Lack of opportunity not lack of ability

                Yesterday a friend of 30 years came to my home with two awesome kids and one big awesome box of cupcakes. I have never met her kids because the years have brought us apart and back together and I couldn’t wait to meet them. One is 7 and one is 14 months and both were just perfect in every way. Phillip had a great time playing and was very fond of her youngest that is a fantastic ball of energy and all boy.

                Phillip of course doesn’t warm up quickly to people if at all and even when he does it can come and go meaning one day he will absolutely love someone and next he might cover his eyes and run away. It depends on little things like how loudly someone says hello or how they approach him. Dad used to yell good morning to him every time he came out of his room and it would send him right back into his room. He adores dad but the way dad would say good morning was too much so he would retreat. A 14 month old that is all boy could have been very overwhelming for him even after a football tackle that would have put a seasoned NFL player to shame Phillip adored him and was not taken back at all.

                In fact I watched Phillip do something I have not seen him do in a very long time and what he did gave me some big insight to the mystery that was always around this behavior. He gets up very close and tilts his head a bit and his eyes are on the person. He seems to be trying to grab a focus at a certain angle and typically this would come with eye contact. He does this to me often and he did it to the autism advocate who first came to see us before he was diagnosed which he also had a fondness for immediately. He would somewhat hover over her face to do it and it always appeared he was studying eyes but yesterday he did this to more than the eyes.  He would look at him this way  and it seemed to be the just all of him he was inspecting without being to invasive and then give him a pat on the chest or leg and a bit of an awkward moment when he tried to touch his face to the little boy’s leg. Although it was a bit awkward I know exactly what he was doing now and why he does it.

                He is studying as much as he can about someone who makes him feel at ease, even if it means studying the shapes and angles of the person. He often studies things in this way like getting at eye level with a railing on the wall and inspecting how straight it may be or maybe not so straight. The reason I do not see him do this to everyone is because not everyone brings him ease. He has done this to people he knows very well like me and his siblings but only twice now have I seen him do this to people he has just met. The autism advocate he did this to came into our home very quietly while he was in his room and sat on the floor which I didn’t understand at the time but his first site of her was smaller than him which offered absolute ease. The awesome little man yesterday also smaller than him and honestly he is rarely around anyone who he is bigger than. It offers him a comfort immediately and that comfort allows him to focus on the person.

                One of the things you might read when it comes to autism symptoms is lack of ability to bond and I have always hated that statement simply because it’s crap. There is no lack of ability at all but we have to imagine a large world that is busy. People are big, bold, bright, loud, and often intimidating and especially when details of everything through the day are enhanced. Now we have to imagine that moment a person walks into a room and things are quiet or maybe they just don’t bring that too much to take in effect with them. From what I have seen the majority of people bring something with them that can be intimidating, even if they have no idea they have it. For Phillip it’s there most of the time one way or another so that one time gives him a chance to really take a good look at someone. An opportunity he doesn’t often find. Nothing about that person pushes him back at all so he wants to know all he can while that door is open to him, even if it means the feel of that little mans leg and inspecting the angles of who he is.

                When you read this lack of ABILITY to bond or be social with others stop right there and change the wording to lack of OPPORTUNITY because the world of autism might not be allowing those opportunities you and I have every time we come on contact with another person. We can overlook things easily and process it quickly but autism cannot. So remember on the diagnostic scale of autism lack of ability is crap and opportunity will show you just how big of a load of crap it is.