The dreaded mom breakdown! If your a mom and have never had one of these well you must tell the rest of the mothers on earth your secret to completely holding it together always. I would be shocked though if a mom like this exists. Autism or not, every mom feels pressure, feels doubt, feels overwhelmed, feels judged, feels exhausted, and feels like she will keep doing it no matter what because it's what she does. I don't know a mom who hasn't burst into tears at some point over one of the feelings above at some time during motherhood, not any good moms anyway.
Being an autism mom makes not one bit of difference when it comes to this topic although I think I can say a lot of autism moms cry and cry a lot. It's hard and we know it, we would be lying if we said it wasn't. We had a weekend full of meltdowns and full of routine changes, not big changes just a couple of new things tossed in we don't normally do and well when it comes to autism this can cause big challenges. We made a trip to our local dump with grandpa in an unfamiliar truck, then changed to grandpa's car to go home. All of it not part of our daily routine so arriving home left my son full of extreme anxiety. Crying, screaming, kicking clinging, and a relentless attack on his comfort level. Eventually I decided this attack was not going to stop until we did something very familiar, almost like attacking it back with what his mind craves, routine. Into the mini van we went and back to grandpa's house for just a short time. When we returned home all comfort was restored but he was exhausted and it effected him all day.
The next day we made a simple trip to Starbucks to see old friends and this is something he has never done. I could see from his extreme energy and could hear from the sounds he was making his mind kicked into overdrive and knew we would both pay the price later on. His mind was so busy the only way back was via meltdown at that point. That's hard to understand but it's almost like he has to crash and burn in order for his mind to stop at times.
That is exactly what happened and once again the screaming began. Now at this point motherhood kicked me and I did the unthinkable. I cried and I cried almost as hard as him. This happens to moms and I can say when my big kids where little and I was exhausted I cried a time or two as well. Not a sad cry just a cry that wants to fix it all. Moms often have to turn there backs when a child is upset so a child can work through that feeling and understand how. Maybe a child is mad about going to bed or mad they can't have a toy so a tantrum begins. Sometimes it's just an age and eventually they learn to manage what works on mom and what doesn't so it gets better. That doesn't mean it's not exhausting.
There was a difference though between my cry now and my cry back then with my other children. You see it wasn't exhaustion because I am not tired, pretty well rested actually. I am not frustrated with behaviors or any stages he is going through. What this cry was is simply heartbreak and not a constant heartbreak, one that hits occasionally just because of how hard autism can make life for him. You see the thought that my son can't simply do something new or different without extreme anxiety breaks my heart. It is very hard to watch a little boy struggle through a very simple change to the point he has to crash. As a mother that hurts to see and hurts to know I cannot do one thing to prevent it. It is totally out of my hands. I can control his environment and I can gage what he can handle in the way of crowds or noise. I can decide if something might work or might not but I cannot slow down his mind and ease anxiety over changes.
It's is perfectly ok to cry and this is how I look at it, I am horribly afraid of heights. I cannot even climb a ladder or stand on a chair without feeling fear. The higher I go the more fear I feel. If my mother had to strap a parachute on me and push me off a cliff nearly every day in order to for me to learn not to be afraid...I would be very concerned if she did not cry at some point and because I know how much my mom loves me, I know she would cry the very first push! At the same time if she knew eventually I would jump on my own she would still do it if she had to. The changes are scary for him and being he is only 3 understanding those changes makes it even more difficult for him. So, if I can't always fix it and I have to push occasionally we cry together and one day he will jump.
No comments:
Post a Comment