A world I refuse to let him be alone in.

                  In these last few years I have learned I wasn’t living right and I don’t mean doing it all wrong, even though I could probably say that to, I mean taking it in wrong. Getting out of the house has new meaning and taking in the days is different now. I used to live like I was really going to grow old and I had plenty of time to pass things by and possibly notice later. Not so and my sons attention to detail and struggle with becoming overwhelmed woke me up.

                We are going on an adventure tomorrow to the city with my dad and I can tell you I feel like a little kid. I am excited to ride the ferry boat and excited to be in the chaos of the city for a bit. I am excited to do something I normally don’t get to do and really haven’t done in years. I literally can’t wait! The same reason I went to church yesterday with my mom, because if I didn’t I would miss an opportunity. Not just to do something I normally don’t do but to spend that time with my mom. I literally enjoyed every second of that moment in my life just because I was able to have it.

                I have been through a lot of different difficult events in life and I can look back on them and think they should have woken me up sooner. I have literally had things happen to me I am very lucky to have walked away from alive and still I didn’t take in life right. I just kept going the very same way I was before that experience. I went through a custody experience with my older kids that literally made me hate life and I overcame it, we all did. I have rolled a car off the side of a mountain fracturing my face, landing upside down and walked away. I have been attacked by a mad man in my own home and overcame my fear with time. I could really name a few more events that should have changed my views on life quickly but those three stand out in my mind. I woke up a bit with these things and found strength to move forward but I can’t say any of them forced me to really see life how I needed to.

                I have also had awesome life events that should have changed my views on everyday life and they did for a time. The gift of my kids, each one is impossible to even put into words it’s so awesome. I have endless blessings and miracles granted in my life. I had the love of my life which many people never find and I was granted the most amazing family right from the start of my life with the gift of being adopted, a gift that also led me to another amazing family I am blessed to be a part of. Again I could go on and on with struggles and miracles given to me but I still couldn’t see life how I needed to.

                The day I was told one of my children would struggle every day just taking in the smallest details I had taken advantage of my entire life finally woke me up. Everyone faces challenges in life and difficulties come no matter what but when you are told things as small as a bright light or a loud noise will be one of those difficulties it truly humbles you in a way you never expected. A crowd, a movement, a large room full of objects, the wind blowing, the feel of rain, the tone of someone’s voice or how tall they are, the feel of clothing, and even the smell in the air is a challenge and I had spent an entire lifetime not even noticing these things. The things I had never even noticed in all of my struggles and miracles are a huge element in my son’s life. I don’t go a day without noticing these things anymore and I literally take in life like every element matters. I get excited over things most adults might not and not just because I am isolated at home a lot, although that does makes a difference to, because the word autism forced me to notice. I am not grateful my son struggles with these things and I wish he didn’t have to but I am grateful that I am not going through life missing them anymore.

                The things I thought were huge challenges were not so huge and I don’t look for big miracles anymore because I now see the little ones that matter just as much or more.  I try to take in life the same way he does when he fights back, like that moment matters because the smallest thing matters much more than I ever understood in all the years I was not even close to paying attention or appreciating how easy the days really were for me. I finally woke up and if I hadn’t I would never have been able to understand his world. A world I refuse to let him be alone in.