I was raised in a Christian home with very strong faith in God. Every Sunday we went to church as a family and taught that God is in control of everything. His ill is the way and it's our job to trust his will which in many ways I still believe that theory but life events over the last 20 years or so have given me different ideas of the role God plays in life. If you don't believe in God in general than today's blog would be a waste of your time but give it a shot anyway because it's not a hard theory to understand.
I used to face a hard event and grow angry with God for leading me to it. After all it's much easier to skip my own role in the process and point a finger directly at God for how my life unfolded at times. Looking back that seems a little silly to me now because my choices may have caused God himself to shake his head in frustration. Once I grasped my own actions I realized how much I ignored my role in hard times but could never ignore the strength I was given to get through them.
Autism confused me as far as Gods will because I had no understanding of how God's will could be for a child to struggle so badly. Why would God pick on a child, was a question always in my head. I hadn't made any bad choices and some might say the large amount of vaccines I allowed my son was a bad choice but it wasn't. It was me being a mom and wanting my son protected, judgment or blame would be ridiculous for doing what I felt was right for my child. Looking back I wouldn't have allowed it but I certainly can't say God led me to it. I can say the way the CDC has chosen to rush the process did and my faith in modern medicine signed the papers. I could have easily turned my back on the faith I was raised to have but that didn't make sense to me because the strength I was given to cope and accept the circumstances was and is something even I can't explain which I am totally comfortable blaming God for.
I was given another dose of this when cancer took up residence in my healthy dad this year. Easily the most healthy person in our family. Not only healthy but a genuinely good person all the way through to a indescribable level. A lot of questions came from that, like how can this happen to someone so healthy and so needed in the world? Why would God do this to someone who has spent 67 years living right and just flat out treating others like they are all born as good as he is? A lot of people said to me, why him and Gods will has come up a lot. My mind has one answer to that and it's the same answer as autism, God didn't do it. Blaming God and bypassing all the things modern man produces that we know for a fact cause cancer seems a bit unfair. He didn't create the things we consume all our lives, we did. Example, I will probably start on a can of diet coke this afternoon and keep going. I know for a fact diet coke increases risk of cancer, yet I still drink it. I also know there is a trigger for autism that has not yet been discovered by science. I know my own personal opinion but it doesn't fit every story either and when that trigger is discovered I am almost positive no one will be able to point directly at God but ourselves and the choices made by mankind will most likely be very clear.
I told someone earlier this year that when I pray, and I do pray, I never ask for what I want or ask why. I ask for strength to understand and get through it and that is a prayer that never goes unanswered. Along with the added bonus of finding tiny little miracles during extremely hard times that I can only blame on faith and being given the ability to see it. It can't be proven, only felt and that feeling is what tells me what is okay to blame on God and what is not. Maybe it's not about leading you to it and getting you through it but just getting you through it, that is felt and almost impossible to explain. For me the cool part about faith is it can't be explained and human nature craves proof and an explanation for everything. Consider how boring the word would be if we actually had that.
No comments:
Post a Comment