One Of Hundreds Of Dandelions

   Autism and repetitive behaviors go hand in hand.  Repetition is a major part of our lives and used to almost hold us prisoner but over the years Phillip has been able to cope with changes more and more.  I couldn’t imagine three years ago a repetitive behavior would ever be something I loved and hoped would stay with us for a long time but that is the case now.

   When the dandelions began to bloom a few months ago a new behavior did too.  Each day, when we get home from Easter Seals, he asks if he can knock on the door and I go inside without him.  A few moments later he will ring the doorbell and I wait just a minute so he has time to run.  Once I open the door he is in his hiding spot barely peeking out to watch me.  I of course pretend to be confused because no one is there and each time find a tiny dandelion placed on the center of the door step.  I pick up the dandelion and make sure he sees I am surprised someone left a flower and shut the door.  He runs to the door and I open it to find him with a huge smile on his face because every day he feels he has tricked me once again.  I thank him for the flower and he walks in extremely happy with himself and happy he made me smile. 

   This sounds like just a little boy having fun and YES he is! It’s also mixed together with his repetitive nature because on days the dandelions aren’t blooming we still do this only he will improvise.  I might open the door to an orange soda, a toy, or one day last week it was one of his shoes.  It is something he absolutely has to do before he comes inside 98% of the time. The only thing that stops him is a heavy rain.

   Most of the time I try to help him get past a repeat behavior or eventually he changes things on his own and moves on to a new repeat. When the dandelions go away in the fall he won't be able to do this the way he is able to now.  With that on my mind, today I made sure to take a picture of that dandelion, one of hundreds of them.  I know one day he will just stop doing this and I also know one day he won’t be a little boy anymore and I will miss both of these things very much.

 

                                                                           

Forget Everything You Have Heard Or Read About Autism

   It's autism awareness month and some people wonder what they can do to help the cause.  When my son was first diagnosed three years ago people either vanished from life or wanted to help in any way they felt they could.  That meant articles being sent to me about autism, books about autism, tons of advice (mostly unhelpful) and people gave me a lot of information on resources.  All of these things where great and even if they didn't offer us anything, the show of support was extremely comforting.

   Three years later if someone asked me what can a person do to help someone with autism my answer would be, don't treat them like they have autism.  Forget everything you have read or heard about autism and treat them just like everyone else.  Don't wonder if they are able to read your emotions or if they understand you.  Don't worry about causing a meltdown or doing something wrong that might make things challenging.  Don't assume a child who is not talking isn't listening to every word you say and don't assume typical play won't make an impact or bring laughter and smiles. Don't let the word autism get in the way.

   One of most amazing things I have watched happen with my son over the past three years is the impact people can have when the word autism doesn't get in the way.  People who invite us places and treat him just like a typical boy, knowing if any adjustments need to be made I will handle it, have made a tremendous difference in his life.  People that play with him just like they would any one else even if he pulls away at first.  All of these people become his favorite people and that gives him the freedom to just be a little boy.  No therapy, special adjustments, or tricks to be around him.  Just people treating him like he isn't autistic and I know that sounds odd because he is autistic but he is also so much more.  There is no therapy, diet, special app, or autism related article that can make someone feel important and accepted.

   If you want to help the cause, treat people with autism like they are so much more than autism.  Include them, play, talk to them, know them on level we all like to be known.  People who matter and feel the same way we all do.  People who aren't disengaged or unable to absorb emotions  because they are fully engaged and very much in touch with emotions and it takes knowing someone beyond a diagnosis to really understand that. 

"Put It On Mommy"

    

I took my son for a short hike in the woods last week.  It was chilly out and sprinkling rain but it's one of his favorite things to do and now that we have reached a point in his progress we can leave the house all the time, we do it when we can.  I am a forgetful mom so halfway through the hike I realized he was only wearing a sweatshirt and I had left the coat he wears over it in the car so I took my own coat off and put it on him.

            He was distracted by everything as he always is and when it came time to walk to the car the last thing he wanted to do was leave.  He was refusing to walk in the direction of the car no matter what I said.  After giving him multiple reasons we needed to leave and he flat out refused to comply, I began walking towards the car without him.  I tried the old leaving without you tactic that works about 50% of the time and he decided that old trick wasn't going to change his mind.  He stood in one spot with moms coat on making it very clear he was staying in those woods with or without me and I was growing frustrated trying to think of something that would get him to just take one step in the direction of the car.

            We stood there, 30ft apart, and I sighed because here we go again.  The strong willed 6 year old and the tired out of effective tactics mom were in yet another face off for control.  I made typical mom threats to take away privileges the rest of the day unless he listened to me.  I even offered bribes like a Little Caesars Pizza because that always works when I use it but not that day!  Then I said to him “I really need you to listen because I am cold and want to leave.”  That statement changed everything and suddenly he quickly began walking in my direction.  While he was closing that 30ft gap between us he began to unzip my coat he was wearing and by the time he reached me he had taken it off.  Then he handed the coat to me and said “put it on mommy” and continued walking ahead of me towards the car refusing to take the coat back. He asked if I was okay by the time we reached the car and climbed in without any kind of argument.

            My son is six years old, he’s autistic, and didn’t care about losing or gaining privileges to motivate him.  The only thing that motivated him in that moment was his care for someone he loves.

Dear Other Mom...

   Dear Other Mom,

   I noticed you when you walked in to the waiting room.  You and your beautiful three kids, who look just like you, are put together perfectly and I can see in just a few short minutes how much pride you have in being a mom.  Your kids followed you in line and sat down right next to you without moving around to much, stayed so quiet, and listened to every word you said.  I can see you have worked hard at raising them and I am happy for you in so many ways because I get it.  It's the hardest job on earth to be a mom and success feels awesome.

   I can also see you staring at my son.  He's running around the room because an animated movie is on the TV which usually sends him into full blown meltdown and he's working terribly hard to manage that feeling.  Every time he runs across the room you look at him as though he lacks the ability to control himself and then you glance at me.  As though you are wondering if or when I will force him to sit still.  I see you watch him while he grows louder because the room is growing louder and that's how he reacts to noise levels, he's coping very well.  You glance at me again maybe wondering if I will force him to be quiet but you don't know that his noise level is a sign of stress. 

   A team of amazing people and myself have worked hard just to prepare him to have the ability to be in that room.  I can see you staring at him and I can see you don't notice I am staring at you.  This is typically the case and most of the time I like to think people just find him interesting. He's always using his imagination and could care less about who's watching.   I also know some are truly judging because they don't understand what they see happening.

   I watched him walk over to your child and try to start a conversation and my heart burst because three years ago he didn't have the ability to do that at all.  I love seeing this happen like I can't even explain. Then I watched your child look at you not knowing what to do and you discouraged interaction with him.  Now I am glancing at you wondering if you knew how hard he worked for that moment, would you have encouraged your child to be just a bit more social with him?  I can see how much pride you have in being a mom and it shows through your children.  I have that pride too and it shows through my child as well.  In different ways, on different levels, and with a different life.

Sincerely,
An Autism Mom