Let it be known...autistics do NOT lack empathy.

     I took a break today from the news as my stomach was in knots and tears were just to hard to fend off thinking about the families in Connecticut. Although I turned my thoughts away from it, or tried, it was still on the front of my mind like all parents today in America. When I sat down tonight to check Facebook I found I had missed the part of the news I needed to see and we all know why.

     The man who carried out this massacre is now rumored to have autism among other things he struggled with. When I see this come up it just takes that knife and twists it right in. What always follows is ignorant, yet educated, expert telling all of America autism lacks empathy. People start coming forward with statements about how "weird" the person was. That is when every person with autism or who is fighting to raise awareness slumps back and knows they are now starting all over to stop this way of viewing those effected. I just came across it and I slumped back and realized we don't have to keep sitting back and watching this happen all over again and say nothing. I say again because the same rumor flew shortly after the theater tragedy. Even if these are not just rumors it in no way means autism played any part in what was done.

      Kids and adults with autism do not lack empathy and I can't express that enough. What they do is fight to make sense of things, including emotions of others. I don't mean they don't understand emotion, I mean they view expressions differently. They may react differently but lack empathy? No way.

      My son is three and autistic and I want to give an example of his regard for feelings of others to clear the confusion media creates. I was sick for three days with the stomach flu. On the couch and out of commission. Not only sick but my head hurt so bad I wanted to cry. Day two I woke up in the morning and my three year old non verbal son was standing beside the bed.

      I wanted to stop that paragraph so your mind could go were media has led it. Think about what you might imagine he was doing at this point. From what you know of autism did your mind go in a negative direction? For many of you it probably didn't but someone who doesn't know autism it did. My son was holding my hand, brushing the hair out of my eyes, and when I opened my eyes he smiled. When I said good morning to him, he laughed and danced with joy. I will add he held my hand very carefully and gently moved my hair from my eyes because he knew I hadn't been feeling my best.

      To clear the media driven, misleading,distorted,incorrect information that pollutes the air....this example I have given you, is the kind of empathy autism has and we rarely hear about on the news.

Extreme prayers for Connecticut.

http://rt.com/usa/news/shooting-reported-connecticut-school-085/

                 I woke up to the sun shining through the windows and all hell breaking loose across the country.  Just a few days ago a shooting happened in an Oregon mall and innocent people were killed as well. I can’t imagine the terror and impact these things have on victims, if they are one who is able to walk away. We call this a shooting but what it really is an act of terrorism to our own by our own. Not created by a group of religious crazy people our government can track but random Americans we never see coming. To me that is so much more frightening to imagine. Not making light of global terrorism by any means but right here in our own homeland do we feel safe? Most people would say yes, but many people who are affected forever would say a very strong no.

                Most people feel safe getting on a plane these days but how many of us know and understand a random act of violence just leaving the house can be reality. How are these people stopped? Gun control is not the answer because gun control only works for law abiding citizens who aren’t planning to kill. We can instill gun control to the end of time but people who are killing with guns will not obey the laws. Do we arm someone in schools who is trained, trusted, and ready to stop this madness? One would say no way; my child can’t go to a school with an armed faculty member. Then again, if you woke up to this madness and it was your child’s school maybe you would have wanted someone there to stop this person by any means possible because it meant your child’s life.

                Then there is the mental health side of these shootings. What in the hell is happening to the minds of these people that create this desire in the first place? It’s hard to even write about this issue being a parent and maybe you dropped off your child this morning at school with a smile and a “have a great day” so you can actually feel a fraction of the pain these parents are feeling. Only a fraction because the real impact is something we can’t grasp unless it happens to us.

                Going to end this blog today by sending extreme prayer to the families, children, entire community that has been faced with the ultimate evil this morning. My heart aches for every person affected and that affect will last forever. Maybe this has happened far away from many of us but if you are human, this has to hit close to home.

 

The fun parent pulled it off and glad to be fun again.

     For the last three days I have been down for the count with the same stomach virus Phillip caught last week. Daddy had to really step up his game to help out and thank God for it! I literally could not stay awake for more than an hour at a time and when I was awake if felt like a vice was squeezing my head. I was totally worthless in every way. This doesn't happen often but when it does, it is a drastic change.

     Part of Phillips routine is mom so when mom is out of commission he has to find a way to rely on dad and his brain gets a bit frustrated. Dad does pretty good by the way but wants to appease him just a bit to much. Sometimes you just can't appease the little man and you have to get up and walk away. Phillip is used to dad being the fun parent and not the enforcer. You could easily say dad is used to this routine as well and likes it that way. Who wouldn't?

     Day two I made a joke to dad and said to him, "how do you know I am not just faking it to lay on the couch and do nothing?". Dad actually did give me a second glance on that one. I have to admit even though I felt like road kill I secretly enjoyed listening to the role reversal. For one it's a reality check for dad that being the fun parent really is much easier to do and for two the begging me to feel better is a sure sign I have made being the enforcer look easy. Feels like a sadistic pat on the back from life (cue evil villain laugh).

     Day three I finally went up to take a bath and wash off what my family was so kind not to mention and it seemed as though dad and Phillip had become totally in sync. My sadistic pat on the back from life had become irrelevant. That is until dad had to go to the grocery store and I asked if he as taking Phillip with him. The look on his face completely priceless at the thought of taking him with him because we all know what happens to Phillip upon entry of a grocery store and mom had just gone to far on that one.

    Today I am back to full health and the order of fun parent and enforcer has been restored. Daddy pulled it off with only a few bumps in the road and now gets to go back to being what he is best at, being fun. Mommy gets to get back to being the enforcer and unfortunately I didn't get my chance to be fun because I was to dang sick to take on that role. I did get enough sleep to last at least a week and even though I felt like I was on my death bed, knowing daddy can pull it off is a good feeling. On that note my heart goes out to those super strong mommies and daddies who are doing it all alone. How they do it can only be explained by some kind of super power that kicks in when needed. Dad goes back to Alaska in just a couple weeks for his three month stay and boy am I lucky I have only been this sick when he has been in the lower 48 to help out. Not so sure daddy would agree with me on this being lucky but I do know he is probably praying my health stays in tact for at least two more weeks.

Never have we had a verbal conversation.

                 Stimming is a common topic when it comes to autism and one of many clues for parents when autism is in question. There are different forms of stimming but most common is hand flapping, spinning, which we thought was Phillip just being silly, and repetitive verbal sounds.

                Phillip doesn’t flap his hands or spin anymore, but he did both of these things daily for some time. Once we were able to get a handle on some bowel problems many of the stimming habits just stopped but the verbal repeats are still there. Sometimes he will take a quick breath and make a click sound. It’s quiet and most of the time it goes unnoticed, to us anyway, but this would be considered a stimming habit to a therapist.

                For the last three to four months Phillip has been making a very odd sound. I would compare this to a sick lion roaring and roaring loud. He will run around doing this over and over and I will be the first to say it’s obnoxious and loud. I have even asked him to stop at times even though I know you can’t just simply ask a child to stop a stimming habit. When I need the world to be quiet around me it seems that little bare sickly sounding lion will let out his roar, and then we repeat it over and over full speed through the house. This is when my eyes look up and I say in my mind, Lord…help me!

                If was to take Phillip to a therapist and ask why this madness is happening I assure you the answer would be, he is stimming. He is self stimulating or this is his way of coping with his sensory issues and I would take that answer and go with it, question it, but go with it. I question everything when it comes to these things because we know no two kids are alike, we know the entire spectrum is a mystery, and we know no one knows for sure.

                Here is when I tell you why the questioning everything is not only ok to do but important. Yesterday I was in the kitchen preparing to mix up my daily smoothie and Phillip was behind me in the dining room playing. I put all of my ingredients in the blender and hit the button, when I stopped the blender there was strong echo behind me. That little sickly roaring lion had just become a blender and I simply shook my head. How on earth did it take me months to realize my son was mimicking my blender, which I used each and every day?  He hasn’t been stimming at all, just creating the same sound he hears every day and mom was just extremely slow picking up on this. A day later I am still shaking my head at just how long it took my simple mind to put this together.

                Now I am going to take you back to that quick breath and click sound he makes from time to time. This friends comes from a Discovery movie he watched for a few days about dolphins. He mastered the sounds of a dolphin and continues to do it. In all of this he can’t communicate like you and I do and that is one of the most baffling things about my son’s autism by far. Sometimes he is a dolphin and sometimes he is a brave little blender but never have we had a verbal conversation.

If your a good parent and you know it...clap your hands!

          Long and exhausting day. I am going to attempt to write this from my iPad and see if I can adjust to this touch screen typing business. Weird change but slowly getting the hang of it. I did set the old laptop on my lap today that I can't unplug from a bad battery in an attempt to blog, but the chance quickly left.

          Phillip was sick all day today and mama started to feel the same way. It didn't hit nearly as hard as it did him, thank goodness, and I know today his little body just feels broken from all of the stomach upset. I discovered something through all of this and I needed to see it clearly to give my family a break from my own frustration level.

          We had a violently ill three year old on our hands that can not communicate how he feels with words. There was no, "my tummy hurts" or "my head hurts", although I think everything was hurting him by 2am. I quickly realized everyone was worried about him but tried very hard to stay out of the way. Yes, this could have a lot to do with the projectile vomit (small giggle) but even when that faze left us everyone stayed away. I saw a family who had no idea how to help him without knowing how he felt, what he wanted, what to do other throw in a towel, literally. With all that I also saw a family who was confident mom would take care of things. A security in me being covered in vomit and still having my arms wrapped around one of the reasons I was put on this planet. The other two reasons went in there rooms and closed the door. A wise choice by the way.

           Am I bragging my mom skills up a bit? Yes I am and as parents that is totally OK to do and necessary sometimes to get us through these days that can run us ragged. We are judged so often in every direction and these days you don't have to have an autistic child to be judged that's for sure. Everywhere we turn we are told how to do this parenting gig and I don't think enough parents are just told...you are one awesome mom or dad, even when you have no clue what you are doing! So tonight I want to say to all of you parents who are struggling through the day or maybe today was a breeze, you are awesome. No matter what judgement comes your way you might just be the security for your family that works perfectly no matter how you are doing it.

           If you are striving for the best, consider you might already be there so sit back take a deep breath and give yourself the credit you deserve. Just in case no one else has lately and speaking from experience, it helps to feast on some fresh baked snicker doodles while you are giving yourself a pat on the back..instant fresh baked because I am a mom, not Martha Stewart.

It's been a day!

                 It has been day! One of those days you want fire up the non family car that just sits in the garage and drive off for a while. Today I had to take my big kids to the DMV for ID’s to fly to their dads for the holiday. Not something I was looking forward to as I know all too well the DMV line in a big city is a very long process but a must. By noon I had already lost a bit of patience when I opened the fridge to an empty orange juice jug and someone opened a box of yogurt and left the cardboard next to the box. The garbage is simply two feet from the fridge so both of these things irritated me. Then my phone rang and when I picked it up and put it to my ear I realized my phone had been dropped in butter and at this point my ear was slimed. Again, the paper towels within reach.

                When the kids walked in the door arguing came with them along with name calling. Then Nick and my daughter began to hoarse play and sometimes between the two of them the noise can get to be a bit much. Even Phillip at this point was yelling shut up, another thing I am not too happy about. The noise bothers him and no matter how many times I say it, it never seems to sink in. I also did not teach him this shut up tactic so when my child who barely talks yells this, it bothers me.

                Nick decided he wanted to get out of the house so that meant we were going to the DMV as a family…yeah. I knew this was not the best idea but what could I do, tell him to stay home? At the DMV Phillip went into meltdown right away, I saw that coming so Nick took him out of the building. We waited and waited and waited only to be told an hour later we needed to come back with certified birth certificates because the stack of proof of identity was not sufficient. Saw that one coming to.

                Get in the van and see Phillip has a tootsie pop and I don’t make too big of a stink even though I know sugar in that form is very bad for the rest of the day. Dad had taken him into a sports store and they gave him a free sucker. I typically refuse this but dad doesn’t always understand why I do this. Again the teenagers begin to fight about who doesn’t want to sit in the back of the van. At this point I could have strapped them to the roof but they have both outgrown me so not an option. On the drive home the projectile vomit begins just a block from home, so I keep driving knowing the smell is about to hit like a title wave. The only thing I can hear is Phillip vomiting and my oldest son saying to my daughter...”bet ya don’t want this seat now!” while he is slowly making his way to the front door with the house keys. When a child is projectile vomiting, slow should not be an issue, ever.

                We are home and Phillip quickly taken to the bath while dad takes apart the car seat to be washed. This is when I realize none of clean towels are upstairs because no one has bothered to take their dirty clothes down to the wash. Once again, I do it and you can probably tell the, I do it part is weighing on me. We are now sitting on the couch that Phillip did manage to vomit on earlier and he is slowly closing his eyes. My fear is dehydration because he is thin this happens quickly and he does not understand we need to prevent this. Last time this happened we spent the night in the hospital with an IV in his arm.

                Although I love being a mom and taking care of my family, I do have days I wouldn’t mind driving off even for a bit in a fast car with the music up and no one to take care of. Moms can easily loose themselves in the job and from time to time you want to wash off the vomit and spend some time on just yourself. No phone ringing asking where you are or how long you will be. No house to clean and people to serve. No laundry to do, dinner to make and no complaints from the people you spend your days making comfortable in this life. Then again…where would I go and what would I do? It wouldn’t take me but the end of the block to call home and make sure everyone is still ok.

The divison of autism parents....and the impact.

                The division between parents when it comes to autism always seems to push itself to surface from time to time. The division I am talking about is the different opinions that stem from different experiences with having autism tossed into life. When Phillip was diagnosed I guess I was silly thinking all of us autism parents would be united and stand for the cause together like a big band of brave acceptance warriors. It is a bit like that in some ways but in many ways it’s not.

                Autism is such a different experience for everyone that it can even be difficult to find just a few other people who share your opinions or close to them. I have ran into nearly every kind of autism parent there is, I think and I am almost reluctant to say that because we have a long way to go on this journey.  What do I mean by every kind of autism parent there is? You will find the parents who see autism is a gift, as a curse, as a disorder, as a neurological difference, as a vaccine induced disease, as an evolutionary impact, and sometimes you find the parent who just doesn’t know and deals with whatever comes their way.  My favorite people aren’t parents at all, but people who will actually flat out tell you how your child became autistic. Those people don’t really have a place in this blog but mentioning them makes me laugh so I had to throw it in.

                I have tried to stay away from this topic but every time I see these parents collide I feel a bit of pain for autism, no matter how it became a factor in life. We all want our children to be understood but even then I can say we don’t always understand our own children so we fight to get society to on board and fight to explain why at the same time. The emotions of autism are draining at times but well worth it. There have been times I have wanted to change the title of my blog to The Evolution of an Autism Mommy just because my opinions and feelings change so often. It is a roller coaster to say the least.

                With that being said I know society and the people we interact with, by nature are not drawn towards learning about something so confusing. I would even think many people are just afraid of it in general from the things they read or even from a screaming child they might have encountered in line at the grocery store. If that screaming child possibly hitting mom or dad is the only autism encounter they have had, I wouldn’t expect them to jump into wanting to know more. Now it you take that screaming child who can also memorize an entire Pixar movie in one sitting, and make that child a nephew, grandson, little sister, or best friends youngest then you have someone who is willing to want to learn more. A direct impact will do that to a person so in all the autism division I worry. I worry that parents unknowingly push people away from the desire to know more.

                Autistic kids generally don’t see how their autism impacts others unless we show them. They also don’t see how it will impact their own life unless we show them. In all the division and different opinions I want to shout…”Stop the madness!” I want to shout it as a parent who needs other parents and I want to shout it for all of the nonverbal people living with autism. They want success and as much independence as possible in life or maybe they just want to get through the day with a smile from a stranger because they don’t see one often enough. Either way the quickest way to help both of those things happen, or hope for that to happen is to stop the madness and focus on what truly matters to each and every autism parent you will ever come in contact with….the impact. The impact of autism, the impact of a parent, the impact of our children, and the one we all really need to move to the top shelf….the impact ON our children.