day before who was trying to receive a discount on a TV. He grew so angry with her over the 10% discount he went on to call her horrible names. Names most people wouldn’t be able to listen to and get up the next day to go to work. It disgusted me to think someone would be so rude and inhuman that another person’s worth in life was ok to trample on over a TV. Stories like this put a dent in my hope for the human race.

                Today I turned on the news and saw the NY marathon runners decided to run anyway even after the mayor canceled it. I suspect trying to keep the hope alive which is nice, but all I could think was they are spending the day running with a huge amount of people not to far away who need some help from people who have the energy run a marathon. Again, a dent in my hope for the human race.

                While you go about your day think about the fact that maybe you are just one person in a huge overwhelming world, you still have the ability to think outside the box. Think about your actions towards others and how you can affect someone in a big way with a small action. Kindness is a great place to start in a world where kindness stands out and people need to feel it from others. Take some time to help someone just because you can even if it means just holding a door and giving someone a smile that needs it. Go just a bit out of your way to do something you would like to see more of in society because for the most part we all have one thing in common. We all want more of this from each other and possibly we want more of it from ourselves.

Updates from past blogs. Lessons learned.

Today I am going to update from earlier blogs. Life changes quickly and sometimes I can look back at a blog and realize just how fast it happens.

                  Authority or Power? They are not the same...

This update is one I tend to be grateful for and lessons learned for more than just me. If you have read this one you know there was some static this day with my older kids school. I was not happy with the authority and the authority was not happy with me but at a football game I saw the receptionist and I didn’t like knowing that her only interaction with me was an angry little woman storming out of the school office. I apologized to her for my actions and felt much better after speaking with her briefly. Even if her opinion stayed the same I gave it my best. The principle and I have also come back to common ground and both admit the day could have gone differently. Peace was restored which brings me to the next update.

That dang normal bus...or is it?

The bus warden has been stopped. My son did decide to sit in the seat that was off limits and yes, things did get a bit more heated and difficult. Proud of him for standing up to this person knowing it could go very bad for him. When all was said the done the authority caught wind of the situation and ended it immediately. The bus bully no longer calls the shots and the kids are free to sit as they please. So that being said I have eat the title of the first update because in this case authority was in fact power and used that power to make a lot of kids feel secure and relaxed again. Also to let the bully know they are not actually in charge, an important thing for bullies to be reminded of.

 Number one challenge potty training by far!

This update is one that I have truly learned a lot from. Yes, the transition was in fact the number one challenge. It was so much of a challenge we have had to back off of potty training and wait a bit longer to try again. Even having to get him comfortable in a diaper again and right now you might be baffled. You see we mastered the sitting still. We mastered understanding the process and we mastered all the steps involved, even staying dry at night. What I could not find a way to battle around was my sons disapproval in regard to the change. He seems to want to use the potty at times but he can not connect the act of doing this with his routine and without very much verbal communication it is an even bigger challenge. He held it so long he put himself in constant pain and soon he didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t connect the potty to his mind but he had in fact connected going in a diaper was not the way. He became stuck in limbo and stuck in a lot of pain. Very hard to explain but for now, we back off and wait as I was told from the start. Patience was the wise word from a friend by the name of Susan and it was the wisest advice I have been given, now taken truly to heart.

That is the updates for now and this week will be spent packing and preparing for a move back to my hometown. A drastic change for all of us and I can only guess will bring some very good stories!

 

That dang normal bus...or is it?

               A few days ago I posted a blog in regard to some merchandise being sold that read I ride the short bus. Since then we have covered the topic of bullying or victimizing depending on how you look at it, and today I am digging into a topic that pertains to the bus the socially acceptable kids ride. That dang normal bus nobody takes aim at because no one on it needs a little extra help to begin the day. The thought we have buses at all that determine who is more challenged or less is amusing when you hear all the things that happen on a bus full of socially adjusted kids.  

                If you rode the school bus as a kid you know it was common for the older kids sit in the back of the bus. I guess you could have called it the right of passage for being in a higher grade. A rank in some ways and you knew one day you would earn your spot to, or maybe you had an older friend or sibling who you sat with. No matter how wrong it may be it was common then and common now.

                I have heard of a young person who has taken this rite of passage to entirely new level on the “normal” bus. A level I am a little baffled by because of how she has gotten away with it. This person gets on the bus after school to make sure the younger kids are not in the back row of seats. Also making sure her seat is empty. Typical bully and even though this is just a show of power it’s not unheard of.  The part that might just blow your mind is this person doesn’t ride the bus anymore. A driver’s license and drives to school but still taking the time to check the bus to make sure those seats are not taken by the younger kids. That little detail totally blew me away as to what is fueling this ambition to hold rank on a bus this person doesn’t even ride anymore. Takes time to check the bus and yell at whoever may be sitting in the seat of royalty and gets off the bus to drive home.

                In regard to bullies and the age of your kids your tactic has to change sometimes. When my kids were little I could just jump to the rescue and put an end to it but as our kids grow up we sometimes have to step out of the way depending on the degree of the situation. I wouldn’t call this a situation parents need to rescue anyone, other than the seat warden. So it’s up to the kids to react or not react to the situation. Leave the seats empty and continue on or take the seats and band together? I know what I would do or would have done back in my school days but my school days were different and much easier. I would have taken the seat just to see what would happen but I can’t say my desire to test things like this in life has always worked in my favor. Then again I can also say it has worked out for the better at times as well.

                The short bus is for kids who have a different challenge and because of that both the kids and the bus become the target. I have to wonder though if there is rank on the short bus or if kids who don’t ride it anymore are stepping on the bus to hold claim to a seat with intimidation. I find that impossible to even imagine because most of the kids riding that bus might have struggled just to get to the point of being able to. The day is full of difficult challenges and pulling rank is not usually one they have time for. The privilege of going to school on a bus at all could be something they have had to physically and mentally fight for no matter what size of the bus.

                As for the person who is guarding the seats there might just come a day someone wants that seat more than they do. Life has a funny way of humbling us when we need it, when we least expect it. If we are wise enough to expect it at all.

 

Is Bully a Strong Enough Word?

                 I haven’t posted lately basically because my mind has been going in so many directions I haven’t been able to pin one topic down. Something does weigh on me all the time especially when I think about my son in the public school system. Any school system for that matter is a fear for me as a parent. He doesn’t have the social skills he is going to need yet, and I can only pray he gains them before he faces a school setting.

                Bullying has been a topic lately everyone is paying attention to and as a parent of three children there is no way I can ignore it and don’t want to. Every time I see a story about bullying I always feel like “bully” just isn’t the word anymore that describes what is happening with kids. Twenty years ago a bully was someone who was just a power hungry jerk. Most of us have been bullied at one point in life. Maybe it was when you were a kid and someone made fun of you for having a flaw or maybe it’s been in your adult life but we have all been a part of it one way or another. When I was a kid you pushed through a bully and were expected to be strong. I would even go as far as saying it was a part of life you had to deal with and move forward.

                What I see happening now is beyond the word bully. Victimizing, harassment, assault, and abuse come to mind but bullying just doesn’t seem to fit anymore. Maybe one of the reasons schools aren’t taking the problem serious enough is because the word bully just doesn’t have a strong enough ring to it. Maybe if a parent came in and flat out stated, my child was assaulted, harassed, verbally abused, and victimized it would put more of a solid and serious description to it. Or how about just bypassing the school all together and heading straight to law enforcement. I really seems like some schools are at odds on how to really address the problem because it’s not effective. Then you have a child who can’t get away from the torment and finally defends themselves physically instead of just taking it and ends up suspended and gets fighting on their record. It that really fair to the child who has been forced to do the only left to do? The old walk away method works until the abuser just keeps following ready to attack. I have personally been overpowered by someone physically and no matter how badly you don’t want to fight back, instinct eventually does kick in and you have to.

                Internet victimizing is totally out of control and I honestly don’t see how any of us can get a handle on that. I always tell my children not to engage with an internet tough guy because it feeds them and they just don’t stop. Not responding is easier said than done and I see adults do it all the time. It’s just too hard to ignore and then the fire is fueled. We all know some people are much stronger online than they would ever be face to face and that just sets the stage for really causing some damage in someone’s life.

                At some point we have to start recognizing when bully is not a strong enough description for what is happening to kids. When someone is physically attacked by a gang of insecure girls, it’s certainly gone beyond the bully point and reached full blown assault on personal safety. In the adult world when you fear for your safety you don’t tell the principal and hope they can stop it, you file a restraining order and keep your cell phone on ready to dial 911. Seems like in a school system that suspends a kid for a day for beating someone up but will call the police over a stolen pen the priorities are completely askew.

                I don’t think anyone has a real clear view on how to get a handle of the lack of empathy epidemic happening to our kids but I know we all see it.  If and when it becomes one my kids there is no way I look at bullying the same way I did when I was a kid because it’s just not the same anymore. Bully is just not the word to describe it. It’s gone way beyond that and lack of empathy has become a disability in our youth. Kids have crossed over the word bully and have become completely out of tune with feelings in general. He scary part about that is this disability begins at home.

               At this point we all need to make damn sure this disability does not find a way into our homes.

                 

Short Bus merchandise? not cool, not cool at all.

http://www.cafepress.com/+i-ride-bus+gifts

 

                Let me blow your mind for a moment, or let Cafe press do it for me. If you check out the link above you will find merchandise that states I ride the short bus. I have to say when I first saw this I thought it was a bad joke. I clicked it and found it was actually being marketed and it was for real. Then all I could think was…You have to be kidding me.

                I do realize the mastermind behind this creating probably felt it was funny and unfortunately it’s probably selling or it wouldn’t be offered in so many varieties. Let’s face it, small minds like to take jabs at the short bus. By small I mean kids whose minds haven’t experienced enough life and are still developing an understanding for others, if they develop one at all. This is typical and we know it happens but then we have the other small minds that are grown adults and should know better.

                This is no way funny or entertaining to anyone who is raising a special needs child and I would hope people who just see this for what it is without special needs in their life. It hard enough to tolerate the lack of understanding in society without the ignorance of greed stepping in to profit but way of something thought to be funny. So far our country is still a free nation, for the most part, to profit in any way you like and offending someone is also something we are all free to do. Anyone can create a product they think will sell and it really doesn’t matter who doesn’t like it as long as there are some people who do. The irony in it is by trying to get this merchandise off the market a market is actually being created for them.

                Sometimes ignorance really does prevail but life is funny and we all know people learn lessons they need to learn one way or another. I don’t know about you but I have feeling the person or people who are making a profit on this are going to learn a hard lesson at some point in life…..and it just might involve a short bus or a person who has ridden one. We have all seen what has been happening on those long “normal” school buses. It’s in the news all the time and personally I would much rather be on a short bus any day.

An innocence I wish he could hold on to.

                We always hear how autistics may not be able to function or keep up with the social standards we have placed on each other. They may have an awkwardness to them and being social is said to not come easily so it must be taught. This concept has always been a bit silly to me just because of the simple fact I have never met a socially adjusted person in my life so asking someone with autism to adjust is the ultimate pressure we can put on them. It's known autism comes with honesty, direct communication, and faking it is something autistics struggle to do. For the rest of us lying, saying the “right” thing and faking a smile comes pretty naturally even if it’s wrong we do it if we think we need to. Autism however is known to see no logic in these things. The irony is astounding that we treat people for this difference, even going as far as trying to cure it, instead of learning ourselves from it.

                If my child is a bit different socially I am at ease with that completely and know his abilities will over shadow any awkwardness he may carry with him. At lease I intend to raise him that way and hope it settles into his mind as we tackle the challenges life will bring. There is one thing about him socially that makes me very uneasy and afraid for him. If he is on a playground and another child pushes him down he has no reaction. If a child speaks to him in a cruel tone he has no reaction to it and continues on with whatever he was doing before it happened. He will not react to this side of social interaction and I don’t want him to in a bad way, but not reacting at all could be a bad thing.

                He smiles, laughs, runs, plays, and does all of the things a boy his age should do. He loves other kids and although he may not always play in an interactive way he loves being around kids in general. From what I can see the only real social challenge that could have some real negative effects on him is his lack of ability to stand up for himself or react to a sticky situation. At the same time it’s an innocence I wish more people had. If it wasn’t just him with this state of mind a mess of world problems would be resolved. Can you just imagine a world full of people who have no idea how to be mean to each other? Full of emotions but just flat out unable to treat each other in a nasty way.  What an awesome world that would be.

                Phillip will be three at the end of the month and preschool is quickly approaching. When they said the words “special education” to me I was a slight state of shock. Honestly I felt they had gone a bit overboard on that recommendation. My mommy ego was getting in my own way at the time but now I can say that is the right place for him. My hope is other children in whatever program we find for him face this same challenge and he can hold onto that part of himself a bit longer in life. Avoiding that survival tactic until he understands what it is or at least reacts in some way. I could be totally wrong and special education could be just as difficult for him socially as main stream education, but I hope not.

                For now I am there for him with my ears tuned in and my eyes peeled but I won’t be able to do that for him forever. I pray a lot that somehow he will begin to react to this social challenge because unless he learns to react he will be a prime target for bullies and cruelty.

                It’s an innocence that I don’t want to change about him but in order for him to survive in a world full of social handicaps we don’t label, does he really have a choice? Do any of us?

Top 10 Not So Stupid Questions.

                 We are preparing to move back to my hometown and it is much bigger than our current location. Basically we have no options for our son to get an education we are happy with here and honestly the older kids are in need of better education and options as well. This is going to be a huge change for all of us in every way but a positive one.

                There are so many worries that go through my mind all of which are centered on my kids. We will be in an area with an actual autism center for Phillip and so much more for the older kids to experience. Also we will now have family to help out when needed and to just be a bigger part of our lives. A long overdue change!

                Now I have to begin thinking about schools for Phillip and how I will know he is going to the right place. Problem is, I won’t really know for sure until he begins. I know all of the Jr highs and high schools but a special education program is completely new to me. The one thing I worry about is how my son will treated like so many other people right now. The horrors are endless and I want to feel confident in the choices we make for him. Of course in the beginning of those horror stories other parents felt confident to. What can I do to feel I have done all I can? All that really comes to mind is questions, tons and tons of questions.

                The old saying “there is no such thing as a stupid question” is going to have to be exactly what I practice no matter what. Here is a list of questions that come to my mind at this point and I know I will come up with more.  New parents to autism tend to feel a bit defeated and with so much information coming at you, questions seem to fade away. With all the madness in the world and stories we see every day about kids being treated badly we have a right to ask any question under the sun. A caregiver or school should be totally willing to answer and be glad you asked.

1.       Has anyone who works for here, ever been accused of harming a child in another school or this one?

2.       When a challenge occurs at what point will you call me?

3.       Do you have clear understanding that every child with autism that walks in the door is not like the last child you encountered?

4.       Will you call me or speak with me right away when my son appears to be showing stress?

5.       Do you restrain your students?

6.       Do you have a seclusion room?

7.       Have you ever called the police on a student and if so, why?

8.       Have you ever left a student alone for extended periods of time? If so, why?

9.       How do you handle a bully situation?

10.   Do you understand even if my child appears to be tuned out, he hears and feels everything around him?

            So there is my top ten questions to begin with and when you consider the outcome of not knowing the answers to some of these questions, they are far from stupid. They are important and they should be answered before they have to be explained after something is handled completely wrong.  I will be praying when I find a school for my child, they will not only answer my questions but have all the right answers.

Helping with chores or packing for Disneyland!

                Way to often I see stories of disabled people treated horribly. Disabled is impaired in a physical sense and they rely on the kindness of others to help them. We all rely on kindness of others in some way to survive this world but when a child or adult has a disability it can be detrimental to daily life.

                What is it that makes people treat someone with a disability so horribly? Maybe a genetic flaw or a difference the devil created just to stir up some pain in the world. Always throws me off when autism is considered a flaw but people who harm others aren’t considered flawed. You hear the stories all the time. Maybe it is a caregiver abusing someone who needs daily help, a child being restrained in an over the top way or verbal abuse from a teacher. Then you have even worse stories of kids being placed in confinement until a parent comes to get them at the end of the day. No one even letting them out to use the bathroom and they end up expressing their feelings the only way they can. Some of those ways are difficult to even mention. I remember a story a while back of a child being placed in a duffel bag in the hallway, and the school backed themselves up on the treatment. It was hard enough to imagine an education system that uses this tactic and then an entire staff that stands behind the tactic is nothing short of insanity taking over like a virus.

                So I have to ask this, if I found my child zipped up in a duffel bag lying in a hallway why on earth would anyone have to fight to defend the moral ground on that? The self control that these parents have is extremely impressive to say the least. It’s easy to read about someone else’s child and move on to the next story but actually being the parent who lives this nightmare would be a totally different story. They are faced with school policies and excuses for why these things are done. No moral policy is ever put into place by the way and typically the policy is so vague it’s hard to battle the moral ground. Maybe parents need to start requesting a moral policy so when it is broken the fight to keep their child safe is not such a difficult one. There really Is no answer to this, even camera’s won’t stop people from causing harm because if they are capable a camera isn’t going to stop them and it that is the only thing keeping them from this being an educator in general is not the line of work they should be in.

                A common mistake made by some many people is looking at someone who is disabled and thinking there is no feeling to them. Thinking they won’t feel pain in there soul, heartache, distrust, and keeping a memory of what was done to them. They can’t always express themselves so they are really a prime target for this kind of treatment.

                Think of it this way…you are 9 with a mind that is actually 5 and you have fought like hell to get to 5. You have had a bad day with no way to talk to anyone about it and your bad day is showing in whatever way you can express it. Even if you could talk about it you’re not sure how you would explain it because you are still trying to understand that social side of people around you. You get mad and maybe act out the only way you can. Now the only adult around is putting you in a duffel bag and zipping it up. You know if you try to get out more trouble will come your way so you wait…..wait for your mom to come. Now imagine you are ok with this because you have had to do this before and like I said you don’t understand the social side of people very well. That’s one reason mom sends you here…to learn social skills. Now you’re crammed in a bag sitting in a hallway, its dark and you can hear things around you. Maybe you shouldn’t have tried to express how you were feeling because the bad day just got so much worse and you know you have to come back tomorrow. Then you hear your mom coming down the hall and now you’re not sure if mom will be mad at you for being bad.  Completely confusing and painful to process in every way possible for a child and I would bet my own life it is never forgotten.

                These are the limits being placed on so many children unable to express themselves and when they do, they learn a disturbing lesson on moral ground and social handicaps that “normal” people are having so much trouble with. This is not lessons anyone should be learning and moral ground makes that pretty clear if a person has one to begin with.

                My son hasn’t started school yet and you could say it is one of my biggest fears yet with his autism. I can only pray we find a great system for him and people who have care for every child they encounter but for so many it's just not the case. This needs to change because duffel bags and broom closets should never be in the same sentence with children unless they are helping with chores or packing for Disneyland.

                 

Authority or Power? They are not the same...

                 No autism today because honestly things have been going so smooth along those lines I can’t think of one thing to write. That is a very good thing for us but not so good for my blog.

                Today I am writing about adults in a position of authority. When it comes to being in this position, especially when it comes to children, a parent needs to feel their child’s best interest is always top priority. Even if you don’t agree the actions have to send the message that the child is the common ground and what is best for them is the goal.

                My daughter had to have her DTap immunization to begin Junior High and we did that which led to some moderate side effects and she was not feeling her best when school began. I have never had to hand deliver an immunization record so that was something I had forgotten to do. I had spoken with the authority to let him know she was in fact immunized. Yesterday my daughter called me from school and told me I needed to deliver the record right that minute. I told her I couldn’t do it right at that very moment but I had other things to bring to the school so I would be there later in the day. That is when she became upset with me and told me she will be held out of class and made to sit in the office until I bring it in.

                My first thought was…are you kidding me? But she was not kidding me. My second thought was…why am I speaking to my daughter who is now in the principal’s office for the first time in her life about this issue? So I asked my daughter to hand the phone to an adult. I didn’t care which adult, just someone with an adult perspective and wise enough to send her back to class. The adult I was handing to was rude and stated she couldn’t go back to class without the record as it is state law. I explained I understood state law perfectly but she has been in school over a week and she needs to be in class. If there one thing no one should do is recite state law to a mother of an autistic child when it comes to immunizations. That part actually makes me giggle. At this point I was not happy at all with the tone I was given, the lack of respect, and the simple fact my daughter was being held out of class. I also assumed after speaking to this woman they would send her back to class because common sense tells you keeping her in the office is unjustified at this point.

                When I arrived at the school as soon as I could, and maybe a half hour later I saw my daughter sitting in the back of the office reading a book. You can only imagine at this point I had flames coming out of my ears. I walked into the office past the receptionist and told my daughter to go back to class, which she did gladly as I found out she had missed two classes already. Meaning she sat there much longer then I had even been made aware. I tossed the record onto the desk and decided at that moment I was not going to leave silent like they expected me to. I rarely speak up and I am always polite even when I don’t want to be but in this lifetime I know firsthand sometimes adults are just flat out wrong.

                I said to this woman, I don’t appreciate my daughter being punished for something I had forgotten to do. When I said it, no one looked at me but I did see her eyebrows go up as if she didn’t like what I had to say. I waited for a response and nothing so left quietly. When I arrived home the principle called me to notify me that I had been disrespectful and created an unsafe environment. Huh? Unsafe? I told him his tactic was wrong, I give the respect I am given and I understand the immunization was needed but to one day decide to yank my daughter out of class when in reality she shouldn’t have even began school if we are talking law, was just not ok. In the end of the long conversation and I can say we both made our point I was asked to show respect when I enter the building. I completely agreed as long as that was based on a mutual respect. Also agreed. He and I have always been on good terms and I don’t want that to change.

                The problem for me now is I don’t really have much respect for the authority anymore even though I really want to. My daughter’s education is supposed to be top priority and our common ground, but taking her out of class was not the message that was sent to me. The message I received was, do as we say or your daughter will pay. Really no other way to describe it.

                Sometimes adults are just flat out wrong and authority can be confused with power. In this case easy to deal with and no one was hurt or strongly affected but in many cases that mentality is a serious and dangerous problem. Speak up when your gut tells you to and make sure the actions match the intent, which should be positive intent when it comes to your child. School is a place to learn and be social. Yes kids need to respect the authority in life and so do adults but always pay attention to the difference between authority and power. They are not the same.

                Of course later that day to my surprise the receptionist from a different school called to notify me my oldest child and his friend, God love them both, had changed her bulletin board on the front of the school to read a dirty word. He’s 14…and 99% of the time very well behaved but this time the authority was not happy and we were on a common ground;)