Today is a day the little man has decided lights and clothes
are to remain off. Most of the blinds are shut because the neighborhood cats
have decided watching my dog go into full blown sensory overload through the windows
is entertaining. I feel like I am in a isolation cave and fighting the urge to
bust out of the front door and run around the block just to get to feel free
for a bit. The reality of that thought is, I can’t run and would probably collapse
100ft from the front door.
This
brings me to accepting the reality of our situation and how that kicks me in
the rear at times. Not accepting autism, because I accepted that before we even
received a diagnosis, but accepting I have very little control of some things
and every once in a while I lie to myself thinking I can control a situation.
I
missed my niece’s baby shower over the weekend and for weeks I told myself I
would take Phillip along and all would be fine. Long drive and house full of
strangers is a terrible idea, especially when the day belongs to my niece and if
Phillip was to go into overload her day might have been stolen by what didn’t
need to happen. This reality didn’t hit me until the day after the shower and a
hard pill to swallow now that I live closer but there really are some things I
just can’t take him to and hope for the best. When I was hiding out on that mountain
in Montana I had a completely valid excuse for not being there but now that I
am around for certain events I have had to face a whole new reality at times. Even
though I know we would have been more than welcome and in a group of fantastic
people, in all fairness I know what potentially could have gone wrong.
There
are a lot of things I can take Phillip to and risk it, hope for the best and
many times he does excellent, but I also know that is not always how it will
go. Tomorrow he has a doctor’s appointment to get a prescription for ABA
therapy at the autism center and thrilled this is a step towards progress and I
can even say I am thrilled to go somewhere and speak to other humans. This is
the life that has been given to us.
We don’t
get to choose every aspect of our lives and challenges happen that are not
within our control. Autism is just one of those unexpected challenges I have
been given in this life and by far not the hardest. In fact I have learned and
been awakened by it in ways I needed to be. I see the detail in life like never
before and I am totally aware of everything around me in ways I never was. I
thought before autism that I had life pretty much figured out but I had no idea
how far off I really was. Now I am absorbing life differently and having to
teach my son to do the same, while he teaches me. Yes, I know that sounds
confusing but it makes more sense if you are living it. Even though I face some
hard realities I have been given the gift of some pretty awesome realities
along the way.
The
coolest thing about being a parent is you have no idea what to expect. Much of
the time we have no idea what we are doing but the reward when it works is
amazing. The moment I became a mom I knew I had a job to do that was bigger
than anything I had ever done and with each child that job grew even more
exciting and challenging! Yes I could run out of the door and collapse 100 ft
away because of my lack of ability to run but crawling back to what I love,
know, and understand would be easy to do. I didn’t choose it but I am damn lucky
enough to have it.
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