When Autism Comes to Dinner

   Autism can have an affect on the entire family and the way we all prepare for events, even the little ones. Yesterday was my oldest son's 15th birthday and trying to find some kind of fun we could have for the day was a difficult task. Not because there are no fun things to do but because I have to consider how those things will effect my youngest son. I had many things going through my mind as ways to spend to spend the day, zoo, aquarium, trip the city, all things I had to take into consideration might end up a huge fail. The what ifs start to flood my mind and although I hate to say it, the what if was what if it all goes wrong and my son's birthday is taken down by his little brothers autism. Not by his little brother but by how he is overwhelmed so easily. He loves his little brother like crazy but we are all very familiar with what could happen.

   I asked my son what he would like to do and not many ideas rolled out. I don't know if that was due to what may come of it or just lack of interest, after all he is 15, so lack of interest is realistic at this age. What he decided on was a simple trip out to dinner and I use the word simple lightly because nothing is ever so simple with autism involved. He chose a place we had been to as a family once before and it did not go well. Red Robin and Red Robin is loud and busy with a lot of things to process. At the same time there aren't a lot of places to eat he could have chosen that wouldn't have been loud and busy. The good part was we had been there before and although it ended badly I knew Phillip had already processed a lot of the restaurant once and that makes a difference. He just does not forget so a second introduction is never as difficult as the first.

   This is when the biggest affect kicked in, the mention of possibly leaving my youngest behind to avoid what might come of it. My oldest, Presly, knew we had a 50/50 chance of dinner ending very badly, early, or me just flat out having the leave the other kids at the table to explore quietly. It has happened so many times we all know this is part of the process. A sit down restaurant just does not happen often as a family because it's hard. I understood where he was coming from because I also feel the same anxiety and it was a bit heartbreaking to know leaving one child behind for a birthday dinner was truly floating around in our minds and yes, I had already considered it myself.

   We did not, we all went and today I am extremely grateful we pushed through that concern. You see Phillip often surprises us and yesterday was one of those times. The hostess first wanted to seat us at a round table and I quickly knew that was a big trigger for challenges so asked if we could somehow be seated in a booth. The booth is much easier to keep my son from wanting to wander off or run away from us to explore and she gladly did that for us. Thankfully she found us a booth tucked into a corner which was another blessing because people all around him in every direction talking and moving is just another trigger. The corner prevented the noise and movement from flooding his mind. A table in a restaurant that is wide open and in the middle of all the chaos is like inviting autism to come out and play and sometimes autism doesn't play quietly or in a designated area.

   What came of this birthday dinner, other than an obscene bill, was a fantastic dinner with a fantastic group of kids. Phillip sat with some crawling around and a couple of attempts to escape but for the most part he was more relaxed than any of us expected. The dinner was full of smiles, laughter, and the birthday young man was able to enjoy his birthday burger just as he wanted to. For the first time possibly ever, we slowly finished our food and then sat for a bit talking before the bill was paid. That never happens, we rush and often no one really finishes. Many times someone has to lead little brother out of the restaurant before the bill even comes. Challenges are always pushing when autism comes to dinner but yesterday autism was not in charge and having Phillip with us in such a state of peace was like life giving his big brother a special gift for his birthday. Even showing us all leaving him behind would have stolen a moment we didn't know was coming and I don't think any of us would have wanted to miss it for the world. We need those moments as a family desperately because it reminds us to keep fighting together. It also reminds us that when we feel defeated, we are not.
 
   We have pushed through some very hard things together and every second of it makes a difference. Not just for us as a family but for a little boy who doesn't deserve to be left behind. He needs to be there and at the end of the day I was a bit upset with myself for even considering leaving him behind. We would have missed one of the best moments we have had together in a very long time. Next time may not go as well but I do know the thought of leaving him behind will not crawl into my mind so easily again. In fact I think all of use had a large dose of faith restored in us and in no way want to miss an opportunity like that again. We have all worked to hard for it. I was reminded of a Disney movie that used to be on repeat day after day in my home when my older children were little and the saying, OHANA....family and nobody gets left behind! No matter what kind of challenges come we face them together because if we don't, how in the world can we ever overcome them when it really is each other that has gotten us this far.