The subject of grieving has come up since my son was diagnosed and to me this is an odd subject. I understand the concept of grieving when a child is diagnosed but I have an inability to do this. In fact a year ago when an advocate insinuated I was a grieving mother, I was more of an insulted mother.
I want what is best for all three of my children no matter what that may be in life. People often have an image of what there child will become and that image is almost always above and beyond like they have just given birth to a superstar. Yes, we all give birth to superstars and while we are raising our little superstars we want them to have morals, standards, and be generally good people to themselves and to others. We want them to have success doing what they love and we even want them to have a few failures so they can learn to keep trying and the ability to be humble. Autism doesn't stop a child from this and unless there is an expectation in place that is totally unrealistic I don't see autism as something that will prevent my little superstar from learning the things I feel are important. We must have an expectation that suits the circumstances in order for them to be met in the first place. When all three of my kids where born I didn't put much thought into expectation because all I could think was, wow! Then came the part I just wanted to be enough for them.
So when someone tells me I am supposed to grieve my son for not being what the world would expect I find it very strange. Strange because it is not my son who has let me down, it is society and they we treat others in general along with complete lack of explanation for why so many children are struggling to just speak. The way the autism stigma takes hold and people shy away from learning and understanding. For that, I grieve society. Autism came along and unexpected challenges came with it but beyond that he is my son. He is no less than what I expected of him because when he was born all I could think was, wow! After the wow to be honest I wing it every day and pray a lot. So far that has worked out for the most part with a few bumps in the road but grieving has never come to mind. If someone told me they could stop all of the challenges my son faces from autism I would take it and I would take all of the challenges away my other two children face because no one wants to watch their struggle through anything in life.
If a doctor or therapist says to me, your son has autism do I grieve him? No, I adjust to what was just presented to me so he can thrive in a world that might not understand. I might ask the doctor or therapist questions he or she cannot answer and then grieve there degree hanging on the wall but I surely will not grieve my child.
This might seem odd to some people but I was also a child who grew up in a family that stood out for being a bit different. A life of irrational decisions, almost no direction to speak of, and didn't accomplish the things I was capable of. I was and still can be the daughter who just never did figure out how to focus my abilities and use them. If I was to ask my parents if they have ever grieved me I would hope the answer would be no although I am little afraid to ask that question, just in case. What I am saying is, grief for me is associated with loss and I have not lost my son. He is with me, he is challenged but we are all challenged in some way. Focusing on what could have been doesn't do tomorrow a damn bit of good and changes nothing that has already been. Grief? No, but belief...yes.
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