The truth is...not everyone will understand.

               The truth is not everyone will understand autism. We as parents can explain until we are too exhausted to speak, write, or educate and even then it is impossible for some people to understand. To be totally honest my son has behaviors I don’t understand. I know what he will do but that doesn’t mean I know why he does it. Potty training or lack of is one example and puts us in a situation I can’t explain to others and restricts us to home. He will not go potty away from home and so many times someone will say to me “eventually he will.”

                No, he will not go eventually if he doesn’t want to. He will end up unable to walk and in screaming pain before he will go but the moment we walk into the house, problem resolved. I can take him on day trips and be gone all day and yet he will hold it for the entire day. I can take him overnight but he will hold it then to and when we moved he held it for days before he decided it was ok to do. Knowing this, I do things around it to prevent him from hurting himself with his unexplainable willpower. He has trained himself to go potty before his time at the autism center and has trained himself to go when we arrive home. In fact I could send him in underwear anywhere he goes and know he will stay dry but he will not use a toilet. We are still in the pull up zone and eventually he will transition but I cannot explain his ability to have this self control without being able to transition. It does not make any sense at all and that is ok.

                That is an example of what no one can understand but we also have elements in life I do understand and others do not. Even people who should know him very well just don’t. Yesterday I was asked a question that smacked me with this reality and even though the person who asked it hasn’t been around my son for a while now, they are familiar with his autism or at least I thought they were and really no excuse not to be.  I told this person about a demolition derby I had gone to a while back with a friend and the question was simple, “did you take him to the demolition?”

                I was so thrown back by that question from someone I thought understood him I didn’t even answer right away because I was speechless. Then I said, “No, I did not take him” and left it at that because I knew that question was a clear indication there was absolutely no understanding on that end.

 A demolition derby is very loud and even kids who are not autistic are wearing headphones to drown out the sound. Taking him to something like that would actually be cruel on my part in regard to his own personal challenges. Loud sounds are very hard for him and the person who asked the question should have known this. So why didn’t that connect? No matter how hard I try to explain, no matter how many blogs I write, no matter how hard I work or time I spend trying to help others understand there really are people who just will not get it. It’s like a brick wall I just keep running towards with my hands full of explanations and I slam into the wall full speed every time. All of the explanations just fly through the air and scatter. I pick it up and go try to find a better way to explain only to hit the wall full speed all over again when I think I can get through.  There just really is no way to break through and to keep trying is an exhausting waste of time.

This sounds very negative but it’s not because I have also learned a valuable lesson from this. That brick wall is ok and it’s ok that the person on the other side is unreachable. That simple question surprised me but that is ok. What is not ok is me consistently running into the wall because every time I bounce right off of it, it is a bit painful. There is no time for running into walls and exhausting myself doing it. He is autistic and he is complicated but he is awesome in every way even with those behaviors that don’t make any sense. In fact maybe one of the coolest things about him is it really takes a person with a unique perspective to understand the things that can be understood.