So you think you have it all figured out? Not yet you don't.

               There is something that happened to me when I realized my son was going to face a different life than expected, along with the rest of us. My mom meter jumped up and by that I mean I thought I had being a mom figured out for the most part but all of sudden I discovered I had to step it up a notch. The mom I already was wasn’t going to be enough in my head, I had to be better. Looking back on that feeling you could even say it was a necessary even without autism being part of the story, I just didn’t know it. My awareness of life and people in general changed.

                It’s a hard thing to explain but some things changed for me and many of those changes came from seeing things more clearly. I had to pay closer attention to life in general. The meaning of support changed and how people go about doing it. I was almost forced to take a harder look at the people around me and their actions because the pressure I already felt as a mom was and is a big challenge to wrestle with. I had a couple good friends who never wavered and even grew closer to me from this change. I call them my two Jan’s! One Jan was already a blessing in my life and remains that way. The other Jan was my neighbor who reached out to me and gave me nothing but support and friendship.  Both Jan’s carried me through and they may not even realize it. Then there were other people who just slowly faded away and it seemed by choice.

                Some of the little things in life that before I could push through weren’t so easy to push through anymore. Those negative forces that come into life and kick you from time to time weren’t acceptable on any level anymore. I also realized I had a lot of those forces that didn’t seem too bad before but they started to become huge burdens. I had to let them go because emotionally I couldn’t afford to spend time on things that hurt my spirit at all. You see when you spend day after day trying to understand your child and many of those days you might end up on the floor crying right next to them, you can’t take in those burdens as easily and process it all. Then get up the next day and be the very best you can for what’s coming next.

                I guess you could say his processing challenges started to make me see my own processing challenges. I was and still am trying to keep up with him on a daily basis and the outside issues that some people bring into life or even bring into your life by not being there, become too much. When you spend all day working to ease things, keep up with your other children and ensure they get the love they deserve, fending off the public, and discovering who really wants to be there for you things become very clear. You start to see how much energy you have given things that didn’t require it. You learn who truly cares to be a part of life in a healthy way. I learned some people gave us more support than I could ever have expected and some people gave much less.

                It’s interesting how something in life like an autism diagnosis can reveal a side of people you never knew was there, good and bad. Or maybe even you knew it was there and when life changed it just became easier to see. My eyes opened to the fact I was too far from my family and we needed them all along but it was time to do something about it. My eyes opened to how many people are really uncomfortable around a child who is different and will actually blame a mother, even people close to you. I learned when you’re not the parent who cuts loose on Friday night at the local bar; people fade out of your life, not a bad lesson by the way. I learned kids are the most understanding sometimes because before we moved every single kid that came to our home met Phillip with a huge smile and didn’t see his autism at all.

                The most important thing I have learned is life is too short and too awesome to spend on things that just steal your energy. I need all the physical and mental energy I have so I can put into being the mom I need to be. The mom I wish I would have known how to be 14 years ago when I first became one. I was never a bad mom but I truly didn’t know how much better of a mom I could be until I was forced to learn. It’s almost like when the reality hit, it was life saying to me, “so you think you have it all figured out? Not yet you don’t.” The simple word autism slapped me right across the face and I knew nothing. It’s on odd feeling to be pretty comfortable in your knowledge and one day life humbles the hell out of you because you just realized how ignorant you really are to the changes coming your way. Well played life! I have learned more in three years than I could have ever imagined learning in an entire lifetime and I know I will never have it all figured out, but at least I am seeing clear enough now to give it my best shot.