"That will get better as he gets older". Not always the case.

                There is a little something people say to me that echoes in my head. When someone says “that will get better as he gets older” it can get a bit repetitive in a not so great way. Yes, some things really do get better and have like speech and interaction. Humor has definitely taken a huge step forward and last night I woke up to my son laughing hysterically for whatever reason. I fell back to sleep to sound of his laughing and even my daughter in the other room could hear it. A truly awesome sound in every way that we didn’t always hear before, so it was a great moment until I fell back to sleep.

                Typically when someone says it will get better they are referring to certain behaviors that cause stress or challenges. As an example today I asked the kids if anyone wanted to go to the grocery store with us. They did not and even though I knew taking my son alone would be hard I tried it anyway with high hopes. All seemed to be going well until he decided to wander off. I said his name but the store was crowded with people and he could not gain that small amount of focus I need him to, just to hear me speak to him. I had to leave the cart and go after him which led to a three year old on the ground quickly slipping into meltdown. He throws himself down because he is already beginning to get overwhelmed and then I touch him.  By the time I was able to pick him up his arms and legs were flailing around and the screaming began. I left that cart in the middle of the produce isle with some items in it and just flat out had to leave the store. It took all of my strength to get him in the car seat and buckled in. Once he was in he calmed down and we drove home so he could stay with his brother and sister. It didn’t go anything like I had hoped and I knew pushing it was not in our best interest.

                This is when someone will say, “That will get better as he gets older” because typically it would with a child who may not have autism. What I know is as he gets older this gets harder in every way. He is bigger, stronger, louder, and now when he is overwhelmed he won’t just allow me to carry him. He is half my size so in reality I can’t do that all the time. With every 100 trips that I take him to a store maybe ten work in our favor and with time it has gotten much harder.

                He will learn to cope at some point but for now he is a child who doesn’t even understand what happens to him. I can’t just tell him he is ok or take a deep breath when this begins. He doesn’t have the ability to listen and calm down. When he was a baby he cried and we pushed on, easy to do and could blend in because a lot of little ones cry in stores. However not a lot of 3ft tall little boys are on the ground or hitting mom while she is grabbing a bundle of bananas. We do not blend in anymore at all and to be honest I like to buy bananas in peace if at all possible. 

                A child without autism can look around and see how people are behaving and mimic that easily. A mom can explain it easily and her words may take effect. Not always easily but easier than it does with my son. Phillip can also see how people are behaving and I can talk to him but the difference is when he is overwhelmed that feeling is much stronger than anything else. He becomes much more frustrated with his surroundings than I could ever be just trying to calm him. He heard me tell him we needed to behave and I have no doubt he would like to do exactly that but the lights hit, the people walk by, the smells hit, maybe a stranger tried to talk to him, there are bright colors and shapes everywhere, and maybe even music playing. He cannot turn all of that off like a child without autism child can. Anything I say or do just fades away until he can get away or find a way to let it all sink in.

                When we first began this journey I had a veteran autism mom tell me “I will be honest with you, it will not get easier. I wish I could tell you it will, but it won’t”. I couldn’t understand how that was true at the time but now I completely understand. What she meant was, some things will get easier but some things are going to continue to challenge you in new ways as you go. I told that veteran autism mom she was the only person to say that to me and everyone else would give encouragement that it would get easier. I actually appreciated her honesty even if she was wrong because she helped prepare me for some of the challenges that in fact have become more difficult as we go.

                Her words may not ring true for every child but for us in many ways it has. I am very grateful for the things that have gotten better because I know some parents aren’t able to say that and every day I focus on the great things that come our way. I do not focus on the challenges because the next one could be right around the corner and my own mind needs to be clear so I can do whatever possible when he isn’t able to clear his, even if it is just get him out of the building because sometimes that is really all that I can do.