Yesterday was full of way ups and way downs and all of us
were exhausted from it. I knew this was potentially going to happen after the first
appointment at the autism center. You wouldn’t think 3 hours of fun would throw
everything off in such a drastic way, but it does. Something that is difficult
for others to understand and the reason is the result of the changes happen at
home. Only we see what comes from his mind trying to keep up. I actually try to keep it that way if possible
for good reason. It is a exhausting and painful thing to see happen.
He woke
yesterday with a pretty intense energy level and I could see things were
building quickly to a hard day. We went to grandpas for a bit because he just
loves his grandparent’s house. He did excellent while we were there. Listened
to me while we walked around to the neighbor’s homes and he had plenty of room
to run and keep running. When it was time to leave he nearly brought me tears
of joy, the way up of the day. He grabbed grandpa’s shoes from the hallway and
placed them in front of his feet then stood in front of him waiting. It was
clear he intended to take his grandpa with him and considering he won’t
retrieve his own shoes, this was a very big deal. Grandpa put his shoes on as
he was heading outside anyway but what happened next blew my mind. Phillip
reached up to him to be held. Also doesn’t seem like a big deal but when you
are the only person he does this to, it is a very big deal and I was quietly
throwing a huge celebration party in my head! Maybe he didn’t want to leave or
maybe he wanted to take grandpa with him but why doesn’t matter as long as he
did it.
We left
way up and arrived home to meet the way down. We played in the garage for a bit
but when it came time to go into the house he completely lost his self control.
The meltdown began and it did not stop for hours. Typically I can place him in
the bedroom and it subsides but this one was not going to leave us so quickly.
Eventually he allowed me to remove his clothes and he frantically communicated
a desire to take a bath. I assume reaching for something to ease him but the
bath ended with making things even worse. You see his mind wanted ease but the
physical sensory overload was like a freight train collision. We had reached a
point I could not touch him at all or his meltdown grew much worse. Even though
I know better I tried because you still have that mom in you that wants to find
a way to end the struggle. Eventually he lay down on the floor and I had to
remain in the room without touching or speaking. If I tried to leave the room
it pulled the trigger all over again. Maybe the sound of me moving or even
sight of me moving caused a problem but part of it is his desire to feel better
and mom is needed. Not moms touch or talk just mom’s presence. I can’t speak
for every child with autism but I know when a down like this happens my son is
afraid. Whatever is happening that he cannot control on his own is draining and
frightening, physically and mentally.
Eventually
we both fell asleep and before I crashed with him I tried to move him onto the
bed, but he woke and went right back to the floor in the corner. He woke hours
later in a better place but I still had that fear it might surface again. I was
not afraid of him but afraid for him during all of this. It’s a process
educators and even people close to a child do not understand. I know the
routine change and sleep schedule was the main trigger so I knew this was a
possibility but many people do not understand with autism the smallest changes
can rock an entire world. They don’t understand being overwhelmed is not just
mental but physical as well. The mind can’t take one more ounce of processing
and the senses seem to go into complete overdrive. The mind crashes and all of
those senses that take in sound, smell, sight, and touch are can’t work to get
into the mind at an even flow. Patience is the only way out and understanding
what is happening can at least provide a bit of security. This is the process
that makes some people believe autistic children are bad but the reality of
this process is a child is in a battle with themselves. Imagine this feeling
and imagine you can’t explain it to anyone around you. Now imagine being
punished for it. Having control over our minds and senses is something we
forget to be grateful for as we go about life, until your autism parent that
is.
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