Routine and Rituals Required

   Something I find extremely difficult to explain to people is autism in our house isn't just about routine but a daily mix of routine and rituals that most people just flat out do not understand.  This combination is really what limits our social decisions, aside from the sensory challenges, and when or how I get away on my own.  Most people know by now someone with autism needs routine but the rituals are specific to each person and customized to each life.  Meaning more often than not, a parent is the one who fully understands both, the difference, and how they go hand in hand through the day to ease anxiety.  It takes time to learn these things and why they matter so much.

   According to Merriam Webster Dictionary routine is described as "a regular way of doing things in a particular order."  For us this means knowing what we are doing with a nice amount of time to prepare each day.  It means he knows if it's a therapy day the night before and it means we talk about what we will do after therapy on the way there.  It means if we are doing something out of the ordinary he needs to be told as far off from when we do it as possible.  It means he needs to know if we are going to someone's house or on a day trip, where we will stop and what kinds of things might happen on the way, such as riding the ferry boat on the way to a friends house.  It even means if I need to stop for gas I need to tell him before we do it.  He needs to know the routine we will follow for the day with enough warning to ease him.  Some events require a significant amount of warning and some not a lot, just enough to know what's next.  He can do it if I don't always tell him but the end result is never good so we just live this way and it helps.  I am actually very grateful to live this way because at one time he was unable to change or break routine no matter what without 2 hours of screaming.  Being able to tell him and still do different things is huge progress from 3 years ago.

   Rituals is described as "always done in a particular situation and in the same way each time."  This is a big part of our lives most people don't understand.  If it is a therapy day that means not only does he know the night before but on the way we drive the same route and we park in one of the same two parking spots along with using the same entrance every time.  It means he might take his shoes and socks off at therapy and nowhere else and it means we take the elevator up in the morning and the stairs down in the afternoon.  It means if we go to grandma's house, he rearranges grandma's things in the same way each time we visit and it means he won't eat there because he rarely ever does even if he's hungry.  It means when we get home I need to go in the house first and shut the door so he can ring the door bell and he will stand outside until I shut the door.  The rituals go on all day and they are specific things that him and I are in tune with that ease him.

   In our house routine doesn't explain it enough and if it was just about routine, autism would probably be much easier to explain and understand.  He has to know the routine and be given room for those rituals or he will get very anxious.  As he gets older and with therapists help he has more of an ability to cope so yes he can break routine and break rituals.  In fact he loves to for a short time because he grows bored easily but I will put emphasis on that short time because routines and rituals relax him and breaking them eventually has the opposite effect.

   We all have rituals in some way that ease us or relax us and we all have some kind of routines in our lives.  The easiest way to understand is if someone took those things away from you because they didn't understand why it's important to you, maybe you might experience a little meltdown of your own.  Take away your ability to explain why those things matter to you and you might experience a very big meltdown.