I had a very vivid dream last night and woke up in the
AM trying to figure out if my dream was real or not. One of those, it takes a
moment to find reality kind of wake ups. I typically do not remember my dreams
and that is a good thing because I have been inflicted with nightmares for the
last fifteen years. If I remember a dream it’s because I am still a bit
traumatized by it but last night’s dream was far from a nightmare. In that dream my son looked at me and said “mommy,
I love you.” He said it clear and looked at me when he said it with a smile and
when I woke up I was still feeling excited. Once I realized I was still half
asleep all I wanted to do was go back and hear it one more time. Not possible
of course but luckily I remember it so well it’s replaying in my mind for now.
I know
100% my son loves me beyond what I even know I am sure but like many parents I
just don’t hear it. He has said it but it’s a repeat meaning I say one word and
then he repeats it and this is one word at a time slowly and it’s very hard for
him to get out. I am used to lack of verbal communication and I have learned to
read him without talk but that does not mean I wouldn’t give the world to hear
him speak one phrase no matter what he would say. Not just to hear it but to
allow him to push it out and see that part of his personality I can’t hear. I
make a very big effort to not dwell on the I wish he would part of life because
what he will do is not the same. It’s not fair to him to expect what he cannot
do. I have listened to people say what they wish he would do and it made me
angry so I can’t imagine what that might feel like for him to hear. Dad always
wished he would get excited to see him after a long trip to Alaska but Phillip
was unable to express that, not his fault, but people tend to forget what
really matters sometimes. Expectations that cannot be reached are a killer for all
of us in one way or another.
What he
does it enough and it’s hard for him every single day. Yesterday in the van on the
way to the beach a song played on the radio and I glanced back in the rearview
mirror. His eyes perked up and he slowly moved his head a bit. When we all
started smiling at him he moved his head just a bit more and then really
started to get into the song with all of us cheering him on. It was the first
time he physically showed a response to music without being shown what to do
and it was huge! I see how much effort it takes him to do something like this
because it doesn’t just come out. He literally is pulling it out with everything
he has which is why it won’t happen again soon, it is work and it’s hard work.
Moving his head to a song without being shown how sounds so very simple but if
it were simple for him it would not have taken this long to do it.
Expectation and belief are two very different
things and I never expect anything from my son but I do believe every day he
can and he will with enough time and patience. I believe he will one day be
able to say “mommy, I love you” but I also believe it’s going to take a very
long time, possibly years for him to get that out as I heard it in my dream
last night. He will have to work very hard to do it and when he does it will be
a moment I won’t be able to explain no matter how hard I try but believing in
him is the most important thing to get him there. For now I need to process the
fact Whistle by Flo Rida is the song that inspired my son to show his car seat
dance abilities and that is something I did not expect.
No comments:
Post a Comment