How we solved the horror of a haircut.

   If you have a son with autism you are very familiar with the horrific experience of a haircut. By the time my son was 4 years old I felt like a haircut had given us both post traumatic stress syndrome and I can imagine some of the people who tried felt the same. Our last trip the salon was pure hell and we left with half a haircut and I was determined to turn this experience around. In order to do that I had to consider all the elements that were causing horror and take over myself. Here is what we did and keep in mind extreme patience, as always, was key to success.

1. Get your own clippers and hope the ones you get are as quiet as they make them. Noise is challenge number one so limit it as much as possible.

2. Without turning them on I let him play with them. I put them on the counter and let him handle them on his own. Clippers aren't an everyday household item, it's unfamiliar so make it familiar.

3. Plug them in and turn them on while your in the same room and let the sound process. We spent an hour doing this with him on the other side of the room and I did not attempt to use them on him. Processing the sound and knowing it's not a sound of terror is important.

4. Turn them on a again and do step 3 only this time encourage touch. If it's allowed and it might not be just yet, touch the clippers to a hand or leg. Knowing he could touch by choice and it didn't hurt was a big deal. Step 3 might have to be repeated until this happens, if it happens, and this step took another hour.

5. repeat step 3 and 4 only this time touch closer to the head. Shoulder or neck and if it's allowed a lot of praise because your both getting closer or maybe even success this time.

6. If you have reached step 5 and your on your way remember the hair that falls is itchy. We do this with his shirt off and when the hair hits his skin I blow it off quickly but he stands still and giggles each time I blow the hair off.

   This is a long process that worked for us and when he agrees there is no terror involved anymore. No, he doesn't get the worlds greatest haircut but he has walked out of a few salons before with did this with much worse. No fault of the people who tried! They did the best they could given the circumstances. Sensory processing disorder is just that, a challenge to process the senses so work in the favor of that instead of against it and you just might make it through. This process took days and no promise it works but you never know what will until you try.

10 Things You Can Do For Autism Awareness Month

   Autism awareness month is around the corner and although the world lit up in blue is nice, there are many ways to support autism that are far more helpful than purchasing a light bulb.

1. Talk to your kids about autism and ask what they know about it. Many schools don't include kids with autism as much as they should, making it difficult for kids to even get to know someone with autism or even creating the idea they shouldn't. Encourage them to learn more because peers have an enormous impact.

2. Find out if your school supports inclusion because it's good for everyone. If they don't, teach your children that no one likes to be the odd man out, ever, and let the school know you support it.

3. Look up autism friendly activities in your community and get involved. You don't have to give money and you will learn much more giving your time. You might also find there aren't enough of them and can help change that.

4. See a parent with a child in a meltdown, be KIND.
I once had to carry my son out of a store, he's half my size, and a while he was screaming and kicking I held a door for a woman who watched me in disgust and never said thank you. Same woman followed us to the parking lot and watched to see how I would handle the situation. Never be that woman! Hold a door for a struggling parent and smile because it matters in that moment more than most people understand.

5. Call your local therapy programs and ask if there is anything you can do.
These programs are always in need of supplies in some way. Bubbles, craft supplies, or even a non noisy toy donation can help. ABA therapy is proven to make an impact and those programs need support.

6. Donate sensory friendly toys to places with waiting rooms.
I can't tell you how many waiting rooms we have sat in that have nothing my son is interested in to occupy him while we wait. I can tell you how many have had sensory friendly items and it's two waiting rooms in five years. People stare because he won't sit still but don't realize his motor skills don't allow him to sit and color with a box of broken crayons.

7. Don't get all weird when someone tells you their child is autistic.
I have watched people get weird when I say autism. They look again at my son and I can see the inner pity stewing like they just discovered he has a disease. They try not to say the wrong thing or they have no idea what to say and it's gets weird. Just relax, autism is not uncommon these days.

8. Ignore the description of autism the media gives us.
Autism is different and each person is an individual. Routine and detail is a given but don't assume someone with autism is withdrawn or can't socially connect. That is the most damaging and dehumanizing description of autism we all hear all the time and be aware it's false.

9. Like an autism awareness page.
You can learn a lot from just reading information on a lot of the pages and there is a ton of them. Some have fans asking questions and others try to help or give advice which is a really good way to see some of the challenges, triumphs, differences, and similarities. I personally have been given great advice on my own awareness page by parents who do and do not have children with autism.

10. Think now and think local.
Autism Speaks is huge and they do a lot but the majority of Autism Speaks budget goes towards research. Research is good but the reason my son will play baseball this year is because a group of people created a program locally for kids to have that chance now and I can bet when we are all out there watching our kids have fun no one will be thinking about research. Don't get me wrong, a blue light on will still let someone know you are aware and that's certainly a good thing but any of the options above make an impact now while science sorts out the rest.

Autism made me "that mom."

    "That mom" is something all moms or dads don't want to be. That mom who's kid is screaming and won't stop. That mom who can't seem to get her child to calm down or sit still. He child is laid out on the floor like a giant X marks the spot and refusing to get up or under the table at the restaurant waiting for someone to drop their guard and move a leg creating an opening to escape. That mom who's child is noisy, fidgety, running, and just generally drawing attention in a way that makes mom look like "that mom." Refusing to hold a hand in the parking lot, kicking and screaming on the way out of a department store, and when "that mom" calls thier name or speaks to them, they just appear to ignore her. "That mom" that appears to have zero control or is failing as a parent and needs to lay down the law. No one wants to be that parent but some of us don't have a choice.

   I am and many others are "that mom" or that dad. Every time we make a public attempt to do something fun I am that parent. I have to say, autism has really taught me time and time again being that mom is not so bad. In fact it's a bit freeing to know no matter how the situation appears there is always so much more going on and just being there to begin with makes me feel complete joy. I know most of the time I have very little control because the world around him is what causes some of those that mom moments. I do refuse some things but it's never for the sake of others and always based on what he might face and have to manage himself through. I have gotten so many that mom looks over the years I am completely desensitized to it and it's a pretty awesome way to be. Don't get me wrong I don't like it when he gets a "that kid" look but as a mother I am extremely comfortable with my efforts and guidance. Yes, when he is spread out on the floor like a giant X marks the spot in Panera, like he was the other day, I am not concerned because he just ate a giant cookie and has managed to process for a full 20 minutes his environment. I am also that mom who lets him eat a giant cookie for lunch because in our case, eating something is far more important than eating only healthy food. I am sure people thought it was the giant cookie that made him restless but it was mostly the environment. A little bit cookie too but I am that mom so who cares!

   We put ourselves as parents under way to much pressure to appease the world around us and are judged all the time by our kids behavior. Everyone has an idea of what we should or should not be doing but if our kids are happy, kind, loved, safe,  and making attempts to maintain we are doing it right no matter how we are doing it. I am grateful autism has taught me to be that mom and be totally comfortable with it because I get to enjoy my son to the fullest and I know I am his hero because I am that mom too. We all are.

It's Not Always Autism Related

   The moment an autism diagnosis is in your hands it is very easy to get sucked into the idea habits or behaviors a child has are autism related. After all in time you notice every single thing your child does is documented and picked apart. Every paper you fill out puts your child under the microscope of a social standard and age expectation, it's overwhelming for any parent. A recent preschool screening made me want to crawl in a hole with hundreds of questions and a result that was 15 pages long picking apart my child in every possible way. 15 pages of people deciding what my child is all about in a very short time spent and it's easy to think they know because they are professionals but the reality is, he is a kid. A kid with funny habits and behaviors that are almost always credited to his diagnosis, especially when we all forget he is really just a kid.

   My son has a habit of sometimes eating a frozen waffle right out of the freezer and because he has some sensory challenges this must be autism related. When I tell people this or they see him eat a frozen waffle frozen everyone assumes this must be an autism effect and up until the two days ago I assumed this too. After school my 16 year old came through the door with a couple of his friends. Typically they grab a snack and head out the door and this day a he brought a friend who has only come around a few times. All of them hungry and when someone mentioned frozen waffles he let his hunger be known. My daughter handed him a frozen waffle and that hungry 16 year old who is not autistic ate the waffle right out of the freezer, the way he likes it. I realized at that moment someone who could tell me why was standing in my kitchen and his answer was simple, "it tastes better that way!"

   I have personally never tried a waffle this way and it's against the way I am programed to eat them because I am socially adjusted to eat them the right way. So socially adjusted I just made a statement that declares the instructions on the box to be the "right way." Shame on me for that! The right way is the way a person likes it and I was elated to see a kid eat a waffle and hear the reason why. Which sounds a little off but when everything your child does is judged a moment like that is a moment your grateful for. It's a moment of clarity and a simple reminder that not everything happening is unexplainably different or a sensory related behavior.

   A child with autism is certainly against the grain but sometimes it's really just because "It tastes better that way!"

How The Grinch Nearly Stole Christmas

  
   There is a fine line between an interest and obsession and the Holiday season I forgot about this line. For the past few weeks my son has been watching The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and last night while he was watching again the reality hit me, the Grinch could very much steal Christmas if I allowed the movie to play one more time or I could be to late.

   You see typically a five year old can watch a movie on repeat and carry on as usual just enjoying a favorite but my son is not typical and yes, I forget this from time to time. Scripting is when a person acts out scenes from movie, games, etc and often exactly as they watched it. Word for word and can come out any time over and over. It's called scripting but I call it stuck because stuck is exactly what happens to my son. Stuck in a movie and unable to focus on other events of the day. Last night after putting my son to bed I put the Grinch away and good chance I will never play it again. As I have done with a couple of other movies in the past year because it literally steals my child. This morning I learned a hard lesson once again because I allowed him to watch it way to many times and that lesson came in the form of a meltdown. A meltdown like I have not seen in a very long time and during that meltdown he would have moments of catching his breath quoting the Grinch. No, he did not know I put the movie away and no he did not go into a meltdown over anything that had to do with it, he just lost ability to function. This has happened before with The Little Rascals and if I even mention that movie he begins to "script" again, even months later.

   He likes the Grinch but the line was crossed and repeat became obsession. A tricky element with autism or in our home because like is good but knowing when to back off is even better. A person might wonder what happens when I take something like this way. He is a little boy and typically if you take something away a little boy likes he would grow upset but he does not. What happens is he slowly returns and is able to get unstuck, and it takes only a few days for the scripting to stop. Very much like I have done him a favor and he breaks free.

   I can only write about how autism effects my son and they say no two are alike but I have learned through this journey many kids do really share similar traits, habits, and even health circumstances. Somewhere out there in the online world might be a parent who's child has crossed the fine line of like to obsession and the only talking they hear lately is Pixar scenario, over and over again. If one person can read this and it helps, it's completely worth sharing. Merry Christmas and may the meltdowns be few (hopefully not at all) and the blessings be plenty!

5 Things My Autistic Child Has Taught Me.

   This morning I woke up to an article about a woman who killed her autistic son by throwing him off a bridge. Heartbreaking story to say the least and instead of blasting this story like the media will I want to point out five things I have learned from having a child with autism that has improved my life and how my autistic son has made me a better person.

1. I am eternally grateful for the patience my son has taught me. He taught me to slow down and pay attention because he needs the slow down to process and stay cool. We all live in a hurry and most of us can process everything around us on sight. We also take advantage of that and miss a lot while rushing through life. I was already a patient person but now my patience is outstanding and necessary. I learned this by stepping back and letting him show me the way at a pace he needed. Life is pretty cool when you slow down and catch the details.

2. The art of saying no and not feeling bad about it. I was never really good at saying no before I had a child who needed me to. By that I mean when others tell you what you should be doing, often the only good answer is no. From the very start I had people familiar with autism telling me what I needed to do to help him. Therapists, advocates, doctors, family, and even friends filling my ears with what they felt to be the right thing to do because of what they knew about autism. It is a hard thing to ignore people and stand your ground because the only person who can guide you is a non verbal three year old, at the time. It is easier to just do what they say but sometimes the word no is more important and easier has nothing to do with it.

3. I am beyond grateful for the lesson of knowing who has your back no matter what. I was fairly comfortable with the people in my life and confident I had there support until an autism diagnosis came into play. It was a bit shocking to me how many people in my life at the time did a complete turnabout when I moved forward with his diagnosis. How some people close to me judged and even blamed me for not doing enough. How many people actually stated "I don't believe it" or "He will grow out of it in time." There is no room for people like this in an autism parents life and especially in my child's life. Clarity and moving on gave us both room for all the right people.

4. I discovered it is totally okay to feel like a crappy parent from time to time who can't fix everything.  In fact it's probably very healthy to feel this, have a cry, and get up and try again. There is no such thing a parent, autism or not, who believes they are an outstanding parent who has it all figured out. That is one thing all parents have in common but most are just a little uncomfortable admitting it because they are always looking for a way to be that. My son forced me to realize sometimes there truly is no answer and that's okay.

5.  Autism is not the worst thing that can happen to you, in fact it's not happening to you. It's affecting you but it's happening to your child. I have been taught by my son to never give up because he is the one who truly lives with autism and I have never seen him give up. Every single day a five year old shows me what it means to be a fighter and he has no idea he is doing it.

   Through all the bad media we see we need to remember and pay attention to the good beyond the struggles. We need to make sure people understand autism parents aren't broken and neither are our children. Affected by autism but not broken and it's important to focus on the right things.

It's okay to not explain.

  
   I was watching this segment of What Would You Do this morning and through the tears it always gives me, there was a moment in the beginning that grabbed me. I have seen it many times before but this moment didn't used to get to me like it does now. It's the moment the dad turns and tells the rude customer the boy has autism.

   An autism parent always finds themselves in a situation people stare or many times people are extremely rude. Thinking a parent isn't doing there job or they just have zero control and well, I can tell you sometimes zero control is exactly what life with autism brings but at the same time a family in a sit down restaurant is taking full advantage of whatever control they have that day and enjoying it. The reason the moment he turned and said "he has autism" grabbed me was because in no way should anyone have to explain this to anyone. I used to tell people who were confused by my son's repetitive behavior or lack of sit still that he was autistic but I don't anymore. Reason being if my son is struggling we owe no one an explanation of any kind and frankly I don't have time for that. No one does.

   Autism is not a rare disorder these days and if someone isn't aware of autism, they aren't from this planet or live more isolated than we have ever come close to. If someone is rude it is not me who needs to explain my child but maybe me who needs to explain a rude person to my child. I have spent way to much time explaining autism to people and way to much time thinking people need to understand and the bottom line is people will either be kind or they won't, depending on what they are made of and according to this segment, most people are kind. Being rude is a character flaw that can't be changed with the word autism and no explanation is going to deter that. I think of my son and consider as he goes through life all the people he will encounter with character flaws and I don't want him to explain himself to them so they will accept him. I want him to find the people who's character is good enough to flow with what he needs, without explanation and that starts with me showing him how.

   I talk about autism with people who I know want to learn or are just kind enough to now they don't understand the big picture, the rest are just aliens from another planet we don't have time for. Isolating themselves from a disorder everyone should be aware of by now. Autism parents, you don't need to tell people why or what is making a situation challenging. Every single time someone has been rude to us, they had no idea autism was factor and I am positive it wouldn't have mattered or made them instantly kind to discover it. Almost every time someone has been kind and understanding they also didn't know autism was a factor. The issue is not autism, it's the character of people and what they are made of. It's a much better way to approach people in public than letting our children hear us explain them to irrelevant strangers. Explain the strangers and how their behavior is not okay, and carry on being a rad parent.