What is the greatest challenge autism creates for my son, and really the whole family? It's not speech, not meltdowns, absolutely no self harm or harm to us, and not his eating habits. His greatest challenge is simply calming himself down in a new or busy environment. Doesn't sound like much of a challenge but it certainly is and it truly affects all of us regularly. The reason I consider it the biggest challenge is because I cannot do anything to help him.
Yesterday we set out to buy new shoes with two places I intended to stop and look. If those two places didn't have what we needed then we call it a day and try again another time. I also had to pay attention to my sons behavior before deciding to make this quick and what should be easy outing. If he seemed high strung or easily frustrated it was out of the question but all seemed well and he wanted to leave the house. The problem begins as soon as we walk into the doors of a building and right now it's back to school time so a building full of fast moving people. Immediately his mind and body kick into hyper drive and his senses crash into each other.
Physically he cannot slow down and begins to race all over the place, runs into people, and has not one idea of the dangers of running away from me. Mentally, processing delays begin and he no longer processes my voice. I can say his name 5 times and he will not respond unless I find a different way to get his attention. I know I have to get right in front of him to do it so I can at least grab his eyes if not his ears. Lately he becomes so hyper that eventually he will just lay down on the ground for a reboot and that actually gives me an opportunity to get his attention. Most parents do not want their child laying on the floor in a department store, grocery store, etc. but I personally see this as opportunity to get a hold of his mind. In fact yesterday at Ross after making it impossible to actually look for shoes to buy for him, the only way I was able to peacefully leave the store with him was the moment he laid down on the floor. Then he was still for a moment and I could quietly speak to him with a positive response. I was grateful he stopped moving no matter what people walking by staring at us felt about the situation.
This hyper overdrive has grown to be a bigger challenge in the last month or so and taking my son anywhere that might trigger this is not fun. It's extremely hard to manage this and when you consider how many places can cause this, options become limited, extremely limited. Most of the family fun events offered in the community are a nightmare situation for him. Created for family fun but has the exact opposite impact. We still try but leave completely mentally exhausted from trying to help him get through. Even events created with autism families in mind are to much for him to take in at this point and at times it's frustrating. Frustrating to explain to others and frustrating to accept at the same time.
I can help my son eat and stay healthy even with an extremely picky appetite. I can help him use words to communicate and I can help him work through a meltdown by leaving him alone but I cannot turn the world down. It's something with time he will have to learn to manage himself because the world can never be turned down to accommodate him or any of us. It has a huge impact on his behavior and it is a daily struggle. I don't avoid situations to hinder my son as some may think, I avoid because the situation will hinder him and I have at times even left feeling bad I forced him to be there in the first place.
I was told not to long ago "Your to meticulous, and you need to let him just be a kid." A comment that made my heart sink because from the outside looking in I suppose that is what appears to be happening. From the inside looking out, the only thing I want for him in the whole world is to just be able to be a kid but autism forces meticulous. Meticulous brings him safety, comfort, and the ability to relax at times in a world that won't turn down. The definition of meticulous is extreme attention to detail and I could easily sum up autism the very same way, and it's a forced way of life so he can have those moments of just being a kid.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
A closer look at One Pissed Off Mother
Number one her greeting, "to the lady who lives at this address" she has not one clue who she is writing to, not one. Or if she does she doesn't know a first name therefor she knows nothing about how this person feels day in and day out. The greeting alone makes everything else she states meaningless. One pissed off mother has the time to get mad, throw some purple paper in the printer, and write a stranger a letter about her feelings. Clearly her feelings are top priority over "lady who lives at this address" and time is something she can waste. A privilege most people don't have or chose not to.
We move on to her noise complaint. I think she may have some sensory issues of her own because she seems to be much more affected by it than she should be. Might be a good idea for her to address her super hearing that cannot seem to turn down the world around her. Suburbia is not quiet or even close to it and for her own personal peace, she might want to consider a move to the country herself. A park to take the boy to and let him make noise is her recommendation so not to kick her sensory difference into high gear. A wonderful idea....if he was a dog. He is a boy who can't control his body but I bet he has more control in his mind than one pissed off mother does. Physically he struggles while her struggles seem mental. I think some fresh air and daily trips to the park would do her some good to regroup and protect the neighbors from her lack of self control.
The special needs parent comment, she seems to feel angry with people who she feels might be getting an extra dose of help, perhaps this is a cry for help of her own. Her desire to have a special needs parent cater to her overwhelmed and intolerant state of being is clearly a show that her silent children are very hard for her and she needs others to adjust. I think a special needs parent might be exactly the type of friend she needs to overcome this state of mind and to learn the world doesn't adjust for you no matter how badly you desire it.
Last but not least her suggestion to euthanize this young man might suggest she is a distant relative of Hitler and on top off all of her other struggles, sensory issues, to much time on her hands, lack of peace and serenity, in need of extra help in the parenting department, extreme focus on her own feelings, a communication handicap, and a anger management course or two, I think she might be a Nazi.
This letter seems to a cry for help but don't worry One Pissed Off Mother they are coming for you! Some advice from a special needs parent who chose to live in suburbia with my autistic son, it's going to get worse before it gets better but good people will reach out to you and help you if you ask. I think we all now know someone who could have helped you work through your intolerant state of mind. "The lady who lives at this address" has learned to tolerate and find peace in ways you might never understand. This ignorant purple mess of a letter is one irrelevant dose of just how much intolerance she deals with and the strength she has shown is to be commended and that goes way beyond words on a paper from the neighborhood Nazi.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
18 things I wish they would have told me!
Getting an autism diagnosis is an emotional process and for someone who knows little about autism it can be scary. You go from being the person who knows your child better than anyone to the person who is being told in every direction what you need to do for your child no matter what you know. I remember feeling at the time like an autism diagnosis meant they all knew him better than me, and that was just simply not true. I had filled out endless paperwork, watched his skills be put to the test, listened to strangers tell me his faults and how much he lacked to keep up with kids his age. I had strangers coming into my home telling me what to do with my own child based on his difference and yes they were there to help but I think back to that time and there are some things I wish someone would have said to me. Things not taught to specialists or part of a autism training program for advocates. So today I am going to list the things I wish I would have been told during the process because they truly have affected life since and it matters to someone going through the diagnosis process.
1. It's not the end of the world! It is however the end of the world you knew and you have already been introduced to it. Now you have been given a label for it and that comes with instructions. Even then, the instructions won't always work so don't get frustrated when it doesn't apply to your child. Do what works and it might take time to figure that out.
2. If you think you are a patient person, you are going to need to learn a level of patience you had no idea you were capable of. It is about to become a superpower and it's necessary.
3. People might blame you, people you never thought would and your about to learn who is strong enough and who is not and the clarity might shock you.
4. Not everything is a side effect of autism. Pay attention some things will seem to intensify autism but many doctors will treat you as though autism caused it. Research is about to become your late night hobby for a while. Gut flora, look it up because a probiotic is going to bring your child a ton of relief.
5. Your never going to find a cause, at least not one particular one and no matter what you think caused it in your child's life it will be different for everyone. Respect that and carry on.
6. You are going to learn more about food than you ever thought you would and your also going to throw a lot of it away. Your entire perspective on food is going to change because much of the food you have been eating most of your life is toxic. Get ready, your going to fear food for a while until you learn what's good and what's not. On the other hand you might give your child cake for dinner if that's all that will be accepted that day.
7. Your social life....don't get your hopes up. It was limited before and since some people will shy away from an autism diagnosis and stop helping you, it might get even more limited for a while.
8. Eventually you meet an a lot of people who understand and offer you enormous support. 99% of those people will live in your computer. It will be the one time in your life you are eternally grateful the internet was invented.
9. If your child reacts badly to a therapy or therapist immediately, follow your instinct and not the demands of the people who want your insurance card before your opinion or input.
10. Listen to yourself talk. Your child hears everything you say and understands it. Treat your child exactly that way even if it just doesn't seem that way most days. Look up Carly Fleischmann and she will show you this.
11. Your child might not be an all star baseball player or be the quarterback on his high school football team. Dad thinks about this more than you and moms and dads have different concerns. It might seem silly but every concern matters and needs to run it's course with understanding.
12. Potty training....see number 2 (on the this list) it's not going to happen in a toilet as easy as you would like it to. You can try to force it but I wouldn't recommend that or it may take even longer.
13. Your child is going to surprise you over and over again. Be ready for those moments you were told might not happen because they might. Expect it over time even if it's the smallest moment to another, it will not feel small to you!
14. No one knew your child as well as you before the autism diagnosis and after the diagnosis that does not change. In fact you might notice just how aware you are and your child will cling to you as though you are what eases the world. It's OK to step away when you are given the chance because you are important! You will forget that from time to time.
15. Not every behavior is autism related. Lately when my child goes outside to play he rushes to the kitchen to grab a cucumber. He will not go outside without one beginning 4 days ago. Is he displaying odd behavior? Yes, and it may just be he is preparing to battle pirates and a cucumber is his weapon of choice. He is a child before he is autism.
16. Do not compare your life with anyone else's. That parent at the grocery store with a child who is totally compliant and sitting perfectly in a cart? There is more to that parents life than that moment. They have thier moments and you have yours, remember that.
17. Purchase comfortable shoes. Your going to be moving a lot. Your feet and your mind are not going to get very much rest!
18. I was trying to get to 20 with this but 18 will have to end it. So, last but not least keep this in mind every day when it gets hard. No parent has ever given birth, held a new life in their arms and said "This is going to be so easy. I know exactly what to expect and it's all going to go my way!"
1. It's not the end of the world! It is however the end of the world you knew and you have already been introduced to it. Now you have been given a label for it and that comes with instructions. Even then, the instructions won't always work so don't get frustrated when it doesn't apply to your child. Do what works and it might take time to figure that out.
2. If you think you are a patient person, you are going to need to learn a level of patience you had no idea you were capable of. It is about to become a superpower and it's necessary.
3. People might blame you, people you never thought would and your about to learn who is strong enough and who is not and the clarity might shock you.
4. Not everything is a side effect of autism. Pay attention some things will seem to intensify autism but many doctors will treat you as though autism caused it. Research is about to become your late night hobby for a while. Gut flora, look it up because a probiotic is going to bring your child a ton of relief.
5. Your never going to find a cause, at least not one particular one and no matter what you think caused it in your child's life it will be different for everyone. Respect that and carry on.
6. You are going to learn more about food than you ever thought you would and your also going to throw a lot of it away. Your entire perspective on food is going to change because much of the food you have been eating most of your life is toxic. Get ready, your going to fear food for a while until you learn what's good and what's not. On the other hand you might give your child cake for dinner if that's all that will be accepted that day.
7. Your social life....don't get your hopes up. It was limited before and since some people will shy away from an autism diagnosis and stop helping you, it might get even more limited for a while.
8. Eventually you meet an a lot of people who understand and offer you enormous support. 99% of those people will live in your computer. It will be the one time in your life you are eternally grateful the internet was invented.
9. If your child reacts badly to a therapy or therapist immediately, follow your instinct and not the demands of the people who want your insurance card before your opinion or input.
10. Listen to yourself talk. Your child hears everything you say and understands it. Treat your child exactly that way even if it just doesn't seem that way most days. Look up Carly Fleischmann and she will show you this.
11. Your child might not be an all star baseball player or be the quarterback on his high school football team. Dad thinks about this more than you and moms and dads have different concerns. It might seem silly but every concern matters and needs to run it's course with understanding.
12. Potty training....see number 2 (on the this list) it's not going to happen in a toilet as easy as you would like it to. You can try to force it but I wouldn't recommend that or it may take even longer.
13. Your child is going to surprise you over and over again. Be ready for those moments you were told might not happen because they might. Expect it over time even if it's the smallest moment to another, it will not feel small to you!
14. No one knew your child as well as you before the autism diagnosis and after the diagnosis that does not change. In fact you might notice just how aware you are and your child will cling to you as though you are what eases the world. It's OK to step away when you are given the chance because you are important! You will forget that from time to time.
15. Not every behavior is autism related. Lately when my child goes outside to play he rushes to the kitchen to grab a cucumber. He will not go outside without one beginning 4 days ago. Is he displaying odd behavior? Yes, and it may just be he is preparing to battle pirates and a cucumber is his weapon of choice. He is a child before he is autism.
16. Do not compare your life with anyone else's. That parent at the grocery store with a child who is totally compliant and sitting perfectly in a cart? There is more to that parents life than that moment. They have thier moments and you have yours, remember that.
17. Purchase comfortable shoes. Your going to be moving a lot. Your feet and your mind are not going to get very much rest!
18. I was trying to get to 20 with this but 18 will have to end it. So, last but not least keep this in mind every day when it gets hard. No parent has ever given birth, held a new life in their arms and said "This is going to be so easy. I know exactly what to expect and it's all going to go my way!"
Thursday, August 15, 2013
The Process of Life
The last few months have been a challenge and not in regard to autism. I can actually say autism and my sons difference has been the very least of the challenges that have been knockin me around a bit. Life challenges because it seems even if you live an extremely isolated and anti social life you can't avoid it. It is just part of the life ride and it goes up and comes back down, the good part is eventually it goes back up again. I stepped back from raising awareness and couldn't seem to find an ounce a desire to blog. Basically I was drained and trying like to hell to figure it all out.
A few months ago I made the decision to end my relationship with my sons father and it was a decision I hated to make. Somewhat forced to do for my own sense of self worth and sanity and even then found myself wondering if I had made a mistake a time or two. Even when you know what you have to do it's easy to question it. It's a change and big changes are hard to make. Unfortunately that decision also led to my son not having his father in his life at all. Not fair for my son but people do as they please in this world and my idea of a dad has an extremely high standard attached to it, which brings me to the next life challenge.
Recently my own dad was struggling to swallow his food. Started as an annoyance for him and then that annoyance became a bit concerning. Quickly diagnosed with stage 3 esophageal cancer. A shocking blow for our entire family for a couple of reason. My dad is an extremely healthy man who just a few weeks ago participated in The Courage Classic charity bike ride in Colorado. An event he does every year with my uncle, 130 miles in 3 days through the mountains and they both finished the ride together. My dad does not fit into the risk factors for this cancer other than being a male over 60. Our family has also been very lucky over time avoiding any situation that truly leaves all of us a bit shaken and confused. Our family as a whole has been extremely blessed and even through this difficult time I will say we are still blessed. Odd to say after a cancer diagnosis but I don't see any way any of us, especially my mom and dad, will go through this event without complete support and love. That is blessed and his great health is also a huge blessing to fight the battle that is about to begin.
I think often we get so comfortable in life, ok not me, but it is easy to just wake up in the morning and feel complete security that the day is going to be just another day. I have experienced some things in life, autism being one, that consistently remind me none of us are in control. Or at least as in control as we think we are and would like to be. Things in life are going to happen. We won't see it coming, it can rattle your cage, confuse you, leave you feeling helpless, and sometimes it just flat out won't make sense. I know with autism I have beatin the crap out of my brain trying to figure out why my little boy was changed, why did God let my son face autism. Why did God let cancer attack my dad and really my whole family. Along with a few other things in life I have asked God why in a very unpleasant tone and some very bad words. I am human he understands and I have also gotten very pissed off a few times over circumstances that haven't made sense. I have also learned over time when I have gotten angry at God and asked why, the answer typically comes. Eventually you find out why and you are supposed to use the answer in your own life in some way that impacts another life.
Some of you may role your eyes at that thought or the thought of God in general and that's fine, I don't judge anyone for that and would expect the same respect. I only know what I have learned and everything out of my control that I have asked why has played a role in one way or another. Good or bad the why always gets answered. I don't know for sure how autism is going to affect my sons life and I don't know for sure how cancer will affect my dads but I know the answers will come and life is a process. A process we don't always understand and we just have know we are all going to be ok, making large or small impacts on each other. You don't have to believe in God like I do to know this is how life works. All of us are walking around in a state of confusion at times looking for answers to why. The answers come almost always, now go live your day! You don't have to move mountains, just impact someone else and keep in mind you might not even be aware when it happens. We accidently impact each other all the time, it's the process of life.
A few months ago I made the decision to end my relationship with my sons father and it was a decision I hated to make. Somewhat forced to do for my own sense of self worth and sanity and even then found myself wondering if I had made a mistake a time or two. Even when you know what you have to do it's easy to question it. It's a change and big changes are hard to make. Unfortunately that decision also led to my son not having his father in his life at all. Not fair for my son but people do as they please in this world and my idea of a dad has an extremely high standard attached to it, which brings me to the next life challenge.
Recently my own dad was struggling to swallow his food. Started as an annoyance for him and then that annoyance became a bit concerning. Quickly diagnosed with stage 3 esophageal cancer. A shocking blow for our entire family for a couple of reason. My dad is an extremely healthy man who just a few weeks ago participated in The Courage Classic charity bike ride in Colorado. An event he does every year with my uncle, 130 miles in 3 days through the mountains and they both finished the ride together. My dad does not fit into the risk factors for this cancer other than being a male over 60. Our family has also been very lucky over time avoiding any situation that truly leaves all of us a bit shaken and confused. Our family as a whole has been extremely blessed and even through this difficult time I will say we are still blessed. Odd to say after a cancer diagnosis but I don't see any way any of us, especially my mom and dad, will go through this event without complete support and love. That is blessed and his great health is also a huge blessing to fight the battle that is about to begin.
I think often we get so comfortable in life, ok not me, but it is easy to just wake up in the morning and feel complete security that the day is going to be just another day. I have experienced some things in life, autism being one, that consistently remind me none of us are in control. Or at least as in control as we think we are and would like to be. Things in life are going to happen. We won't see it coming, it can rattle your cage, confuse you, leave you feeling helpless, and sometimes it just flat out won't make sense. I know with autism I have beatin the crap out of my brain trying to figure out why my little boy was changed, why did God let my son face autism. Why did God let cancer attack my dad and really my whole family. Along with a few other things in life I have asked God why in a very unpleasant tone and some very bad words. I am human he understands and I have also gotten very pissed off a few times over circumstances that haven't made sense. I have also learned over time when I have gotten angry at God and asked why, the answer typically comes. Eventually you find out why and you are supposed to use the answer in your own life in some way that impacts another life.
Some of you may role your eyes at that thought or the thought of God in general and that's fine, I don't judge anyone for that and would expect the same respect. I only know what I have learned and everything out of my control that I have asked why has played a role in one way or another. Good or bad the why always gets answered. I don't know for sure how autism is going to affect my sons life and I don't know for sure how cancer will affect my dads but I know the answers will come and life is a process. A process we don't always understand and we just have know we are all going to be ok, making large or small impacts on each other. You don't have to believe in God like I do to know this is how life works. All of us are walking around in a state of confusion at times looking for answers to why. The answers come almost always, now go live your day! You don't have to move mountains, just impact someone else and keep in mind you might not even be aware when it happens. We accidently impact each other all the time, it's the process of life.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Don't You Smile!
If you are a new reader I have three children. My youngest, who is 3, is my son with autism and my two older kids are 13 and almost 15. When my older kids were little we played a game regularly and it went something like this, if one of them was upset I would demand they not smile. Loose a toy, bad day, tired, whatever the case was I would just sternly say "don't you dare smile!" I might have had to say this a few times but eventually they would break and that smile would grab them. It was actually one of my favorite things to do with them because children cannot resist the smile no matter how bad the day is. The fight to not smile would always end up being to much and they would loose the battle. A pretty common game to play with your kids and typically ends very well no matter what the situation may be.
So many times with my youngest I have wanted to play this game and I can tell you I have tried multiple times. Only to have it end with me feeling foolish because he in fact is not going to smile. Or I have wondered if he has even understood what I was trying to do. I would say it with enthusiasm and get a blank look and then maybe try again the next day. Eventually I began to wonder if he would ever be able to understand that game at all, after all I was telling him NOT to smile. Would he ever understand the that my intention was to create a smile or would it always be a blank look? Did he possibly think I really didn't want him to smile, or was autism just not allowing him to understand the game?
Recently I got my answer to that and a very large dose of hope and joy for him. Just a few days ago we were in the van and he was very serious as usual. I glanced at him in the rear view mirror and could see a stern look on his face so once again I said it "don't you smile Phillip" expecting the very same reaction I had received over and over again for over a year. That is when I saw his cheek move and his eyes shift toward me. So, of course I said it again with even more enthusiasm because I saw a possibility of a reaction and to my surprise a giant smile took over his face! A dangerous moment to be driving by the way because I did not want to miss one second of his reaction. I had waited way to long for it and never expected it to come any time soon. Just asking him to smile has been a challenge we have never overcome, until now. He has not purposely smiled for pictures or on command since autism. Before autism he was full of smiles but after autism something had to be funny and if it wasn't funny a smile would not just come to him. Most people can smile when told or at each other out of friendliness. We smile all the time even of there is not major motivation attached or at least we try to but he has not been able to do this.
We have continued to play this game and not only does he react just as he did that day but he now tells me "don't you smile" when I am not smiling. I wish I could ask him if he knew all along what I was doing and if the world was just to busy to understand. I wish I could ask him what changed that day to create the smile I told him not to put on his face and what gave him the ability to open up his mind and let it out. I can't and really it doesn't matter because once something happens you don't think ever will the overwhelming feeling of happiness for him is amazing. To see that little cheek move just a little that day was him telling autism, you don't have me. When he is older he can tell all about what it's like for him to have autism but for now we have new way to turn a frustrating situation into a smile. A huge win for him and he sure loves trying not to smile=D.
So many times with my youngest I have wanted to play this game and I can tell you I have tried multiple times. Only to have it end with me feeling foolish because he in fact is not going to smile. Or I have wondered if he has even understood what I was trying to do. I would say it with enthusiasm and get a blank look and then maybe try again the next day. Eventually I began to wonder if he would ever be able to understand that game at all, after all I was telling him NOT to smile. Would he ever understand the that my intention was to create a smile or would it always be a blank look? Did he possibly think I really didn't want him to smile, or was autism just not allowing him to understand the game?
Recently I got my answer to that and a very large dose of hope and joy for him. Just a few days ago we were in the van and he was very serious as usual. I glanced at him in the rear view mirror and could see a stern look on his face so once again I said it "don't you smile Phillip" expecting the very same reaction I had received over and over again for over a year. That is when I saw his cheek move and his eyes shift toward me. So, of course I said it again with even more enthusiasm because I saw a possibility of a reaction and to my surprise a giant smile took over his face! A dangerous moment to be driving by the way because I did not want to miss one second of his reaction. I had waited way to long for it and never expected it to come any time soon. Just asking him to smile has been a challenge we have never overcome, until now. He has not purposely smiled for pictures or on command since autism. Before autism he was full of smiles but after autism something had to be funny and if it wasn't funny a smile would not just come to him. Most people can smile when told or at each other out of friendliness. We smile all the time even of there is not major motivation attached or at least we try to but he has not been able to do this.
We have continued to play this game and not only does he react just as he did that day but he now tells me "don't you smile" when I am not smiling. I wish I could ask him if he knew all along what I was doing and if the world was just to busy to understand. I wish I could ask him what changed that day to create the smile I told him not to put on his face and what gave him the ability to open up his mind and let it out. I can't and really it doesn't matter because once something happens you don't think ever will the overwhelming feeling of happiness for him is amazing. To see that little cheek move just a little that day was him telling autism, you don't have me. When he is older he can tell all about what it's like for him to have autism but for now we have new way to turn a frustrating situation into a smile. A huge win for him and he sure loves trying not to smile=D.
Friday, August 9, 2013
I rarely go back, before autism and this is why.
There has been a lot of articles circulating lately on the autism vaccine debate. There always is but it seems to gaining a bit more attention and questioning for now, that is until someone puts out an article to blast it to pieces because that is what typically happens. In the past year and half I have communicated with numerous families with numerous opinions on how autism came to be for them. The people that pull at my heart the most are the ones who are completely convinced there child changed after being vaccinated. Why? because they aren't wrong but society tends to shake a finger at them for saying so. It's common knowledge in the medical field a vaccine can collide with a difference in the body and not work it's way through as expected but the problem is the research is not being done and that is just flat out sad. Not research on the vaccines but research on what is going on in so many little bodies that isn't allowing the vaccines to do there job. Actually the vaccine probably is doing what it's intended for, leaving behind collateral damage and it's OK to ask why.
The other day I put in a DVD I made before my son changed and this might sound weird but I almost never look at pictures of my son before it happened. How can a mother avoid pictures of her child during some of the most amazing days of his life? It's hard, very hard to see a different little boy. The pictures tell a story and as a parent it literally hurts to see that story unfold. Starting off as a healthy chubby little boy and smiling all the time. Different foods all over his face smiling and laughing through it, proud of his messy face. Wearing different little outfits I picked out and dressing him up without any problems on type of clothes. All the different people in the pictures holding him and smiles on all the faces. Life was pretty typical of a family with a new baby.
Then the pictures start to change and the changes come directly after they day he received a heavy dose of vaccines. The smiles turn into a blank look and the idea of having his picture taken is gone to him. Food on the face completely stops for two reasons, he won't eat and he definitely will not cover himself with food as a toddler does. No more cute pajamas or outfits because clothes become a problem and it's all diaper of pull up pictures. His personality becomes hard to find in pictures and the people in the pictures are gone. It turns into him almost always alone in the pictures with me trying desperately to get a smile or just to look at me when I take it. No one can hold him anymore to pose and if they do he is clearly fighting the grasp.
Everything changes right after a certain event in his life, our lives, and that is extremely hard to watch. Even harder to know I am not the only parent who might avoid before autism pictures because they feel the same way. When an article comes out blasting the theory that vaccines can trigger autism I think of every parent and child who avoids the before autism pictures because they just know what happened. These articles we see make us sound like we are delusional and paranoid and the people who haven't lived it roll there eyes at any opinion that states collateral damage. Ignored and shoved aside with some kind of thought we just don't accept our own genetics. I think many parents who have gone through this would gladly take a genetic difference theory any day over collateral damage. I know for myself personally that would truly make it easier but I also know that is not what gave us life with autism.
No matter how many risk factors are thrown at me or theories people spew at me I avoid pictures of my son pre August of 2011 because that life is gone. Born in 2009 and transformed in 2011 on the day they told me it was best to do the shots all in one day then to bring him back for more pokes a week or two later. I don't blame them but I do blame science and the lack of research being done on cases like my son and so many others. It can be done and it's avoided for one reason or another which is not OK for those parents who are shot down for what they know happened right before there eyes. These parents are not in denial and they are not paranoid but they are extremely strong for understanding and pushing forward knowing the research is avoided for a reason. Lack of research tells us, we have a problem.
For now I throw in an old DVD on occasion and when August of 2011 starts to show, I quietly say "there is goes and has fought like hell ever since." I am also reminded that we tread lightly in regard to any future vaccine talk or even antibiotics because his body doesn't accept it and until I know why, I have to chose very carefully what could possibly cause more harm to him. In fact it's a little odd to me after autism came along clearly after the vaccines and an additional allergy to the only antibiotic he has ever had no doctor has ever mentioned his little body might have a hidden difference that prevents these things from being tolerated. Doctors need symptoms to investigate a health issue and it's my thought in our case anyway, autism is the symptom and the immune system is the health issue. Instead what we get is a autism is the health issue with symptoms no one understands.
The other day I put in a DVD I made before my son changed and this might sound weird but I almost never look at pictures of my son before it happened. How can a mother avoid pictures of her child during some of the most amazing days of his life? It's hard, very hard to see a different little boy. The pictures tell a story and as a parent it literally hurts to see that story unfold. Starting off as a healthy chubby little boy and smiling all the time. Different foods all over his face smiling and laughing through it, proud of his messy face. Wearing different little outfits I picked out and dressing him up without any problems on type of clothes. All the different people in the pictures holding him and smiles on all the faces. Life was pretty typical of a family with a new baby.
Then the pictures start to change and the changes come directly after they day he received a heavy dose of vaccines. The smiles turn into a blank look and the idea of having his picture taken is gone to him. Food on the face completely stops for two reasons, he won't eat and he definitely will not cover himself with food as a toddler does. No more cute pajamas or outfits because clothes become a problem and it's all diaper of pull up pictures. His personality becomes hard to find in pictures and the people in the pictures are gone. It turns into him almost always alone in the pictures with me trying desperately to get a smile or just to look at me when I take it. No one can hold him anymore to pose and if they do he is clearly fighting the grasp.
Everything changes right after a certain event in his life, our lives, and that is extremely hard to watch. Even harder to know I am not the only parent who might avoid before autism pictures because they feel the same way. When an article comes out blasting the theory that vaccines can trigger autism I think of every parent and child who avoids the before autism pictures because they just know what happened. These articles we see make us sound like we are delusional and paranoid and the people who haven't lived it roll there eyes at any opinion that states collateral damage. Ignored and shoved aside with some kind of thought we just don't accept our own genetics. I think many parents who have gone through this would gladly take a genetic difference theory any day over collateral damage. I know for myself personally that would truly make it easier but I also know that is not what gave us life with autism.
No matter how many risk factors are thrown at me or theories people spew at me I avoid pictures of my son pre August of 2011 because that life is gone. Born in 2009 and transformed in 2011 on the day they told me it was best to do the shots all in one day then to bring him back for more pokes a week or two later. I don't blame them but I do blame science and the lack of research being done on cases like my son and so many others. It can be done and it's avoided for one reason or another which is not OK for those parents who are shot down for what they know happened right before there eyes. These parents are not in denial and they are not paranoid but they are extremely strong for understanding and pushing forward knowing the research is avoided for a reason. Lack of research tells us, we have a problem.
For now I throw in an old DVD on occasion and when August of 2011 starts to show, I quietly say "there is goes and has fought like hell ever since." I am also reminded that we tread lightly in regard to any future vaccine talk or even antibiotics because his body doesn't accept it and until I know why, I have to chose very carefully what could possibly cause more harm to him. In fact it's a little odd to me after autism came along clearly after the vaccines and an additional allergy to the only antibiotic he has ever had no doctor has ever mentioned his little body might have a hidden difference that prevents these things from being tolerated. Doctors need symptoms to investigate a health issue and it's my thought in our case anyway, autism is the symptom and the immune system is the health issue. Instead what we get is a autism is the health issue with symptoms no one understands.
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