We are coming up on a year since our son was diagnosed with
Autism. I can think back to even before that day to so many ways I have evolved
as a parent, person, and even my opinions and get a little overwhelmed myself
to all the changes. I began to learn about autism shortly after my son regressed
with that dang vaccine pile up he received even though it was never something
mentioned. I learned so much I knew nothing about and started awareness before
he was diagnosed. Maybe because I saw it coming and because I was blown away by
how clueless I was and the struggles people face.
At
first I felt I was raising awareness for others just because I cared or at
least that’s what I told myself while my son stopped talking and interacting. This
was my not us faze of the evolution and I was still trying to convince myself
he was going to just snap out of it like everyone was telling me. I could see
it and I knew it after, all why would I spend hours researching autism if a
part of me didn’t know the truth. I like to think I am a good person but lack
of sleep and anxiety wasn’t something I would have invited into my life if I
didn’t know I would be affected.
Then
came reality and knowing this was not just going away. The reality of taking
him to the doctor and bursting into tears when someone else finally said the
word autism to me. I had been carrying that word around in my mind for months
and it was now out in the open. That was when life kicked me in the gut hard
enough to get my full attention. Yet even then we held off on getting him
diagnosed and looking back I have no idea why we still tried to deny it. Just a
little more time is all he needs was the thought and what a silly one because
really we where wasting time hoping it would do us a favor. This was the Us but
Not Yet stage of the evolution.
Jump
forward to the diagnosis and we are now in the, ok it’s happened to use stage.
All the paperwork and new faces along with therapists put us in the mind set we
had an army of help for our son. Big sigh of relief that all these wonderful people
were going to help us move forward right? Not exactly because in all of that I
was slowly starting to question these people and if they really knew what they
were doing. The day came our always hours late advocate came over with visual
aids and a special education timer. That was also the day I explained to him I
was locked out of a speech therapy room only to be met with a nice
inspirational talk about how I am mourning my son. How I bought a ticket for Paris
and landed in Holland which is nice but not as nice. That was the evolution of
a mad mom. The day I got angry and wanted to ask why in hell he thinks I am not
in Paris because I didn’t agree. What I heard from that story was, you are disappointed
in your child and that literally pissed me off.
Now we
are in the nothing caused his autism, he was just born different stage and although
I know now that may not be completely true or have accepted it, at the time I
was desperate to hang on to that theory. Maybe because it’s a comfortable one
and it took any blame off of me for possibly doing something that pulled the trigger.
We are in Paris and the rest of you are in Holland missing all the awesome
sites was how I felt and still do to this day. That is one part of the
evolution that has not changed and never will. I was trying to convince myself
his difference was purely genetic even though there was no evidence of any
autism genetics to convince me of that. I even grew a little upset with other
people when they would mention causes or vaccines to me. That part is kind of
interesting because when someone mentioned vaccines to me I never spoke of the
6 he received that day but the image of it happening always flashed into my
mind. Denial at its finest is what I was going through but not complete denial
or I would have mentioned that day with pride.
I then
moved on to the wait just a dang minute faze of the evolution. No autism history
and although the two smart people get together and create autism theory was a nice
one, it was such an ignorant theory I couldn’t settle. We are now in the research
like a crazy person and discovery stage. I think looking back I hated this one
the most simply because I discovered so many things that are potential dangers
to our children and us in nearly everything we eat, touch, and breathe. I also discovered
just how entirely ignorant I was even if none of those things had anything to
do with autism. I started to think deeper about the rate of autism growing so quickly
and how that could possibly be happening so fast to so many. The theories I was
told were once again comfortable to hear like doctors being more aware or
simple genetics.
Question
everything phase and question it carefully until I felt I understood. More
aware doctors didn’t fly because autism isn’t something you can miss. A non
verbal child that won’t allow touch or eye contact is a hard thing to overlook.
If that’s the case and it was always around with doctors overlooking it then
what happened to all the autistics from the past who never received any help?
Did 1 in 88 just grow up and be fine without all the necessary treatments we
are told an autistic can’t live without? Where did they all go to if that’s the
case? If it is simple genetics or not so simple, why are so many of us carrying
these genetics and where did they come? Genetics is a hard thing to accept when
there is zero genetic history on either side of the gene pool. Genetics are clearly
involved but where are the genes coming from?
On to
the there is no answers and it’s time to move on from it all stage. This is
when I just knew the answers weren’t going to come in this lifetime and accepted
we would never find it no matter how autism came along. The evolution of
knowing all the answers to anything I question are right in front of me and as
a mother I can with confidence say he will be just fine and I am doing an
awesome job at making sure of that. I don’t read articles like I used to
looking for clues but now it’s just with interest. I don’t deny the vaccines
may have collided with his body in a bad way but I also don’t think vaccines are
a bad thing. I don’t think my son’s autism is purely genetic but at the same I know
genetics are involved. I won’t stop awareness because we know the numbers are
going up and all these kiddos need good programs and good recourses right along
with understanding. I m grateful for the evolution over the past year because no
one likes to be ignorant, especially me.
What I
am most grateful for is my son, my family, and that all those people who felt
we had landed in Holland instead of Paris didn’t get on the same plane we did.
Paris is one of the most interesting places to be and I can imagine Holland is
a bit disappointing for those who missed our trip to Paris. There is something new
and amazing around every corner. Maybe Paris isn’t what we expected but that’s simply
because we skipped the typical tour routes most people take and hit our
adventure without a map. Maps are created for those who want to follow, not
lead and Phillip is leading me everywhere we need to go to get the most out of
our adventure.
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