I LOVE YOU!

                 Something happened yesterday that was literally beyond words and I didn’t see coming. I did, but not for years. I didn’t blast it on to Facebook right away because I really just sat back and wanted it all to myself for just a little while. It was that monumental and awesome!

                Phillip has been making huge efforts to speak more and many of the things he is trying to say are actually coming out, just in the past few days, as communication. Not just words but words spoken at the right time. He has put two words together at a time and although not clear the sounds are coming together. It’s been an answer to prayer to say the least and with every single word he says I am reminded of how strong he is and how much we have conquered so far.

                Exactly one year ago he was diagnosed with autism and he was completely lost in another world. Getting his attention was nearly impossible and screaming fits were a daily event. No one understood him but me, or at least I was really beginning to see the world through his eyes more clearly. He was flapping his hands, squinting his eyes, spinning, and not one sign of communication. Even touching him was not an option for some people around us. I remember a day someone who was close to us was holding a baby who was a bit younger than him and this person looked at me and said “at least I can hold this one!” To be fair this person had no idea how that statement hurt but it did. I remember feeling like things would never get better and he might never live up to what everyone felt he should be. On a daily basis I hurt for him because he was trapped inside himself. All I wanted in the whole world was to bust him out of there even if it was just a little bit. I watched other kids talking away to their moms and dads and wondered if they fully appreciated hearing the words that never stopped coming at them.  The one thing I always paid close attention to was when I child said “I love you” to a parent and if they knew how damn lucky they were to hear it.

                I have not missed one night of my son’s life so far without saying to him “I love you” and giving him a kiss. I have been able to get him to repeat the words one at a time which is huge progress and I figured one day he would add the words to the nightly routine, one day not anytime soon. A little part of me also was a little worried that’s all it would be is, routine. Yes I know that is a bit of a selfish worry but I am not ashamed of wanting to hear it and I have not had much expectation on the subject. I just carry on knowing he loves me because he does show it.

                Yesterday I was sitting in the kitchen and he crawled up on my lap wrapping himself around me like a little monkey for a hug. He wrapped his arms tightly around my neck and with his little face right next to my ear said “I love you.” Clear as day and even though you would think I would jump for joy and shout to the mountain tops I didn’t. I quietly said to him “thank you Phillip” and tears instantly started to come. I managed to get out an "I love you to" through one of the happiest cries I have ever had and he just began to giggle. He sat up turned my head sideways and kissed my cheek then hugged me some more and continued to giggle. It was a moment I did not expect, wasn’t routine, and I can only explain as a miracle for him to be able to do. A miracle I wish I had the answer to and wish I could give it to every parent on the planet quietly and patiently waiting for it.

                I have made a lot of decisions in the past year that I have been judged for and often times I have had to argue those decisions knowing the person or people on the other end thought I was nuts but the only opinion I have ever cared about is my son’s. Yesterday he didn’t just tell me he loved me, he also told me I’m doing everything just right and so are the people who are in his life rooting for him.