I am an extremely positive person and I can find the silver
lining in almost every bad situation I come across. Struggles are part of life
and no one avoids them, it’s just an element we all face one way or another. We
make bad decisions and face the aftermath or we make good ones and sometimes
even then things don’t go the way we want them to. Its life and I personally I
love life no matter what comes at me. I literally am grateful every day I get
to wake up and keep on living. I know it’s a bit disgusting but it’s a fact.
On that
note I have moments as an autism mom that I stay very quiet but on the inside I
am completely torn up by what I see my son go through. Kids struggle and Lord
knows my two older children who are not autistic have faced some real and hard struggles,
some of which have broken my heart to see them go through but they have been
able to push through with grace. Couldn’t be more proud of all three of my kids
for everything they are but in regard to autism those moments can be a little different
that tear me up.
This
morning my son was anxious and wanted to leave an hour early for the center. We
couldn’t but he wanted to get dressed and he said outside. I thought maybe this
morning he was going to stick it to own routine so to speak. Our morning routine
never changes so if it is a day he is going to change it; I jump and let him
try. We got dressed and I opened the back door but he didn’t move from where he
was standing. So, I stepped outside in the backyard and showed him a toy I bought
him yesterday to play with out there. It’s beautiful out today and nothing
would have prevented a child from going outside. He walked over to the door way
and he stopped. I cheered him on to come out and play but he rubbed his eyes
and the bottom lip came out with no loud cry or even a sound. He then stepped
behind the sliding glass door so I couldn’t see his face while he fought the
tears. Autism prevented him from going outside.
This
tears me up inside even though I know he will overcome. It is a very painful
thing to see your child not able to step outside simply because autism says no.
He didn’t cry in pain or anger, or even frustration. He cried because he just
could not figure out that it was ok to do at that time of day. He is three with
sun shining and a new toy one step away and couldn’t do it. A moment like that
gives a parent a very clear view of how hard the days really are for a child
who struggles with this. It physically
makes my chest hurt to see him go through it and in all honesty and my spewing
of positivity it’s a moment I get very mad at autism.
So
where is silver lining and there is one, my own mind won’t let me not find it.
After the center we are going to completely shake up routine. We are going to
the park, a new one, and we are staying as long he wants to. The silver lining
is I can see routine is holding on to tight and we are going to loosen the grip
if we can. Shaking it up is almost like climbing over that autism wall to
freedom for a bit and it can go one of two ways. It could make it worse or it
could show him autism is not always in charge. Odds would say he might get
worse but if we did everything based on odds he would not even be speaking
today. Typically I would never tell someone to change the routine because we
all know it’s asking for trouble but at the same time I often think the routine
gets to set in and brings him just as much trouble as changing it might. Maybe
routine is good but to what point has it gone to far?
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