Poor me....

   It's been a difficult couple of weeks around here and absolutely nothing to do with autism. Just changes in life in general and sometimes changes get mom down a bit. We are all entitled to some poor me time, even if we don't want it. Sometimes it seems like it's a necessary part of life so whatever led to it can be sorted out, instead of just stored in our minds.

   Yesterday my son reminded me once again unexpected changes happen and sometimes they are hard to process and other times simply amazing. I took him to McDonalds to play because we have had rain day after day and he likes it. There were a ton of kids and a ton of noise right along with total chaos in every direction. The woman sitting next to me actually decided to leave because she was afraid her son was going to get hurt. A legit fear because as she was telling him it was time to go another older child ran him right over without a thought.

   A McDonalds trip used to go pretty bad for us. My son would completely ignore other kids and fixate on one thing for almost the entire time we would stay even if it was just a picture on a wall.  He would never climb into the large play area and leaving in general no matter what, always a kicking and screaming nightmare. He would get knocked around by other kids and it didn't faze him one bit. By didn't faze him one bit I mean total lack of awareness.  Another child would take a toy from him and he would never react, just let him have it and carry on. Two months ago these things really bothered me because it's a life skill we need to have, standing up for ourselves in one way or another and he just didn't have it. I was the part of his mind that wasn't aware.

   Yesterday we stayed for almost two hours and I literally watched miracle after miracle play out. He climbed all the way up to the top of the big toy. He ran all around and was interacting with the other kids, with caution for good reason. One boy shoved him and although I would never want my son to return a shove he did in a playful way and that was a big deal for him to do. He stayed pretty close to the smaller kids and understood to keep a distance from the wild big kids. At one point a little girl next to him was plowed right over and to my surprise Phillip leaned down and helped her up asking if she was OK. He initiated a social interaction that blew everything I have been told about his difference right out of the water. Bottom line after our time was up, in a sea of children he stood out and not because of autism but because of his self awareness, kindness, and awareness of everyone else.

   When it was time I said to him "it is time to go Phillip" and I only said it one time while he was rushing by. He stopped, took one last drink and walked right out of the building in front of me. Absolutely no protest and lead the way all the way out to the van. Exhausted might have played a role in that just a bit but it doesn't matter, it happened and that's all that matters! Once he climbed into his car seat I leaned over him and he kissed my cheek saying "thank you."

    I truly at times over the past year never thought a day like that would happen anytime soon. I was told it wouldn't and as many times as we had tried an outing like this it just always went very badly. You believe every time you try again but you see the vice grip autism has on your child. It's a vice grip that feels like it will take years to loosen and that is what we are told. You are forced to accept it and keep faith in the next day.

   In the end I was reminded that even though I was working through some poor me transitions in life, my three year old is stronger than me because he doesn't even know what poor me is. Maybe one day he will but I don't think even then it will slow him down in the slightest. There is a saying "I have autism but autism doesn't have me" and I never could totally see the meaning in that. Understood it completely but for a long time autism really did have him and that is certainly not the way I would explain it these days.