I Did It! I Am Normal! Or At Least How I Define it...

                The beginning process of autism is a very hard place to be. We all have those defining moments in life that stand out in our minds that we can literally remember every detail of. One of those moments for me was sitting in that room with four lovely specialists getting ready to hear what conclusion they came up with. Nothing on the walls, sitting in a little tiny chair with my ears ready to take it all in. Two things happened that day that will be with me forever, the word autism coming at me like a freight train and the looks on their faces when they said it to us. Also the squeeze in my chest from trying not to burst into tears, which I managed to keep in until we left the building.

                I see every day a new post in support groups of a parent who just went through this defining moment. With autism on the rise, these posts are common to see.

                A woman wrote yesterday about some of her new adventures and said her child was in group of kids all counting. Toddler age and many of them were counting to 20, but when it came to her child she managed to get to 3 and she could feel the looks on her and she fought back the tears. My thought was...she did it! She tried and even 3 is a huge success. I totally understand those tears and yes, when our children aren't up to the social standard we get the looks. Piercing looks.

               I used to look at the progress of kids my sons age and I would get sad, wishing he was at the same level so to speak.  I changed my thought process and now when I see kids his age, who are doing what society expects of them, I smile. I smile for the parents and the child because they aren't facing the challenges we do and I am happy for them.  They don't get those looks even if they are throwing them at me, I feel they have been blessed one way and we have been blessed another. I actually find myself celebrating that for them in my mind, because maybe they wouldn't be strong enough to face the challenges we do or maybe I am celebrating the fact they don't have to.

             Normal is a dirty word in my mind, and really it always had been. Autism has confirmed it for me. I have spent most of my life trying to be "normal" and that is one challenge I have never mastered. Why is that? Because we all define our very own normal. Trying to live up to every one's opinion of normal is impossible for anyone. For those who have success at it, I see a very difficult emotional breakdown in their future. We can't live every day to fit in or please others or in our case that would actually be impossible and I see that as a good thing most of the time.

            We all define ourselves and what our comfort level is; our children are doing the same thing with our comfort to guide them. Autism or not, you will never see an adult or children throw their hands up and yell...”I did it! I am normal!" although it's tempting to do this just once in a public place and watch the reactions. I don't see the people in the room gathering to congratulate me, but moving further away from the crazy person who thinks she just reached a place none of us get to.

Normal is a dirty word...create your own definition of it and use the word as little as possible.