There are times in this autism journey I feel completely confident
in how well I know my son. No question I know what is going on when a different
behavior comes into play and I can explain it. There are other times on this journey
I am at a complete loss and truly question if I know what the hell I am doing.
I do, but at the same we have days I just don’t understand and I don’t think my
son does either.
For the
past week things have been hard and you could say everything has been
intensified for him. Absolutely no clothing which is sensory related, lights
being shut off until we are standing in total darkness, and taking a bath even
became a problem. He became sensitive to the sound of the bathwater running and
sensitive in a way shutting it off was a problem. After that the feel of the
water would get him and these are things that don’t bother him anymore, but
used to. He stopped trying to talk like he was and most of the sound he was making
was yells or loud sounds he just repeats. Are we in a regression? It appears to be with
no clue at all what caused it.
On the
other hand we woke up today and left the house early to head over to my parents
home for a bit. I was dreading the change simply because of what has been going
on but they are out of town and there dog needed to be cared for. His bath this
morning went fine and he was completely on board with leaving the house early.
He ran at my folk’s house and played in the van while I vacuumed it out without
the sound bothering him. He listened to me and didn’t protest when it was time
to leave. I decided to take him to Toys R Us after that as it’s on the way home
and even though that might sound like the worst idea in the world I saw it as
an open window to take him to a public place and try. He seemed to be doing
very well so far and I jump when I see this happening. It can only go good or
bad but it’s never going to go good if he isn’t given the chance.
Toys R
Us went great. He wandered of course and I had to repeat a lot but he didn’t
protest once and he left with me, not fighting me. He even reached up and held
my hand in the parking lot and that is a very rare event. I was so happy for
him we stopped for a cookie on the way home and I really could not stop telling
him how awesome he was. I might have gone a little overboard on that but can
you really hear how awesome you are too much…no. Notice I say happy for him instead
of proud of him because I am always proud of him but with autism and a success
I feel happy for him. Like he has won a battle that so often he comes away from
defeated.
My
point is today one of struggles with my son is when a week like this comes up
and I simply just don’t know why he has found himself stuck in sensory
overload. He can’t tell me how he feels and even if he could I don’t think it
would help either one of us to fix it. We haven’t done anything differently and
no strange food was given to him. It just simply happens from time to time and
I end up just trying to keep up with the sudden change. Sometimes all I can do
is be there even if it’s just in the same room, not touching him. A few times this
past week I have been on the floor at his level not within reaching distance,
just making sure he knows I am not leaving him and I am there. If that is all I
can do than I do it and hope tomorrow brings him peace. Today he seems to have
found that peace and I feel confident again that I understand but I can tell
you the days that throw us off leave me feeling as lost as he appears to be
with no words to explain. It’s just part of autism and It’s a part of autism that
I think both us would like to do without.
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