"Understanding" Valentine's Day...is it really that important?

               I wanted to write a blog today bout explaining Valentine’s Day to a child with Autism or fun ideas for the day so skimmed a few articles. What I found was articles that stated kids with autism don’t understand the relationship side of Valentine’s Day and that idea is foreign to them. I am not listing the articles because it was just a quick look at a few and my first thought was why do so many people assume this? The answer to that is easy and it’s because of the communication barriers with some children. Then I thought why would I even write about understanding the holiday in the first place?

                If we were to ask a verbal autistic adult if they understand Valentine’s Day I am sure we would find that they do and they completely understand it is related to relationships. In fact we would find many rounding up a gift for someone they love. Or wishing someone they love would surprise them with a Valentine’s Day gift.

                Just because an autistic child or non verbal adult doesn’t show an understanding of the Holiday doesn’t mean they don’t get it or want to be included in the fun. The thought that autism doesn’t understand love or that it is foreign is crazy. We might find some logic that Valentine’s Day is kind of silly considering there are 364 more other days completely worthy of celebrating love but we all know that and yes even autistics know that. In fact the logic of autism would make that concept even easier to understand. Children don’t always grasp the entire meaning of a holiday, autism or not, that understanding comes with time, age, and creating tradition. Yes, just like all kids learn.

                How am I approaching Valentine’s Day with my son? Just like I do with my older kids, with no thought to if he understands or not. All three will get something special and all three treated the same. I don’t do anything different in regard to my son and holidays other than put a tad more thought into a gift because it is harder to get him to engage in a present, it has to be something that grabs him and I don’t want to waste money on something that doesn’t.  That’s it! Maybe he won’t show an understanding, in fact I know he won’t but to assume he doesn’t is unfair and a bit strange to me no matter what day it is. The only way a tradition is understood is the simple fact it is a tradition in the first place.

                I personally don’t care much for Valentine’s Day and think it is too commercialized anymore. I remember when I was a kid and my mom would leave a nice card and a small chocolate heart on the table in the morning. As a very young child did I understand completely what Valentine’s Day was all about? No, all I knew was it was the day my mom gave us chocolate in the morning and that was not a typical day. It was a day something special happened and those were awesome days!  Did I read every Valentine I received at school? No, but I sure tore into the candy attached to it like it would be year before I saw it again.

                I think sometimes we think too much about making sure autism understands when really if we just approach it as a special day that is enough. None of my kids are going to be sitting down and considering the meaning of Valentine’s Day or pondering love for 24 hours. The older kids will be waiting for something a not so typical day brings and Phillip will be learning that concept so it becomes tradition. He knows love because he is little boy who was born with it and maybe he will get a chocolate heart (not for breakfast) to symbolize a not so typical day. In fact no he won’t get chocolate because I do want the day to be sugar rush free for my own selfish reasons but he will get something. Something that tells him today is different and that’s that. I am not worried one bit if he understands the meaning or history behind the day. After all he understands much more already than most people give him credit for. Approach the day like it’s just a bit different and have some fun because that is all it takes to establish the tradition of a holiday, even if the reaction is not what is expected. I don’t recall even ever telling my mom that I had no idea how much she loved me and how the card she spent time picking out moved me. I just remember thinking…Chocolate!

                On that note, I think 35 years later I need to say thank you mom! For letting us have chocolate first thing in the morning every year without fail. I didn’t care about the meaning of Valentine’s Day but I did know mom sure loved us making sure to establish the tradition and making sure it was not just a typical day. I love you mom and it has absolutely nothing to do with chocolate! It didn’t 30 years ago either, that was just a perk of the day I looked forward to every year.