Are you a broken parent?

                In all the awesome things autism brings to our lives and there really are countless things I appreciate about the difference, there are also little things that in all honesty can be a weight on my heart. My son is reaching three and I guess you could say his autism is much more clear now when we are out an about. It used to be it was a temper tantrum that made the autism shine through, but now you really can see it when he is just being himself. The wandering never stops, the distractions are constant, and not speaking is a bigger issue now at his age.  

                Nearly every day I see things that make me wonder if parents realize how privileged they are and if they really truly appreciate it. I think many parents with an autistic child see these same things everywhere they go. A little girl the same age as my son runs up to her mom and expresses what she wants by saying it and mom isn’t listening. Maybe I see a family in a grocery store and they have a toddler who is sitting in the cart enjoying the ride. I will see a mom or dad walking and their child is walking behind them and I notice they don’t even have to turn around to make sure they are still there. The smallest privileges that I know they don’t appreciate as much as they should. If a toddler is thirsty or hungry they tell you but I have to constantly offer a drink and food or distractions will prevent him from doing it. He doesn’t understand personal space so I am always there to guide him and following me is a rare treat.

                All of these things I accept and I have adjusted to because he is my son and I love him with every fiber of my being. I will do what I need to do for him every day of my life when I am needed and that is a natural instinct. I appreciate the small moments of celebration when he expresses himself or stays calm in an overwhelming situation.  So what weighs on my heart from time to time? I have never heard my son say I love you. I know he does because he shows it all the time. He is very loving with his hugs and kisses and I see the love he has for all of us. The fact that he can’t say it is hard for me because I think he wishes he could say it back to us. Many things I know he wishes he could say but as much as I want to hear it I can‘t imagine what it is like to be unable to say it.

                I am not an autism parent looking for pity over this. I am an autism parent sending a message to any parent who hears I love you from their child. When you hear it, feel it like it’s the last thing you will ever hear. Say it back like it’s the last chance you will have to say it because it is a privilege. So many things that are going on around you that are reasons to celebrate and be grateful for every second with your child, and it could be you’re missing it. Autism parents mention all the time the things they see and wonder if the parent appreciates what they have. People might think with a child who has autism that we feel sorry for ourselves or are broken but to me broken is being unable to really take in what is right in front of you. I see broken parents all the time and I can say most of them do not have an autistic child.  On that note I need to sign off because there is a little boy standing in front of me and he has I love you written all over his face.