The last few months have been a challenge and not in regard to autism. I can actually say autism and my sons difference has been the very least of the challenges that have been knockin me around a bit. Life challenges because it seems even if you live an extremely isolated and anti social life you can't avoid it. It is just part of the life ride and it goes up and comes back down, the good part is eventually it goes back up again. I stepped back from raising awareness and couldn't seem to find an ounce a desire to blog. Basically I was drained and trying like to hell to figure it all out.
A few months ago I made the decision to end my relationship with my sons father and it was a decision I hated to make. Somewhat forced to do for my own sense of self worth and sanity and even then found myself wondering if I had made a mistake a time or two. Even when you know what you have to do it's easy to question it. It's a change and big changes are hard to make. Unfortunately that decision also led to my son not having his father in his life at all. Not fair for my son but people do as they please in this world and my idea of a dad has an extremely high standard attached to it, which brings me to the next life challenge.
Recently my own dad was struggling to swallow his food. Started as an annoyance for him and then that annoyance became a bit concerning. Quickly diagnosed with stage 3 esophageal cancer. A shocking blow for our entire family for a couple of reason. My dad is an extremely healthy man who just a few weeks ago participated in The Courage Classic charity bike ride in Colorado. An event he does every year with my uncle, 130 miles in 3 days through the mountains and they both finished the ride together. My dad does not fit into the risk factors for this cancer other than being a male over 60. Our family has also been very lucky over time avoiding any situation that truly leaves all of us a bit shaken and confused. Our family as a whole has been extremely blessed and even through this difficult time I will say we are still blessed. Odd to say after a cancer diagnosis but I don't see any way any of us, especially my mom and dad, will go through this event without complete support and love. That is blessed and his great health is also a huge blessing to fight the battle that is about to begin.
I think often we get so comfortable in life, ok not me, but it is easy to just wake up in the morning and feel complete security that the day is going to be just another day. I have experienced some things in life, autism being one, that consistently remind me none of us are in control. Or at least as in control as we think we are and would like to be. Things in life are going to happen. We won't see it coming, it can rattle your cage, confuse you, leave you feeling helpless, and sometimes it just flat out won't make sense. I know with autism I have beatin the crap out of my brain trying to figure out why my little boy was changed, why did God let my son face autism. Why did God let cancer attack my dad and really my whole family. Along with a few other things in life I have asked God why in a very unpleasant tone and some very bad words. I am human he understands and I have also gotten very pissed off a few times over circumstances that haven't made sense. I have also learned over time when I have gotten angry at God and asked why, the answer typically comes. Eventually you find out why and you are supposed to use the answer in your own life in some way that impacts another life.
Some of you may role your eyes at that thought or the thought of God in general and that's fine, I don't judge anyone for that and would expect the same respect. I only know what I have learned and everything out of my control that I have asked why has played a role in one way or another. Good or bad the why always gets answered. I don't know for sure how autism is going to affect my sons life and I don't know for sure how cancer will affect my dads but I know the answers will come and life is a process. A process we don't always understand and we just have know we are all going to be ok, making large or small impacts on each other. You don't have to believe in God like I do to know this is how life works. All of us are walking around in a state of confusion at times looking for answers to why. The answers come almost always, now go live your day! You don't have to move mountains, just impact someone else and keep in mind you might not even be aware when it happens. We accidently impact each other all the time, it's the process of life.
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