Ten things that are free and could help.

   There is a few things I have adapted into life with my son over the last two years that have helped him drastically to go easy through the days. These things don't always work of course because autism is an immense force and none of these things a parent can run out and buy to create an immediate fix or change. I will tell you now there is nothing someone can purchase or an apps a parent can download that will push back autism but there are ways to challenge it in daily life that take adjusting from the way we are taught to parent.

1. EASY does it. In other words it's okay to step back from pushing to hard. Charts and progress reports I see as good information to have but the only expectation I have is some type of progress no matter how little it may seem. It's never little.

2. PATIENCE is you and your child's best friend. Not the kind of patience most of us have but as my mother puts it "supernatural ability." The way I see it, my son is a constant mimic and repeats everything he sees but autism challenges him to control himself. As long as he sees the people around him utilize extreme patience, he mimics what he sees. No, not always but I will say his patience at 4 with an autism twist is impressive.

3. STAND YOUR GROUND. I can't count how many times people have told me what I need to do for my son. Some of the advice given to me over time has been fantastic but I know when I hear advice that is flat out not a good idea because I know him. Even trained educated professionals can give very bad advice based on what they know about autism but a parent knows habits, rituals, and the personality of their own child and that has always come first for us. To many parents become defeated by this and saying no is okay to do. Easy to forget when you are buried in paperwork with a multitude of people telling you what needs to happen all at the same time. Stop and focus on what you know could help and what you know will not. Sometime what will not work creates a storm that lasts much longer than the moment you tried it. If that happens and it will, start over.

4. NEVER compare. An child with autism is different with abilities that often the parent sees when others don't. When a child without autism is standing next to your child and the difference is clear, don't dwell on it. Number one reason when everyone goes home at the end of the day every single child challenges a parent in one way or another and every single child has abilities not everyone sees.

5. FILTER your life. If you find yourself surrounded by people who refuse to accept that autism cannot be fixed, surround yourself with different people. It's easy to forget that a child who cannot communicate well or seems to be in another world is listening to every word spoken. Those words matter.

6. SLOW ADJUSTMENTS are okay. Changing a habit is extremely difficult and changing one small step in the process over time has taught my son small changes are okay. We are still working on big ones but that is where the patience comes in. An example of how small of a change is a good one would be, on a good day having my son put socks on before his pants. That might sound irrelevant but for the way his mind holds habits, it is a big deal. It's not the change in the system that matters, what matters is it was done and he felt okay doing it. The key is to not get completely stuck in the new pattern switching it back from time to time has helped him recognize it's acceptable to do. These little changes happen all the time now and before I figured this out nothing changed, ever.

7. PRAISE is underestimated. There is almost no material reward my son will work for, other than a Tictac or a cookie.  An accomplishment means the world to him as long as it's followed with words of praise, a high five, and a ton of  "you're awesome!" Yes, he might do something for a cookie but the emotional response from others is much more valuable. Not to mention if he isn't hungry for a cookie he won't budge and every child is always hungry for smiles and praise.

8. No one is PERFECT. Forget what others expect and that I don't need to explain, just do it.

9. PAUSE. Many times when I ask my son to do something I pause and I wait. I might repeat it but I don't always have to. The typical reaction to a child not listening right away is frustration and that makes sense. You say it and expect it to be heard and reacted to right away but in this house that pause makes all the difference in the world for everyone, even siblings. When we pause the reaction comes most of the time. The pause relates to 1 and 2 above and I can't say it applies to other children but it has certainly saved us from numerous potential meltdowns and if that pause can help anyone avoid that, it's is important to add to the list.

10. FAILURE IS OKAY. One thing I know from trying to learn what helps my son is I will fail repeatedly and have but each time I discovered more about him and what not do to. Once it's done that is not totally a failure because it moves us forward even if we have to go a little backwards to make it happen.

   Ten things that could improve life we don't have to buy and they won't fix everything but they might have an impact that eases things. In the end these ten things don't just apply to raising a child with autism, they apply to raising a child in general because being a parent is not easy for anyone. In fact sometimes the hardest thing about being a parent is thinking we aren't good enough at it and that is when you see number 8 above.

  

It's easy to blame God

    I was raised in a Christian home with very strong faith in God. Every Sunday we went to church as a family and taught that God is in control of everything. His ill is the way and it's our job to trust his will which in many ways I still believe that theory but life events over the last 20 years or so have given me different ideas of the role God plays in life. If you don't believe in God in general than today's blog would be a waste of your time but give it a shot anyway because it's not a hard theory to understand.

   I used to face a hard event and grow angry with God for leading me to it. After all it's much easier to skip my own role in the process and point a finger directly at God for how my life unfolded at times. Looking back that seems a little silly to me now because my choices may have caused God himself to shake his head in frustration. Once I grasped my own actions I realized how much I ignored my role in hard times but could never ignore the strength I was given to get through them.

   Autism confused me as far as Gods will because I had no understanding of how God's will could be for a child to struggle so badly. Why would God pick on a child, was a question always in my head.  I hadn't made any bad choices and some might say the large amount of vaccines I allowed my son was a bad choice but it wasn't. It was me being a mom and wanting my son protected, judgment or blame would be ridiculous for doing what I felt was right for my child. Looking back I wouldn't have allowed it but I certainly can't say God led me to it. I can say the way the CDC has chosen to rush the process did and my faith in modern medicine signed the papers. I could have easily turned my back on the faith I was raised to have but that didn't make sense to me because the strength I was given to cope and accept the circumstances was and is something even I can't explain which I am totally comfortable blaming God for.

   I was given another dose of this when cancer took up residence in my healthy dad this year. Easily the most healthy person in our family. Not only healthy but a genuinely good person all the way through to a indescribable level. A lot of questions came from that, like how can this happen to someone so healthy and so needed in the world? Why would God do this to someone who has spent 67 years living right and just flat out treating others like they are all born as good as he is? A lot of people said to me, why him and Gods will has come up a lot. My mind has one answer to that and it's the same answer as autism, God didn't do it. Blaming God and bypassing all the things modern man produces that we know for a fact cause cancer seems a bit unfair. He didn't create the things we consume all our lives, we did. Example, I will probably start on a can of diet coke this afternoon and keep going. I know for a fact diet coke increases risk of cancer, yet I still drink it. I also know there is a trigger for autism that has not yet been discovered by science. I know my own personal opinion but it doesn't fit every story either and when that trigger is discovered I am almost positive no one will be able to point directly at God but ourselves and the choices made by mankind will most likely be very clear.
 
    I told someone earlier this year that when I pray, and I do pray, I never ask for what I want or ask why. I ask for strength to understand and get through it and that is a prayer that never goes unanswered. Along with the added bonus of finding tiny little miracles during extremely hard times that I can only blame on faith and being given the ability to see it. It can't be proven, only felt and that feeling is what tells me what is okay to blame on God and what is not. Maybe it's not about leading you to it and getting you through it but just getting you through it, that is felt and almost impossible to explain. For me the cool part about faith is it can't be explained and human nature craves proof and an explanation for everything. Consider how boring the word would be if we actually had that.